Alright, it started with the song "Zombie" by the Cranberries which made me feel like I ought to focus on the Burt's and McMu/illen's again. I remembered how strong the pull was around 2005, but before then, I kept on feeling like I needed to move to Utah. I mentioned it to Brandall, who reminded me how I hated Utah, etc. Then, after the illness/hospital incidence he became my reminder in many areas because I was pretty much a blank slate. He had to tell me things I liked and didn't like, apparently, I was pretty quirky. I did not like Jello, or flowers either despite my inclinations. Alright, but, then he divorced me with no readon that I have ever been able to gleen. It hurt much, much more than any physical/mental damage. But, without him to remind me, I felt a huge urge to be in Utah, and here I am. Perhaps, it is a coincidence, or perhaps it was orchestrated. His family did offer alot of prayers, as did mine
It reminds me a while lot of the "Somethings the matter with daddy" part of "It's a Wonderful Life".
The real difference between my family and his though is that they believe that prayers are answered when things happen the way you want them, and they wanted me out of Brandall's life. I was present multiple times when they prayed, not for me, but that the children would be "saved", ok. End there. My family taught me that the answers to prayers cone often in ways you least expect or understand.
I was thinking alot about a blessing I had that said that my ancestors were depending on me. Why me? Any way, it seems that I would have the opportunity to do things they needed and I should. So, despite my wondering why me, I realized that I have been sort of "ally oop" set up ideally to help my family, and it may have been an answer to prayers that I am here.
Yeah, yeah... "it is in my head", and that is where it would've stayed, but it does not end there. I recently heard that even though people experience the same things at different ages in their life they will not experience them the same way. So, even if I try to recall things I experienced as a teenager, I will understand them as I do now. Everytime I go to the temple it makes me miss Brandall and I remember times and think of what I would have done differently, but that is precisely the thing I ought to consider which actually has nothing to do with Brandall, but all to do with me now. I am not the same person I was and I need to let go of the past which so much is liking and doing things I would have despised before. I see how both my family and his family could have their prayers answered and be happy. Now, it is my duty to continue doing and becoming who I am. Somewhere along the way I became someone unlike who I have been blessed to become.
I will attach this part here, because it is significant, but does not deserve it's own post. It starts with a comment in a class O was in where I was learning how prayers are answered. A woman I admire told a story where she was using her prayer to communicate her sincere wish to know what to do with her Heavenly Father. In turn she did two things to show her sincereity. She was on the temple grounds...that part impressed me because one did not need to actually go inside the temple, and I would be too wary of any communication unless it was in a place outside influences could not dwell. So, her story continued setting an example of how God speaks back to us. To me her scincereity was demonstrated by going to the temple grounds which demonstrated sufficient faith cause why would she even go to the temple unless she believed it was a Holy Place, this demonstrated to God as much as let's say um, Joseph Smith going to a grove of trees. So, God did not appear and speak directly to her, but he used the words found in the scriptures to tell her what she needed to know. It is a scripture in Esther, I believe, no matter where, she opened immediately to a passage that said that she should go live with her in laws, and that is exactly what she did. Likewise, I had been fasting and praying and I thought of her story and so I opened up scriptures thinking that God had something to say to me that ought not be made public, so I will not say what I asked or what I learned, but it was an entirely odd thing in it's original context, to say, so I had to reread it several times to be sure it was even said because it answered me exactly and I knew undeniably what I ought to do in no uncertain terms, and I was not spinning words or meaning to say what I wanted, so you see how I could have been skeptical that any scripture said that. But, it did.
2 more things. I never refound a passage from Isaiah about Eagles that made me feel certain that I was in the right place doing the right thing despite what I may have been naturally inclined to do. Regardless, the passage is seared into my head although I have never found it again. I did not imagine it. The second thing is how significant it is that important things be what appears to be hidden, but as we develop to understand greater truths, that would be misconstrued or misused at the stage most would understand them, the things seem hidden and mysterious. But, all adults realize how sometimes we must dismiss our children when we discuss things. It is not to keep our words hidden but because they would or should not be understood yet. I was impressed by how a thing happened that seemed to me to be the source of conspiracy in a thing Heavenly Father purposefully "disclosed" from his children. Later thoughts taught me that there have always been things out of our grasp and possibility of understanding, and that gap is bridged, when needed by faith. Then when crossed we look back seeing why it was so.
