Times like this remembered

I do not have any words on my mind, yet I am restless and feel a need to communicate, only nothing in particular. I just feel like if I write something, maybe the thing that needs to be thought will present itself.

I feel like I have to make the choice that I thought I had already made before, but, if I had, I would not be here at this precipice so often. If I had leaped, jumping would no longer be a choice, but it is.

I decided, that love was merely a stumbling block and so I decided to live without it, that was my choice, but I sort of question that and think, it is not too late yet!

I have a very foreign idea one that seems to not fit in this life, but it cannot be forgotten, so it must be recognized and dealt with. I think that all my life little things have happened giving little glimpses that together on a movie of my life would have worked as foreshadow quite nicely that I have been given all of the blessings available on earth, like being a wife and mother but, consistantly, I was intended to give proof of certain traits and how even if not used or hidden would still prove valuable and not to be rooted out. But, I keep failing, and given another chance.

I feel like my experience or life has not been typical and definately not one to be used as an example. I think maybe I could never have lived a normal life anyway because, a huge part of life is building relationships and family, which although I have, I did not do it the right way. My family is built upon will power and reason. It is strong but not the way it was intended, now here is where my wierd notion comes to play.

I have a notion that I am already married and sealed and that I am "blessed" to experience having children in mortality, but, when I die to this life I will only be returning to one so loving I dod not need to have a mortal lifetime to develop it. I know this idea is woerd and think where on earth would I even get an idea like that? My answer is simply, my wild imagination generated it with variables supplied from various sources. It is like algebra, with a lifetime trying to solve for X, everytime I get another clue or potential fact I think it will be enough as long as everything else I supplied fits.

Nope. Still not even sleepy. What gives? Maybe, I need to do something crazy, but I already cut my hair off... hmmm

Maybe, try once again to love my husband, but, face it. I just don't and he needs love, I really ought to jyst back off and let him fall in love. I keep saying I will, but I want Mary to be baptized first. Then I will feel better about filling my obligation to God regarding her. At least being certain that she could potentially be redeemed and return to God.

Yes, I believe that fully. And what is more significant is that I believe that I will be resurrected, and live forever which makes being in love and sealed to someone so important and likely why I fabricate such a tale because I know that is necessary, and I further know that unless there is drastic change I cannot be sealed to my current husband. I do not want to be with him even for more than a few hours let alone forever.

It is so wierd.  I should be sleepy. Usually, I am. I tend to fall asleep typing things, then, I wake up to a nearly dead phone battery.

So. What do I do? The way that definately works, giving me access to a life more compatible with everything I have been taught and know or do I give up everything that could be good with merely great expectations or hope of the one thing my life is missing.

I know it was a comedy, and not intended to be a model for how to make choices, but I recently watched an episode of "The Orville" where a young security officer was left in command of a vessel and she was unsure what to do. A hogher ranking official gave her direct orders of what to do, but she wanted to risk loosing everything at the chance she might be able to save her commanding officers. Although, she got lucky in fonding them, it seemed pretty unlikely that they would be retrieved, still she hoped and managed to retrieve them!

Oh, here it is. My thought. I just found it. I can actually accomplish anything that I decide to accomplish. I have it on good authority that I most definately can, and so I need to simply decide what outcome I desire and them make it happen. My concern ought to be what consequences will necessarily follow as a result, like the debt that comes from using credit to buy things. Sure you have the means, but you really need to consider what the cost will be in the long run. It is the same for me.

I have been introduced to the notion that what you create is what returns to you, like karma. Only, a tad different. S great move that explains it is "The Letter Writer".I have been very cautious about what I pray for because I do not want to ruin lives, but if everyone has their own freedom to choose. I cannot hurt anyone unless they let me anyway.

I do have a wish that is secret I sang about it, "Only God Knows". Ok. Falling asleep, now.

This is very strange

I hear so much about following your heart, but I can actually explain reasonably what that means or "feels" like right now.

There are things that I love and the same things just "feel" wrong when someone else loves them, too. It seems extremely wrong, like that Vertical Horizon song about "Everything You Want" "He says exactly the right thing, at exactly the right time and he means nothings to you and you don't know why." Another lyric that bewildered me is from a familiar song sung by Jewel it says, "I saw a movie it just wasn't the same. It was happy or I was sad...made me miss you oh so bad..."

