live out loud

ha ha ha, When I got home from the hospital I found an old letter/card frm Lauren, the jist ws to live out loud and t that time i was obsessed with Rascal Flatts. there is a song "I'm going to love you out loud", but really i\my sentiments ae more like those of Toad the wet sprocket "we wouldn't be that brave, I know." and really I'm a coward, I feel no less, but am not brave enough.

I remember a Christmas when I was a little girl. I ws going to my grandparents house to see all of my family who I knew well and loved, but when we got there I was extremely shy. Infact, that feeling was embedded in my mind for when I try to define shy. It does not make sense, and the feelings are there and not cheapened or lessened because I will not display them, but that day I wanted to go play with my cousins insantly, but I was shy.

I have had a constant struggle in my life between my heart and mind, but true peace can be achieved and I will have it!!! Until then, I will flirt with living out loud and being completely openand honest, but for now I only recognize my lack and inability to do wht I want. But I used to want to fy, lol, no to slur on my trombone when moving my slide in a wrong direction, but I wasn't able to, so I set the goal to do so.

an angry rant

I need to come up with a goal that will make me truly happy. Something with a long
time frame would be great, to give me little attainable milestones.

I just keep thinking about how happy I was married to Brandall contrasted to my
life now, and They repeated today that Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He
doesn't wnt me to just deal with it. Something has got to change and I know that I
have to be the one to change it.

The other thing that occurred to me is that I was after the wrong thing. I failed
to consider what matter most to me, even though my dad was pointing it cou
constantly that we give up what we need or matters most for what we want right now,
and that is what I did.Nick filled a of my immediate needs, but the things that I
relly wanted were only hoped for, but he never actuallybecame the man I was
counting on. Point is, I was unhappy with Brandall, and am unhappy now, but for
entirely different reasons.

I was not immediately happy with BRandal and foolishly wanted out, but now I have
someone who would do for me what Brandall wouldn't right then, bt maybe it was best
that I not have those things, now I am unable to have chilen, I am not sealed to
someone, urrr! I am going to go reread my Pat. Blessing before I decide anything, I
thnk that Heavenly Father knows that I will turn to it for his advice in such
times.

I have been made constantly aware how people value and recognize direction that
comes from an unexplained or unreasonable source called our heart, and really I
know what my heatrt says, but my mind will not agree yet.
To be true, I jotted this down last night and since then have rethought it alot. Kinda' ironic, but if I listened to my heart I would not post this.

could have easily been a travelogue

I do not have any specific words to put here, but a feeling that I hope to translate into words. I fear it might leave me, just to revisit  me when I am not expecting it, so here is my feeling, oooh that sounds so "special". ha ha ha, really, I am completely serious. you know, I think my version of completely serious includes some humor. anyway, let me "get to it".

I constantly think, at times my thoughys would be blank,wait, does that nean my thoughts should be constantly blank? Dear me, that won't do.

Often, my thoughts return to this notion that love is supposed to be a constant. Once love is admitted, it might as well be a written contract.

Likewise, I told,my older brother that I hated him and then cried and cried and thought only sincere repentance could undo that. I was about 3 years old. I'm suprised I can remember back that far, but I remember.alot from when we lived in Richmond where Dad was a band director. I am verbally escaping my thoughts again, INSTEAD OF CAPTURING THEM. I REALIZRD THAT VERBALIZING AN EMOTION IS NOT A CONTRACT NOW, BUT I, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS CANNOT ALTER WHO I LOVE. SEVERAL QUOTES OF MOVIES, BOOKS,AND SONGS COME TO MIND SUGGESTING THAT I AM NOT THE SILENT MINORITY IN THAT SENTIMENT.

I BET THE REASON I COULD UNDO HATING MY BROTHER WAS THAT I LOVED HIM FIRST.

ALRIGHT THIS CAPS LOCK THING IS NOT GOING TO DISSUADE ME, BUT IT SURE AS HECK FRUSTRATES ME!!!

this is useless

Please, do not read this.

Are you still reading? Why? I assure you that there is nothing to see here, to improve your life.infact is you keep reading, you might regret it.

Your parents were really Santa Claus. There, you happy now? dare I continue?

One day. I will look back on this an laugh, because it is laughable. it is funny that I believe so fully in a pipe dream. I know something that I could not possibly know and worse I believe it regardless of proof. I think it would make a fantastical story.

