Absolutely nothing you think matters as much

It does not matter how fine a thought or strong a feeling may run, God wants you to love one another, even your enemy. He can actually help you feel that love if you sincerely seek to do so, which you should. Not wanting to obey is more usual than not it is a perfect set up to proving your descipleship. If you love him, keep his comnandments, he has commanded above all else love one another and if we need forgiveness, then look for opportunities to give it.

I remember an event that took so much faith! A total stranger asked to take my son to school. I prayed so hard and worried, and looked things up, but finally decided to just trust, she had said that she worked at the school. I felt good about that at least. Then she wrote to me explaining why she felt impressed to help. It was because she had been praying that morning to find ways to serve others and it was snowing and she saw me walking the kids to school everyday. I was so much more at peace knowing that. Then it was God simply seeing a need and meeting it, nit some crazy lady driving my son off somewhere. She did have two sons with her, and subsequently, I have seen her at other events at church and school, and my son is very very fond of her. The reason I tell that story is as an example of how someone wanted to do a thing and so prayed about it and then listened and obeyed promptings. Fear is the opposit of faith. I would like to report how I was inspired to know and trust this woman right off, but I didn't. That is how I feel right now. I am mad and want to be an enemy, but I need to obey what I am told and I have clearly been told to just love 'em anyway.

It was a strange path

I was thinking about how much I have changed from the girl I was and have come to appreciate all I achieved and so I feel more accutely, almost anew, the horror of everything I lost. I need to remind myself that all sacrifice is exactly that. Only the sacrifice was not as large in my mind as it truly was, and I am currently really really sad for it. Though, if one continues to follow my progress it may come quickly, or maybe in hindsight you, as a reader already know the plot twist and the envitable end, so maybe you can feel a,bit like God in knowing what I do not, I only hope and right now I suffer because the end is a mystery to me. I only see what I lost. I recently saw a show and in it a carachter said this, "I came to know that my past was not going to determine my future."

On my mind...

As I was watching The Ten Commandments cartoon, I was,aware of how long it took God to answer the prayers of the Hebrew slaves, because he had to get things done in order. Moses needed to be born and preserved. I think of how I have known of people who prayed for things and then, because it was not immediately answered it was mistaken for not being answered at all. Hence, there is no God. I believe I am here as the answer to one's prayer. That prayer was thought to have been forgotten and long assumed it would not be answered because it was not yet answered in a way that had been expected.

It reminds me of times I thought I wanted a job but was not given it. And it was just to prepare me for a more ideal one. Though I wanted that job. The fact that I was not given it kept me free and able to accept the right one when it came along.

The other thing heavily on my mind is how many variables I had written off as coincidence or not relating to each other. Like how awesome it is to be alive now and under these crcumstances, or being descended from people who also lived in Palmyra, NY where the book of Mormon was deposited. I think it must all be evidence that when applied to eachother lead to something important. Though, I suspect something, as of yet, I do not actually know what I suspect.