Really, reasonably, they are the,very things I love and my mind tells me that the pieces fit, and I ought to just decide to feel happy and take things as they are and make everyone happy, AHEM! I would not be happy, but If I am in charge, then it is just a,matter of making myself happy with what is like other lyrics, " first, you take the things you love and then love the things you took."

But, a good friend simply warned me at exactly the moment needed that Perhaps uneasiness is a warning and I should listen to things even when I do not understand them. And this is such a recurring feeling...Something is not acceptable. But, that is just a feeling, my thoughts are that I am in charge and I can decide to just deal with that one single objection... but, now I fear it will ruin everuthing else I love, (without thought).

Next, Jane Eyre comes to mind. Whem Jane decides to run away from Rochester, and I got so angry that woth everything so perfect, just deal with it, and do not throw it away. He professes his love and is ot nit what she wants? Reminds me of "Anne of Avonlea" when she doesn't just marry the Harris dude I get so upset. Anyhow, Jane says that it is because it is soo close to being real love that she must run away because something is not right and she doesn't want to see it twist and deform over time into something disgusting... another lyric "we started something so fine and rare now we're stuck in neutral we're going nowhere..."

I think the largest leaps or the largest risks lead to the greatest rewards, although that does not mean all leaps and risks gain any reward, but in order to deserve any reward a risk must be taken. I imagine an image of a loved one dangling over a cliff only holding on to your grip, and you can choose to hang on and maybe save the life, maybe loose yours, or you can feel their's loosening and let it... but, it is merely nature or reflexive to want to save at all cost!

Mahanah impressions

I had Moana on the brain since I woke up this morning, so getting some nice take aways from researching Polynesian culture and names, etc. I naturally found myself watching "Johnny Lingo".  And realized how much it has effected my lack of worth to have never been even given an engagement ring. I understand the father being bypassed as fathers are no longer owners of their daughters, etc. But, I have never felt even slightly important to my husband, and certainly no one he wouldwant to be with forever, like I grew up believing I would be valued by someone so much.

After I was sealed to my first husband, I was never given a ring, so I purposefully asked him how he felt about being with me forever. He said that was what he wanted, but then divorced me. I listened a lot to a song "The Way" by Daniel Bedingfield and appreciated how he explains that feelings or intrapersonal relationships change like everything in nature, but, really I ended up knowing my worth through my Spiritual memory and reminders that I was loved and cherished and would be again,  so what if He was not the one to provide my eternal worth acknoeledgement, it will happen, cue my husband who I basically commanded him to marry me because he seemed to lack any motivation to do so, but I figured it was his intent, subsequently I have, through experience, realized the pain and heartache that can result in trying to assume intentions.

He still, years later, has never done anything to even hint at him esteeming me or appreciating anything I am or do. But, I have found considerable worth in considering who I am despite how I am treated.

Remember how you feel...to feel so later

How he waits until I am asleep.

He acts as if I do not notice because I do nothing in return, but is content to ignore my NEED:

Time I ask for a ride, he ignores me, and my home teacher shows up and offers me a ride.

I wish I made more money so that I could get a car and an apartment. It is sad that I do not..

I meed himm and now I do not even want him. I want to do the best and set the best example regardless so the children know what they ought to do. Nick is good at saying what to do but does not do practically anything he says. Mistakeningly, I thought not taking the sacrament was an indication of humility and integrity...

As I now make money, it makes me aware of things I only assumed because I was treated like the catholic church treated members by keeping them in just enough ignorance to foster trust in false promises. I believed that we were actually too poor to afford almost everything.

He took the kids and I to a food pantry cause he cannot afford food, then played online until I got the kids in bed, and picked out their clothes, etc. Then he left to go watch a movie, and announced where he was going, but never asked if I would like to go anywhere, one would assume it is because knowing would not make a difference anyway.

(Note:another note written a very long time ago and published now)

Absolutely nothing you think matters as much

It does not matter how fine a thought or strong a feeling may run, God wants you to love one another, even your enemy. He can actually help you feel that love if you sincerely seek to do so, which you should. Not wanting to obey is more usual than not it is a perfect set up to proving your descipleship. If you love him, keep his comnandments, he has commanded above all else love one another and if we need forgiveness, then look for opportunities to give it.

