Say it out loud

I am strangely being transformed from one who spoke their mind to one who opts to write out their thoughts. Why is that?

My guess is that it has to do with my audience or my ability. I honestly cannot speak as well, and though it ought not determine or keep me from saying what is best, the difficulty and the corseness of my speech causes me to turn elsewhere like a horse with blinders. I was respected for my ability. I think of the saying that it is better to remain silent than to speak and remove all doubt. I would rather be remembered as a respected orator. Now, I find refuge for the thoughts that boil over, in writing them down. And, who I am speaking to has changed from an endo dynamic to a exo one. What the heck does that mean?

I used to say things intended to benefit and buoy those who already believed as I do. But, now more of what I have to say is intended for the global population. I tried Youtube, but again, my days of public speaking are passed. I will join Moses on the bench and say, "I cannot speak." When clearly I can, but I do not want it to distract from what I have to say.

It will be the greatest challenge ever, to me, to stand up to those placed over me, but it honestly is only temporary. In so doing, I will not be understood, but yesterday a song lyric attached to my heart. It said that Jesus was a man least understood. And we have all been asked to follow him, and by so doing we ought to expect to rarely be understood. Being understood does not make a thing right or wrong.

Ha ha ha. Yesterday, Joseph told me that I should not chose the left, that is bad. I should always choose the right. It is along those lines that I am drawn to conclude. I believe that he has been sufficiently given the way to choose what is right for him to become in body who he is in spirit. All of my children are obviously incredible  spirit children of great promise, old souls with vast potential. It is when I contemplate the eternity that sadly I feel like my path is clear, but it must lie ahead still for try as I do, I cannot even choose the left if I wanted to...

Agency is one of the most significant gifts. It was pointed out to me, yesterday, that we do not have agency given to us so that we can chose what we want, but so we can chose what is best. Often, the correct choices lead us to more trials, and that is how it should be. It does not mean because it was hard that it was wrong. But, it allows us a change to prove to God and ourselves that we will Infact seek what we ought to do and choose the right.

Ugh, I just realized that I did not make the point that I intended. It was that things are more clear to us if we speak them or in this case write them. It is in submitting our thoughts to the scrutiny of others that we become more solidified. Sort of like the enemy of my enemy is my friend. How so? Well, if you are sure of a thought enough to put it out there, then you must embrace it and be willing to defend it.

My philosophy professor asked me after class once if I was a philosophy major. I told him that I was just Mormon. He was obviously confused. So, I explained that in a highly anti-Mormon place like this I had to know what I believed and why is all.

A song repeats in my head

It is what they call an ear worm the one part of a song by paramore called Misery Business.

I started playing in my head like all infectious songs, as a joke or something I was initially laughing at, but it is sort of like we cry when we are happy, maybe laughing is my inappropriate emotion. I was laughing because Brandall wrote me a letter saying that our marriage was still salvageable but I needed to be upfront with him and maybe tell him things. Laughter is because the thing he wanted me to share with him was my supposed repressed fantasies. "...wildest dreams come true not one of them involving you..." I did not tell him because the only thing that held me back at all from realizing any dreams was him, but if it was only a,matter of communicating a thing and saving my marriage, I would have just made something up, normally, I can and do.

Then I remember Nick commenting that it was likely the same wedge between us as was what ruined my first attempted marriage. I thought again that sounded preposterous. There are absolutely no commonalplities, except for the thing that is not funny, but I laugh about it. My realities have no potential of reaching what I need.

Mini course adjustments

At the time little bitty alterations in what I actually did opposed to what I originally intended seemed minor and more educated was all. But, in retrospect, I see that very small alterations in direction make for very large differences in destination.

For example, I wrote a letter to myself at age 14 to be opened at age 18. I intended to go to BYU, and could have, I was accepted and well qualified. It seemed like nothing too important, besides, I was only 17 anyway when I started college, maybe I ought to stay closed to home.

Fate would have it we moved to Mississippi the day I graduated, and I got a full scholarship to a community college. Sensible, affordable, just a little adjustment better suited, huh? I even visited BYU on a winter vacation and moved there after graduation to kinda fufill my inner desire to be there. But, I hated it, so regardless of my course correction, I moved to Seattle.

Moving to WA seemed right at the time, too. And as fate would have it. I ended up back in Mississippi and found a Southern husband (which was a main reason I moved away) who I had actually crossed paths with unwittingly in Utah. I still felt like I,needed to go there for some reason, but he reminded me how much I disliked Utah.

Well, long story short, here I am. way off track, but unable to shake the pull of the place, afterall Brigham Young said,"This is the place."

My point being my life is much more than one aspect (the right place). My best friend, and seminary pal used to always quote to me, "The single most important thing in any Latter-day Saint Youth's life is being in the right place with the right person at the right time." (To keep my eyes off the many ideal guys at school) I almost have too many anecdotes from personal experience to share in how to apply that.

Looking back, I can see how things unfolded do differently than what was expected. Those changes are accounted for by minor changes.