Questions to the void

I ask alot of questions but I do not think I really want an answer, I just want to send them into the cosmic void.

So, why am I so concealed and meaningless?Is it because I failed to grab an opportunity, or is it honestly a matter of my protectiom, as I always tell myself?

In college it was obvious to everyone, including myself, that I truly was not common and if I did not learn to blend in someone who mattered would notice. And then I got BAM reset, but here I am enturely different circumstances. But slowly realizing that I do not blend well.

Unrelated to the subject, but triggered by a word. A professor told us once in madrigals that probably the worst thing someone could say after a concert was, "I heard you." Meaning among the many, you stood out. Blending afterall is the goal. On the software I use to compose there is a mixer setting and the "dial" reads "chorus" it is a blending effect intended to make any particular voice undetectable. So, it makes perfect musical sense that in a choir of people one ought not stand out. Ok, I am spinning the topic back to my original point somehow...

Recently, someone pointed out how every person hears the same thing, but then how that thing is percieved is entirely different. Alright, that is pretty straight forward and obvious. But, what was most interesting to me was that it was pointed out that despite attempts to correct a perception, in the form of a compliment or something, if it does not fit what is believed to be true it is rejected. Example: "you look great, today!" The you does not believe they look nice so they say, "Thank you, but that is not true." Or just say "Thank you. " and realize that the one who spoke was attempting to be kind, and that is the only thing percieved.  Now, what that had to do with what I am typing? I feel like I am not usual, and that I stick out despite my attempts to just be one of the many (https://youtu.be/LpXMnY_t03M), and my talk about not blending was just a random thought, but I pulled it up and then molded it to what my version of truth is, and so "spinning" of media is given a context. We all take what is and fit it to what we see otherwise we must reject it or *gasp*alter what we believe.

Oh, I need to accomplish something... I probably will never return and say anytjing more, so instead I say adieu to this and send it to "the void". We need a better word to represent that step up from delete but, disposing.

Could it be Magic

There is absolutely no explination or way to reason this out. When so mm ething is beyond our comprehension it is called magic right. So, my life, or this jumbled mass of experiences, cannot be untangled or straightened out in a way that a pattern immerges with an explination that will not buckel under scrutiny, so it must be magic.

Eternal

This morning, as I was contemplating things I thought, how we consider ourselves in the know because we know of our pre-existence, but do we really. Many know of that, it only makes good sense and any who can figure it out, not that it is considered a secret anyway.

But, if we are without begining or end of days, then there cannot be a first estate, that is just a mortal construct, then I rhought, we could not actually have a creator, we could not have been born because we already existed.

Existing is a way for us to think about things, but it feels like Bruno when he suggested the universe was much much larger, dare I suggest it is without end, and so are we? But, it is not an idea for this part of becoming as it neither aids or prosers us just to merely realize what is.

Long run

It is well-known that a certain behavior, though healthy is not sustainable over a long period of time. This is true with running or, in my case, being confined. It is begining to show signs that seem to coincide with aging and so can be overlooked, but I know that over a longer period of time I will degrade beyond recognition. I would not be able to endure things like running or carrying a child or even raising a child if I did not forsee an end. I am very sick right now, and thus prone to say things I otherwise would not. I would never admit that The end that I am enduring to is not at all desirable and I too often ask myself what for? I wuote the line from a great movie, when a woman faced dying she imparted these words (and they haunt me)"was it all for nothing?" The answer is that it depends on what it is. A good exsmple would be fasting. If not done purposefully it is merely starving, thus a sacrifice for nothing. My current situation feels like that. Less so because the sacrifice is personal and not known to others, and I have played the part well, but God knows and sees what really is and he is able and willing to help me out, so, there is an end and there is hope, but I just needed to say that it is just not like me to live like this and everything about my appearance is begining to reflect the stagnation that polutes me, and if I do not make some sort of action towards resolution, the old me, I so love and respect will be lost forever. This is not at all even any intended part of mortal life or marriage. I am upset. I am sick. I am tired. I am going to bed.