I remember an event that took so much faith! A total stranger asked to take my son to school. I prayed so hard and worried, and looked things up, but finally decided to just trust, she had said that she worked at the school. I felt good about that at least. Then she wrote to me explaining why she felt impressed to help. It was because she had been praying that morning to find ways to serve others and it was snowing and she saw me walking the kids to school everyday. I was so much more at peace knowing that. Then it was God simply seeing a need and meeting it, nit some crazy lady driving my son off somewhere. She did have two sons with her, and subsequently, I have seen her at other events at church and school, and my son is very very fond of her. The reason I tell that story is as an example of how someone wanted to do a thing and so prayed about it and then listened and obeyed promptings. Fear is the opposit of faith. I would like to report how I was inspired to know and trust this woman right off, but I didn't. That is how I feel right now. I am mad and want to be an enemy, but I need to obey what I am told and I have clearly been told to just love 'em anyway.

It was a strange path

I was thinking about how much I have changed from the girl I was and have come to appreciate all I achieved and so I feel more accutely, almost anew, the horror of everything I lost. I need to remind myself that all sacrifice is exactly that. Only the sacrifice was not as large in my mind as it truly was, and I am currently really really sad for it. Though, if one continues to follow my progress it may come quickly, or maybe in hindsight you, as a reader already know the plot twist and the envitable end, so maybe you can feel a,bit like God in knowing what I do not, I only hope and right now I suffer because the end is a mystery to me. I only see what I lost. I recently saw a show and in it a carachter said this, "I came to know that my past was not going to determine my future."

On my mind...

As I was watching The Ten Commandments cartoon, I was,aware of how long it took God to answer the prayers of the Hebrew slaves, because he had to get things done in order. Moses needed to be born and preserved. I think of how I have known of people who prayed for things and then, because it was not immediately answered it was mistaken for not being answered at all. Hence, there is no God. I believe I am here as the answer to one's prayer. That prayer was thought to have been forgotten and long assumed it would not be answered because it was not yet answered in a way that had been expected.

It reminds me of times I thought I wanted a job but was not given it. And it was just to prepare me for a more ideal one. Though I wanted that job. The fact that I was not given it kept me free and able to accept the right one when it came along.

The other thing heavily on my mind is how many variables I had written off as coincidence or not relating to each other. Like how awesome it is to be alive now and under these crcumstances, or being descended from people who also lived in Palmyra, NY where the book of Mormon was deposited. I think it must all be evidence that when applied to eachother lead to something important. Though, I suspect something, as of yet, I do not actually know what I suspect.

Just for me

I know what you're thinking. He did pray for courage,  that is not typical, I don't think. Be scared, I don't mind, but be resolved. We are imagining in terms of infiniti, do you even get that, who wants to endure forever? Do it.

My train of thought crossed the bridge, now burn it!

It has taken thousands of little maturity points to arrive where I am, and I feel it would be a discredit of everything that has happened in my life up to this point if I did not simply burn that bridge. Doing that is so often pointed out as morally wrong, it is like leaving a saftey net is the proper thing to do, but I am thinking that this is one of those times when I should "walk without a net upon the wire."

Ok, I ought to say the situation in a "like this" way so that regardless of the particulars it can be situationally relevant. It is like this: One time I was walking on the stone cemetery wall at Shiloh National Battlefield. The wall is low at first, probably 2 ft high, and easy to climb on. Then, as one travels on the wall, the ground slopes in such a way that the wall grows increasingly higher. My balance was even more of an issue then as it is now. I was wobbly, and a friend shoved me down off the wall, to the grass outside of the cemetery. A little bit dazed and alot confused I looked sort of belwildered at him, and he said, "you were going to fall. I just got it over with. You're welcome."

The moral of the story is that although we might be confused or a bit bewildered about why or how things happen, especially when they seem like bad things, they are intended for our good.

I am facing that right now, the wall is pretty much too high, or the train has sped up too much so that jumping off unaided is no longer an option, though not impossible.

Ethical dilemma: If the train is moving so fast that you might be fatally injured if you jump off, but you are sure that the track does not take you where you want to go. What do you do?

It might be that could and would issue. It seems to me that potential is potential, what IS seems more significant....meaning, jumping may or may not cause fatal injury. Though, injury is certain. The fatalness of an injury is only potential, but if the train isn't going to lead you where you need to go, an injury might be a set back, but, worth it if it means accomplishing your purpose.

