Story that crushed my spirit

I was 15 living in Georgia and my Grandparents were both visiting, probably on their trek to Florida or from there to Michigan. Anyway, my Grandma Babcock told a crazy story, that I loved, about how she had fooled Grandpa into marrying her by making him believe that she had a box of treasure buried somewhere. Grandpa clarified that he actually just loved her.

This was so sweet!

Naively, misunderstanding love as I was prone to at that age. I asked Grandma DeMott if she fell madly in love with Grandpa cause he was so handsome. She said, "No. I was much too resonable. I had many suitors but also I had expensive taste and he was a promising chemist and I realistically knew that he would be able to provide the life I needed." What awesome advice I might have received, but instead I only heard the unexpected "No." I thought marraige was based on love so it crushed me to hear her say that she had not been madly in love. Actually, now I think she may have been. They seemed so in love, and were heroes to me.

Frustrated!!!!

I was getting so extremely not patient. I want to stay in the bounds of what is right, but I often reach a point where I am so frustrated that I don't even care. I want to say, "well, it was nice waiting around with you, but I am not getting any younger and I am tired of waiting".

There is a living scripture cartoon called "Bread from Heaven." And in the begining a boy  wants to go do what is right, but got weary of waiting for some Savior. But, Ironically, that is who comes and sort of repurposes the boys life. I thought, wish I could do that, maybe there is a coping lesson in there for me. So, I reviewed it in my mind and thought, That's it! I need to find and follow the Savior, it seems like no one could help me and no one will even comprehend my trouble. Then, I thought, Hannah does and surely if she does then God does and he is mindful and will help me the best way I need. I believe that. My answer is to study my scriptures and pray seriously and intently. We were sent to earth as an opportunity to see what we desire. I desire God's plan of happiness and I always have, but I just cannot sustain the belief that this family is the center of happiness for me.

I seperated worlds in my mind today and decided that I had made not binding committment other than the one I made to Brandall. So, if I know that I do not want to be eternally with Nick - a new pararagrah for that thought. My choice is what do I choose as evidence of my disregard for the ways of the earth and men, but the way of God and eternity. I would rather suffer terrible torrments for the rest of mortality than live forever in misery.

My final conclusion was that I was still needed by the children, and, God knows and promises that no one will be denied eternal blessings if they are truly earned. I will be held resonsible for the care of these children. I do love them and they are precious beyond any other prize. I will not give my eternal life for them, but if I help them the best I can then I will be helped, too.

Yesterday, I realized how much I actually hate Nick. I didn't think I ever even could feel so terribly about anyone, but where much is given much is expected. At FHE, it was the last straw when he ignored us all and did his own thing. No good thing about his even comes close to making putting up with him forever worth it. Especially when it comes to things that are significant to me. I used to think that we wanted the same things and what makes us different is our pace not our direction, but, pace is what I am talking about. If he knows something is true. But doesn't do it. I suppose it is motivation and I Am not and do not care to be a motivation. He has his,agency and his choice is clearly not me. So, why peresist?

I don't get it

so people want to be skinny, but they want have fat, too but only some fat is acceptable. I see ads of women who are supposedly skinny, but I see tons of fat on their bodies, and anytime I get very thin and muscular I am not lighter, in fact I am much heavier. I feel healthy but, according to 'health' magazines I ought to have more fat on my body to look healthy. I just get frustrated and blame such frustration on genetics. I just am not one of those small fat people, but that is really what society claims is best. but, what s it even best for definitely not survival. If we are to assume evolution is survival of the fittest society is not choosing the same thing nature is. From my parents: dad says he prefers mom to be a bit heavier. when she gets too skinny, I think she looks great, but dad says that she looks like a boy. hmmm. well, don't boys like boys anyway? well, then my mom told me that she had read an article that recommended being slightly overweight and it was actually healthier and a sign of strength and endurance. interesting, huh? Well, I like to be very skinny, but it seems that despite all I do my body wants to take on it's own shape, so to make myself feel better I think well, to be prepared for any emergency of famine, it would be better to have a body that needs to consume less, and has enough stored up to feed myself incase I am forced to neglect. and my mom said, "we naturally gain an extra 5 pounds every ten years, and I weigh a good 15 lbs. less than I did in college anyway, and if I was really believing the promptings of he prophet to be prepared my body is naturally doing it's part. It would behoove me to follow suit with my home. before it s a necessity.