Once upon a time there was a lady who was anxious to try something even though she knew that she wouldn't like it. like diving from a cliff into cold water. after a while, you get used to it. The big struggle is forcing yourself to take the plunge. So her beloved companion  went first to show her the way, and without thinking she jumped because she did not want to be alone so far away from him. She had watch the pool below and wondered where the others wenr before they pooped up for air, relieved that they had conquered their fear and jumped. But, al of that was for gotten when se leapt. her concern was only to stay near the only one who mattered to her.

It must be addressed why they chose to drive up to jump off of this cliff anyway. But, once there, they alljust wanted down, which meant jumping. Until Russell suggested that they all just take a hike down, through the forrest, though they did not have proper shoes on for such an activity and common sense dictated that they be prepared before hiking in an unknown forest.

Why were they prepared for this jump anyway? For some it was a thrill, for others it was a chore. ultimately, if they wanted to earn respect and bragging rights in their little camp then they needed to perform this particular feat, whatever their personal reasons.

You see, everyone who went to this camping site wanted to be like the one of who all of the legends were told. No one knew if they were true, but everyone knew that by performing the acts one would become honored and respected.

Ok, Have people stopped reading yet? I wanted to speak about something that I was thinking about. And, by speak, I mean type it to the wind. i will feel relieved somehow in knowing that anyone "can" know this, but few to none "will" know it. I mean if the blog title doesn't scare you off, and my warnings, coupled with my verbocity. nothing rightly will.

I knew that I would have to overcome obstacles, just like others that I watched, but watching, I felt gave me an advantage. I would e abe to endure it well. Pus, I had the extra time to observe and figure out what skills would give me a needed advantage. But, getting the advantage for this part didn't seem too valuable, but I was assured that it would seem much different to me once I was in the situation.

For a very long time, knowing that I exsisted before this life and would exsist after it made me adopt a different perspective than most. The thing I only riddledout in stories was the need to be married. It is probably akin to the reason Adam and Eve had to come here and live by faith, I see the obviousness of learning good and evil, but why do we have to live by faith? my only guess is that it is the only way to obey our feelings, They say that a child is teachable so we become more childlike when we do not "Know" things. If we want to be like God then we need to be married, but even now I cannot reason out why it must be done in this world.

Here is my most dangerously lethal thought. explsive even if not handled cautiosly and carefully. I think I know who I want to be with forever, but I need to know, and something whispers you have to accept that on faith. It seems to important of a matter to risk being wrong, but I guess that is the same thing that atheists claim, "I'm not anti-Creator I just think it is pretty rediculous to claim that you know there is a god when really you couldn't prove that at all."And regarding that I easily reply, why the heck would it even matter if you think it is rediculous? The same could be asked about me, what the heck does it matter if people iving at the same time on earth as you do not approve if as Howard Jones wrote "He loves you and you love him, too."

I really did indend to succeed here, but wonder if I am failing horribly. I know that I will have failed if I do not accomplish a few of the necessary things to accomplish, but even successin those things will not bring me peace.

Why the heck did Iever even think about something like this?

Unrequited - ok, how long we talking?

I got to a strange noteworthy thought that deserve a snide remark or two, guess that makes it remarkable. I was thinking about how short this life really is and the fact that it has an undeniable purpose which is to teach us to love. Further this is the realm where we choose a companion with whom to be with forever. Forever is a mortal term to explain the state on constantly being or something. It makes sense that as teens we begin frantically exertin our independence and seeking out someon to practice loving on. Then we get older and realize new things and instead of just being content and using what we know npw with what we have, we divorce then try again and remary, hoping that we will live long enough for our past attempt at love will fade away. I must point out that there are exceptions. But now life is even longer than it was thought so will it beome common to divorce and remarry again? Becoming the new norm and thinming that we re so much wiser and can make a better choice now... I got thinking that what we see here is yet another type of unrequited love. We do not want to find true love until the last minute. An elderly lady that I stayed with one summer was married three times and she was very tormented as to which man she really loved and wanted to be with. the one who died in the midst of strong passion and attraction/ or the one who she raised a beautiful family with and was sealed to. I know her kids prefer the later, but which is really love? We all like to feel intense emotions and part of the definition of the romantic was something that is short lived. I think that it works to my benefit to believe that I have not truly loved yet, because I expect to continue. If this life is really so short even a long life with someone wouldn't be very long. Ok, I could say more if I divulged spefics, but, I'm tired of this crap. I think I would love someone intensely, it is true, but would very much like to develop a true and more lasting kind of eternal love than the crap that people croon on about. It makes me sick, really.

reminder

Every now and then I need a little reminder. So, that's what this is.

the ultimate

Much has lead me to this point it is not at all a sudden conclusion, the accountability for such thought is my own. I am responsible for the idea. My conclusion is that I have made such a terrible mistake that I fear even admitting it. But my more firm conclusion in these last days of this era of life is that, I was right in my assumption that our actual physical appearance is of little consequence. It really is.