There is an episode of Stargate Atlantis that I love where a being is created to kill themselves and others. Practically all humans think this is terribly wrong. All life ought to be revered, for different reasons and dogmas. But, the creator of this being asks if it disturbs her to think of ceasing to exist. Her response is so wonderful. She says, "It is my purpose. It makes,me happy. Doesn't every life desire to fufill their purpose." (As I type it I think of Bhuda who was looking to end birth/death cycle and he, too would have been delighted to end, for real).

Weighty choices

A thought I do not wish to dwell on, but it is significant, and ought to find a record of such thoughts although, I have no idea what importance they may play at a later date.

At points that are most significant and ought to have been given as much seriousness and gravity as they deserve, I gave practically no thought what so ever.

I read in a pamphlet about hysterectomies that such a descision ought not be made hastily. It was regarding my body, but I practically had no concious thought even asked of me. It was a situation that I was not really even encouraged to be concious. It can be likened to the hospitalization and surgeries that were required to keep me alive, and then later I was sort of blamed for causing such debt. Really, it was not my choice to be alive at all anyway. If I was asked to consider and make a choice I likely would have not chosen to be kept alive. This is a similar situation as the one made to keep me alive, it meant that I would have no more children. I think I would choose to sacrifice a body part to stay alive, but I do not know and I do not plan on considering the choice fully at any point. Things just are as they are.

That is strangely the same situation with my marriage. I have always been taught that was the ab so lute most important thing a person does in this life, and that was why I backed out of so many engagements, and was quite old when I actually married a divorced man. It was because he seemed to understand the committment fully and even commented when directly asked if he knew that he was going to be stuck with me forever. He said that was his intent....but, then, he divorced me when I will disabled with 3 little children. Getting married was my instant solution to having a family. But, my little children did not like this new man. Uggh. And he did not even seem to want to marry me, it seemed more like I made him because that was why I was there anyway, at least, that seemed my motivation. Actually, I just wanted to start over completely instead of constantly trying to live up to the things expected of me before my brain infection.  I found myself in the fire, although I had jumped and escaped a fate I did not like in the kettle.

I was listening to articles about what marriage should be and I had never wven been proposed to or sealed, years later. It was always my intention, but I am starting to question if it is something I choose at all in the first place.

This is almost too wierd for words

Alright, it started with the song "Zombie" by the Cranberries which made me feel like I ought to focus on the Burt's and McMu/illen's again. I remembered how strong the pull was around 2005, but before then, I kept on feeling like I needed to move to Utah. I mentioned it to Brandall, who reminded me how I hated Utah, etc. Then, after the illness/hospital incidence he became my reminder in many areas because I was pretty much a blank slate. He had to tell me things I liked and didn't like, apparently, I was pretty quirky. I did not like Jello, or flowers either despite my inclinations. Alright, but, then he divorced me with no readon that I have ever been able to gleen. It hurt much, much more than any physical/mental damage. But, without him to remind me, I felt a huge urge to be in Utah, and here I am. Perhaps, it is a coincidence, or perhaps it was orchestrated. His family did offer alot of prayers, as did mine
It reminds me a while lot of the "Somethings the matter with daddy" part of "It's a Wonderful Life".

The real difference between my family and his though is that they believe that prayers are answered when things happen the way you want them, and they wanted me out of Brandall's life. I was present multiple times when they prayed, not for me, but that the children would be "saved", ok. End there. My family taught me that the answers to prayers cone often in ways you least expect or understand.

I was thinking alot about a blessing I had that said that my ancestors were depending on me. Why me? Any way, it seems that I would have the opportunity to do things they needed and I should. So, despite my wondering why me, I realized that I have been sort of "ally oop" set up ideally to help my family, and it may have been an answer to prayers that I am here.

Yeah, yeah... "it is in my head", and that is where it would've stayed, but it does not end there. I recently heard that even though people experience the same things at different ages in their life they will not experience them the same way. So, even if I try to recall things I experienced as a teenager, I will understand them as I do now. Everytime I go to the temple it makes me miss Brandall and I remember times and think of what I would have done differently, but that is precisely the thing I ought to consider which actually has nothing to do with Brandall, but all to do with me now. I am not the same person I was and I need to let go of the past which so much is liking and doing things I would have despised before. I see how both my family and his family could have their prayers answered and be happy. Now, it is my duty to continue doing and becoming who I am. Somewhere along the way I became someone unlike who I have been blessed to become.

