Just realized it

So, as I was listening to the song I think it was called Ain't Nobody. Which is sorta kinda funny as I type it I realize when typed it means something different than it seemed so entirely when I heard it, cause of the double negative. Anyhow, just as I figured out that God was the one who loved me so much. I felt proud might be the word, to have had so many experiences where intervention was obvious. I cannot believe that it never occurred to me how loved I had been all along. I am really really loved, now I want to listen to that Josh Groban song You Are Loved. As I was so happy to finally figure ot out although I had even been directly and bluntly told that it was significant to realize how much God loves me, I realize that he loves everyone that much, it is no distinction. It is a fact.

It's like this. I would do practically anything for Lena cause I love her so much, but that doesn't mean I would do anything less for another child as well. Until I was a parent I frowned upon calling parental love love. It was not a choice really. It just happens and has no bounds. I never doubted that my parents loved me and I also knew they loved each of my siblings as much so being loved by a parent did not make me feel special. I knew I was a child of God and thereby loved. Now, as a parent I know there is more to it and it is not just a given thing. I seriously and completly love each child and even come to tears thinking about it or when I make promises to always watch out for them, not even being sure I can do so after death, but assure them that if there is anyway, they can be sure that I will find it for them! It is a true and powerful love that doesn't NEED to exist. So, God feels about me and He actually knows me and the desires of my being and he loves me for who I am. It really is loving parts of himself in me, which I bet being able to love yourself is one of the hardest things to do and a very important reason to have children.

Yesterday, I was a bit upset at Joseph for constantly referring to Nick's mother as such and not his grandmother. I told him, after Nick explained why she did not want us to visit her grave (which we did anyhow, sorry), that as well as her spirit part of her body still lived on. Then his interest was piqued. I spared him a lecture on mitochondria and simply asked him to consider where his body came from. And that it was part dad and part me and dad was part his mom, so that meant he was partially her, too.

So, rather than blabber on and on... I need to bake cookies, etc.

https://youtu.be/EGLSk3AVcUU

Ignorance

It occurrs to me often that I can choose to be ignorant and extremely happy or I can continue to try to understand things and go through confusion, and you know, confusion seems a lot more noble to me now. Sort of like a emblem of my progression. I think it was what my 9th grade algebra teacher meant when he told us that he was much more ignorant than us, and it was his sincere wish that we all would as ignorant one day if not more so. At the time, I thought he was on to something,  and that was merely a comment on how teens think they know it all and it is hard to give to aomeone who doesn't need anything.

At least not to the point where...

I read a thing that made me think of a Matchbox 20 song, I am reviewing it in my head right now to get to the title
Ok, appropriately, the title fits my thoughts: Back 2 Good

I do not know if the image is already posted, or will need some editing a.k.a "post post rigging" (the image did post following my ranting post which seems backwards, but oh well...)

The thing that always got to me about that song was that it expressed an inner (secret) wish as a solution to the problem and it would be acted upon if no one else was aware of it, then as the lyrics state, it is alright if others know, as long as we feel like we are getting away with it. That is what I am thinking about. How many rules and restrictions SEEM to be interfering with our goal while they actually are improving it, just not to the point where we would think so. Why does it matter that we think things are helping our agenda or not? My answer lies in our definition of sentient being. I think of another song by Alanis Morrissette (sp?) Where she sings that" I am Aware now" so? Or, maybe that dates me, then how about  Katty Perry, "I'm Wide Awake" or Amy Lee's, "wake me up inside, free me from the nothing I've become". It seems we find purpose and value in being aware.

I noted a huge turning point in my "recovery" when I was ill, when I could recall things like why I was there and when, and it matched others. We all needed a common point of reckoning or something to feel valid.

As I read a spiraling, I thought, "dear,me, the center cannot hold. Things will get out of control." It is like a serence bathtub with one tiny impurity that we think will be removed and everytime we try it escapes at the lat minute,  so we devise to make a current and pull the plug to send the impurity down the drain. The trick is to get the garbage into the vortex, from there, the spiral action will suck it in and down. Most of the water will remain and it will be pure, so regardless if the speck is happier or not, it did not belong in the tub.

This is a metaphor of law, and a main reason I dislike it being ruled by money. As if fines punish offenders. It only punishes those with little money. And, like disciplining my children, punishment does not always work. My daughter responds when rewarded for adherence whereas she seems oblivious to punishment, at least unaware of what it is for, so it becomes a personal attack on her instead of a consequence for breaking a law.

My arm is falling asleep.

So, this reading makes me want to comment because I fear that the writer of it is not aware of the true reason for order. Um, surely not. Even in preschool we read a book where it repeated when a child broke rules, "what if everyone did that?"

In large URBAN civilizations, anytime actually, where many wills are united there needs to be a common denominator, or uniting purpose to create serenity or the possibilities that come from surviving together. Sure, surviving is not the goal, thriving is, and can only be achieved through surviving.

I WAS teetering

I knew that I needed to make a choice,  and I have been weighing them back and forth for days, and I stumbled upon one thing that having read it I instantly knew what I wanted though circumstances sway me, a part of me is constant.  Just as sure as I ever was I am way more sure of the other choice now. I think of another thing someone said about making choices that are difficult. It said, in effect, that people wonder why I insist on choosing the more difficult path and I ask them why they insist there is another way.