If I loved someone, their physcal or changing beauty would matter very little to me. But, something matters very much! That something is often replaced with attraction which makes us feel happy as long as it lasts, but it does not last and I thought that I would find real love in ignoring physical attraction, but my mistake was in assuming there would be something else. That something else  is what we are all always looking for. So often it comes later when we resolve to love, come what may, Then we discover a greater love, but I discovered nothing. It was a huge void. Normally the advice would be to go back to what first attracted you, and that would be a good place to start over. I have only ever found those attractive that would never even consider me because I was not atractive enough and now, it is too late, I'm old and to the point where the physical part is fading, so how do you get to know more?

 Hindsight tells me that I was actually beautiful, though I never thougt so. I was always waiting to some future event, "to play out like a scene straight from the silver screen." I thought you found true love in the nature of a person online, because you weren't biased or blinded by hormones or anything, but I was wrong. I think if I had been truly right, it would not be hard to convince me, and If my husband was such a wonderful guy then what would he be doing with a messed up girl like me? I was divorced and disabled and looking for escape. Who in their right mind would have anything to do with that?

I only wanted to say one thing. I do not look the way I want to, but I am a person who is attractive to someone, who will feel as strongly about my welfare as I do his. It is scary because I do not know that such a person exsists. It's like that leap of faith scene in "The Temple of Doom". Indy cheats and tosses out pebbles instead of just stepping out blindly. I used to get so upset that I did not look like the girls in the games and pornography that interests my husband, but now I just don't care. It really doesn't matter. It is not my looks that will make me so incredibly attractive anyway. I do not only believe this a little bit. I KNOW I am so much more than my physical appearance. Though I never bought that "sweet spirit" crap either. It is no better than our appearance, something we have control over to change. There is an unchanging me, I believe it is what thew world refers to as the "heart" as in "listen to your heart" etc.

explination

Let me explain why I write so much. It is to fill my need to speak out, which is not being met anywhere else in my life. I disapprove of this. It is something teenagers do when they go through that "I am a lone island" thing, they hope, like ocean fishing, that if they put out the bait they hope they will find comonality somewhere. I read a preface to a C.S.Lewis book, but it didn't fully sink in until now. No matter what you say someone will say that they think the exact same thing.

I believed everything I read, again. Stupid, I'm so stoooopid! just let me play the wheel o fish! I did most of the talking and because I recieved affirmative response I thought others thought the same thing and understood what I was saying.

What more can I say? Please, don't shed a tear for that poor little grape that will never see his home or family again. He *wants* to be squeezed to death and be fermented and then drank by someone as an accessory to your dinner.

New Era?

I think this is the beginning of a new era. Ok, that was cheesy, and the name of a magazine, but I swear that was a coincidence. I was just trying to think of the word to apply for the way I feel about this. I don't care about getting to a particular point or even where I am going. I just feel like the moment itself will be of such perfection that I would use the moment to define all time before or hereafter.

In church a lady told about her struggles and how she and her family were without a home, but she had the faith to believe that if Heavenly father wanted her here (in Layton, in this case) then he would take care of arranging a home. She didn't need the details. And those are the kind of people that I associate with. cool, huh?

I no longer worry about if I am pretty enough or smart enough or all around good enough. I'll just asume that I'm not, but regardless I will be loved for being who I am, and that will not make me complaceant, like it seems. It will drive me on to want to be all that I can be... la la la in the army. No, but I bet that's what you were thinking, too.

The song I want to write is about sex, but not the stuff others try to sell. I think alot of that stuff is really just reguritated smut. I mean, yeah I even previously learned that the act of having sexual intercourse is meaningless and practically pointless, like taking recreational drugs. So we have children to give our actions purpose, I want to write about the thing Seely Booth was referring to in the TV program "Bones". I am facinated by two people trying to occupy the same space kinda thing. Lacy liked a song biological and I figured it would be the case because she represents the science side of everything, My own upbringing is a religious one, but I think there is a place where they both meet and agree perfectly.

I have been such a place as I fought so ferverently inside. My battle was waged between my heart (how I felt or religion) and it's beliefs and my mind (how I thought or science) and it's beliefs. Finally, I have peace so I know there must be a way for the two to find a common ground. A reasonable religion or a moral science, maybe?

impossible

supposedly nothing is impossible, but how could there be anything equal let alone better than what I had. I settled for different, but I'm miserable.