I will attach this part here, because it is significant, but does not deserve it's own post. It starts with a comment in a class O was in where I was learning how prayers are answered. A woman I admire told a story where she was using her prayer to communicate her sincere wish to know what to do with her Heavenly Father. In turn she did two things to show her sincereity. She was on the temple grounds...that part impressed me because one did not need to actually go inside the temple, and I would be too wary of any communication unless it was in a place outside influences could not dwell. So, her story continued setting an example of how God speaks back to us. To me her scincereity was demonstrated by going to the temple grounds which demonstrated sufficient faith cause why would she even go to the temple unless she believed it was a Holy Place, this demonstrated to God as much as let's say um, Joseph Smith going to a grove of trees. So, God did not appear and speak directly to her, but he used the words found in the scriptures to tell her what she needed to know. It is a scripture in Esther, I believe, no matter where, she opened immediately to a passage that said that she should go live with her in laws, and that is exactly what she did. Likewise, I had been fasting and praying and I thought of her story and so I opened up scriptures thinking that God had something to say to me that ought not be made public, so I will not say what I asked or what I learned, but it was an entirely odd thing in it's original context, to say, so I had to reread it several times to be sure it was even said because it answered me exactly and I knew undeniably what I ought to do in no uncertain terms, and I was not spinning words or meaning to say what I wanted, so you see how I could have been skeptical that any scripture said that. But, it did.

2 more things. I never refound a passage from Isaiah about Eagles that made me feel certain that I was in the right place doing the right thing despite what I may have been naturally inclined to do. Regardless, the passage is seared into my head although I have never found it again. I did not imagine it. The second thing is how significant it is that important things be what appears to be hidden, but as we develop to understand greater truths, that would be misconstrued or misused at the stage most would understand them, the things seem hidden and mysterious. But, all adults realize how sometimes we must dismiss our children when we discuss things. It is not to keep our words hidden but because they would or should not be understood yet. I was impressed by how a thing happened that seemed to me to be the source of conspiracy in a thing Heavenly Father purposefully "disclosed"  from his children. Later thoughts taught me that there have always been things out of our grasp and possibility of understanding, and that gap is bridged, when needed by faith. Then when crossed we look back seeing why it was so.

There are so many things intended for me

Most things would not make sense without lots of explination so I do not bother. This particular thing is only for me, but I wanted to make a note of such. May it serve as a reminder at times I feel unloved or otherwise insignificant. That is not true. Remember that woman in WA who knew who her patriarch was, it was life changing, huh?

Love

I need a good talking to. I am looding grip on why love matters in the grand scheme of things. I know it makes us happy and it solidifies bonds, but it seems like a "natural man" thing that we need to get over, like Greek Gods used to explain things that happen and we don't understand, it must be love. But, I was thinking how I have no appreciation let alone love for my husband, and thought I really ought to talk to him seriously about it because I am deeply worried about what it is teaching the children. Then I thought, well why should I teach them anything else? I want them to be entirely in love, but I do not know why. Sometimes I think I wasted all of the years I was loveable being un loved, oh, another thing. Often, I am reminded how much God loves me, and everyone, and we are all god in embryo, right. So, maybe it us a trait that should be developed and encouraged, in which case I am a huge huge HUGE hypocrite. I should just go to sleep I have already thought enough for one day.

Cryptic reality

It is true, the rest is words. I suppose this was what I was waiting for well, not waiting, I have been living, but living in a way that brought me to this realization, it is an new thought, no one even could know unless they made the same choices and even got on this path. But, I do remember hearing about someone realizing things like this before, great. I can take comfort by knowing that I am not alone or upset that I finaly know something and it has already been known before, and therefore not original.

Blade runner / Alien - Same Thing

After watching the new Blade Runner trailer, I found myself thinking sbout aliens again. And our search for intelligent life... maybe our definition needs to be sought instead of calling it "Intelligent life" maybe would should say compatible life or similar beings. I used to think, and I am serious, that Asians were seriously extraterrestrials who we compatible or similar enough to infiltrate the society of earthlings. It was a neat conversation last night as my son was going to bed, he asked me if I was really an earthling. I merely convinced him of the fact that Earth was,my home. I did not convince myself. Probably still had Blade Runner 2049 on my mind. We really cannot tell much from the trailer, maybe that was intended, the way we cannot tell what a "person" is from the outside.

Oooh, this is going to get long and I do not have the time right now, so, I'll leave it at that.

just concluded this!

The reason I have ever been confused, doubted my worth, or basically lacked faith was because of one thing. It is probably a gift to believe that I am a daughter of God, but I do without reservation, my trouble has always been that I did not create any proper representation for "God". In my mind He was always this overlord, or disembodied "goodness" floating around. Do not get me wrong. I have been taught clearly many times, in fact, who the Godhead is. But, I echo the words some script writer for the recent version of "The Cosmos" gave to BRUNO when he said, "Your idea of God is not big enough." I have all the pieces in place to overcome. At this moment, I feel like the seed in the Allegory "The Garden" by Michael McLean. I am all ready to grow, and I have been confused as to "why I can't grow", It all hinges on a better comprehension of who God is...Semantics, but maybe that is what also causes us to "fear" him. It would be truly humiliating to understand what he can do, and yet, We are everything he is in embryo... it was put best on the cover/bio of Tal Bachman's self-titled debut cd. He had never even tried or considered music, but he was an acorn, and an oak tree was inevitable, although an acorn does not seem to resemble the thing it becomes. He goes on to explain how many things seemed to have been preparing him for such a life, he claims that it was all he really knew how to do. I think that maybe all of my failures or foibles are me becoming a very bad duck, because I am actually a swan. Frankly, I am right on track to become what I will be it is just that I do not recognize it in this realm. Ok, I need some sleep.

It is not me

Usually it is not desirable to be "it" and, in this case, I am not it.

There is a sensitivity that tells me things I do not know and it tells me that my family is an example of a project that failed when all reason indicates it should have succeeded.

I was thinking about how it also appears that I favor my son, when I do not. He simply goes about things in a way that invokes a more pleasant response. I wish I could treat my daughter that way, but although they have the same parents, they are entitely different children and have developed unique manerisms.

I was thinking how if almost any other family had been treated in a similar way, a different response would indicate success, but our family was a failure. Ugh! I hate that. I am trying to figure out what I could do differently. That was the point where I realized it was not me.

Ok, your mind does not work like mine, making it hard to explain what I was thinking, but here goes:

The bishop (our local church leader like a pastor or such) attempted to speak to my husband and I, and this is an example of why we are so uncommon. He asked Nick to look at me. A simple thing, but nick refused. Then he got frustrated and told nick, "No. That was not a euphemism, actually, look at your wife." Still he refused. I do not think this is common behavior but, the bishop just continued with his intended talk by commenting how fortunate he was to have such a beautiful wife and adoring children. I think the idea was to encourage him not to take such blessings for granted, but he obviously does.  But, if we are blessings. Why can't he just be cursed then? That was a terrible thing to say,  sorry. I do not wish him ill, I just wish him to consider for a moment that he is not entitled to the things he has and that if he does not move with the moving train, he will not be able to keep up, but be dragged underneath. He acts like some great thing is going to happen to him, but I suspect it will be more of a terrible thing unless he changes.

When I was married the first time, my husband had vices, but he was starting so much above the state that Nick is currently in terms of how he respects, and even how he loves those around him.

Back to my kids. If I ask Joseph to do a thing then he instantly does it, and when I do a thing for him, he says things like, "I will remember your kindness." Whereas Mary says, "Go do this for me because I want it, now" and if I say no she claims I am evil and I did it for Joseph so I ought to do it for her, immediately!

Likewise, when I understand a thing is expected of me, I put my effort to trying to figure out how to do it. There are almost too many things to count that Nick is asked to do but he claims it is impossible, urrr! Now, who would get the answer?

I love both of my children the same and dearly. Heavenly Father loves Nick dearly, but, the fact of the matter is that he does not do the things to deserve the reward. I am talking about simple cause and effect.

Oh, I never made a significant point that I started about my exhusband. Sure, there were problems, but I still do not know what they were and it makes me paranoid that I am the cause of failure around me. But, when we got married, my husband made huge efforts to be a better man and was extremely content with the idea of being together forever. Nick was reluctant from the start. I suggested marriage which he nonchalantly agreed to, then he claimed to my OB GYN nurse that Mary was not "planned" and that I attacked him. Huh? I had to explain it away because the doctor was worried about our home. Regardless, he never made any improvement, or stated any intentions of being together forever.

I just am a mess trying to figure out what is wrong because the church is teaching true principles and accordingly we should be prospering and seeing what is closer to our potential.

And the bottom line is I am getting old and ugly, so unless someone loves me for my mind, Hope is fading. Perhaps, because of poor choices, I will die unloved. I need to learn to deal with that.

Questions to the void

I ask alot of questions but I do not think I really want an answer, I just want to send them into the cosmic void.

So, why am I so concealed and meaningless?Is it because I failed to grab an opportunity, or is it honestly a matter of my protectiom, as I always tell myself?

In college it was obvious to everyone, including myself, that I truly was not common and if I did not learn to blend in someone who mattered would notice. And then I got BAM reset, but here I am enturely different circumstances. But slowly realizing that I do not blend well.

Unrelated to the subject, but triggered by a word. A professor told us once in madrigals that probably the worst thing someone could say after a concert was, "I heard you." Meaning among the many, you stood out. Blending afterall is the goal. On the software I use to compose there is a mixer setting and the "dial" reads "chorus" it is a blending effect intended to make any particular voice undetectable. So, it makes perfect musical sense that in a choir of people one ought not stand out. Ok, I am spinning the topic back to my original point somehow...

Recently, someone pointed out how every person hears the same thing, but then how that thing is percieved is entirely different. Alright, that is pretty straight forward and obvious. But, what was most interesting to me was that it was pointed out that despite attempts to correct a perception, in the form of a compliment or something, if it does not fit what is believed to be true it is rejected. Example: "you look great, today!" The you does not believe they look nice so they say, "Thank you, but that is not true." Or just say "Thank you. " and realize that the one who spoke was attempting to be kind, and that is the only thing percieved.  Now, what that had to do with what I am typing? I feel like I am not usual, and that I stick out despite my attempts to just be one of the many (https://youtu.be/LpXMnY_t03M), and my talk about not blending was just a random thought, but I pulled it up and then molded it to what my version of truth is, and so "spinning" of media is given a context. We all take what is and fit it to what we see otherwise we must reject it or *gasp*alter what we believe.

Oh, I need to accomplish something... I probably will never return and say anytjing more, so instead I say adieu to this and send it to "the void". We need a better word to represent that step up from delete but, disposing.

Could it be Magic

There is absolutely no explination or way to reason this out. When so mm ething is beyond our comprehension it is called magic right. So, my life, or this jumbled mass of experiences, cannot be untangled or straightened out in a way that a pattern immerges with an explination that will not buckel under scrutiny, so it must be magic.

Eternal

This morning, as I was contemplating things I thought, how we consider ourselves in the know because we know of our pre-existence, but do we really. Many know of that, it only makes good sense and any who can figure it out, not that it is considered a secret anyway.

But, if we are without begining or end of days, then there cannot be a first estate, that is just a mortal construct, then I rhought, we could not actually have a creator, we could not have been born because we already existed.

Existing is a way for us to think about things, but it feels like Bruno when he suggested the universe was much much larger, dare I suggest it is without end, and so are we? But, it is not an idea for this part of becoming as it neither aids or prosers us just to merely realize what is.

Long run

It is well-known that a certain behavior, though healthy is not sustainable over a long period of time. This is true with running or, in my case, being confined. It is begining to show signs that seem to coincide with aging and so can be overlooked, but I know that over a longer period of time I will degrade beyond recognition. I would not be able to endure things like running or carrying a child or even raising a child if I did not forsee an end. I am very sick right now, and thus prone to say things I otherwise would not. I would never admit that The end that I am enduring to is not at all desirable and I too often ask myself what for? I wuote the line from a great movie, when a woman faced dying she imparted these words (and they haunt me)"was it all for nothing?" The answer is that it depends on what it is. A good exsmple would be fasting. If not done purposefully it is merely starving, thus a sacrifice for nothing. My current situation feels like that. Less so because the sacrifice is personal and not known to others, and I have played the part well, but God knows and sees what really is and he is able and willing to help me out, so, there is an end and there is hope, but I just needed to say that it is just not like me to live like this and everything about my appearance is begining to reflect the stagnation that polutes me, and if I do not make some sort of action towards resolution, the old me, I so love and respect will be lost forever. This is not at all even any intended part of mortal life or marriage. I am upset. I am sick. I am tired. I am going to bed.

In too deep, well I can swim

Everything was fine when it was believed that I was so stupid to not know what was going on, but then thinking I just might get it...that joke just isn't funny anymore and the concern is that I would be angry that I was being made a fool.

If that were the case, I ought to feel bad for leading you to think that I was ignorant. I assumed that would be impossible. You even said that I was brilliant. Your guilt says you never actually believed that.

I certainly meant no more than to establish a relationship even if fake hands shaked, it was all figurative anyway, but the part that was sincere still is.

This is far more important than you

Nothing

Walking in the cold

I was actually thinking about how Lehi, Jesus and basically anyone we use as an example was ostracized in their community and it is odd to consider the things they teach as "conservative". The Jewish body as a whole were so angered by anyone trying to rock the boat that they sought a penalty of death for those who taught anything that offended them John the Baptist is a good example, but the very actions we want to emulate...um, but then Nick left without warning. He ought not warn anyone anyway as his doings had nothing to do with us anyway.

Often, I keep doings to mysrlf so as to not bother him. But, earlier, I wanted to simply go to the grocery store to pick up 2 things Mary needed, but he refused to tell,me a pin number and insisted that it was too cold, and so my muding turn to that. Sure it was brisk, but not hardly as cold as it usually is when we walk. His issue was not that I walk in the cold but that it reflect  poorly on him if I was seen walking in the cold when he could have helped me. And that sort of irks me to the point that I took it here to rant. If it was a concern of me, he could have easily shared the PIN number of the card he uses that is in my name, that I actually needed and asked for, but he refused to tell me which any husband would have and then expressed a concern for my being outside in the cold which he did not. So, now, it is bedtime and he is gone and never mentioned to a soul where he was going. I wonder if he even ever feels the slightest obligation to his family.

Lethal lifestyle

Instantly, words like "super size" come to mind when I say Lethal Lifestyle, but whatI am expressing a concern regarding is more akin to my husband saying that he cannot live places due to some allegry or asthma or something that would kill him. I am very easy going. I almost always give up my comfort for others, but being so easy going has most likely become toxic. Every malady that he bemoans is one I have deslt with, too, only less publically. For example he claims that he cannot fast due to hypoglycemia. I have been hypoglycemic sinfe birth, and so I adapt rather than complain that I cannot do things which have been commanded, like fasting. There is definately a way, his issue is complacancy and lack of desire, and so he just accepts a "sub" life.

Incase I never get there, I need to speak about how I clearly need to forgive because Nick is killing me.I was healthy and on the road to full recovery, but instead of being supportive and encouraging or joining in, he instead in most cases pulled me down with him. I should not see him as below me, but I do and if I stay, I will have to accept dying as a way of life.

I always believed that diversity was a strength and so I accepted how different everything is, but there is something most essential missing. There is practically no love. Infact, I actually love random homeless folk and beggers far more. Often, I have concluded that there is very little acceptable about him, in fact he is most disagreeable.

I am pretty sure I am dying, and he cannot wait till I die cause he can blame that on me. He has openly said that he would remarry, and that he should. As soon as the children are mature enough to not be sucked into his sort of lifestyle. If I sm still around, I will not be here. But, the children need me right now, of that I am certain, and I have promised to nurture and protect them and make sure they know what is the best way to live, living it is their choice, and that is why I am here, he would force them to do as he wishes, but not setting an example of what he tells them.

I am not silly enough to name this year as one wherenecessary changes take place, but I am certain Heavenly Father will provide a way for me to be sealed to one I love and who cherishes me, forever. That's really not my concern right now. I heard a quote from Sherri Dew today where she said if prayers and temple attendanfe won you blessings she would surely have a husband... I think she may. There are countless stalwart men who are not sealed to anyone either and maybe by demonstrating that much faith and dedication she has earned far better than this world can offer...there is a Brad Paisley song, I think, about how life couldn't get better, yet it always does. Being a mother is a significant part of this life and that is my concern....not details.

Notice the terrible language used  to describe my husband. Because, I can get so angry and blame it is a clear indication that I need to forgive and move on, or I never will. I just get to upset at all of the squandered potential and the numerous times I have suffered almost worse than death with no sympathy whatsoever from a man who considers himselfy legal husband. It is clear he habors no lovr or concern for me or his family instead he was worried about appearing to be a butt kisser so he quit his job and struggles and makes us all suffer for his pride. It seems that he has no concern for his family at all. Especially how he reguses to even take part in FHE.