just concluded this!

The reason I have ever been confused, doubted my worth, or basically lacked faith was because of one thing. It is probably a gift to believe that I am a daughter of God, but I do without reservation, my trouble has always been that I did not create any proper representation for "God". In my mind He was always this overlord, or disembodied "goodness" floating around. Do not get me wrong. I have been taught clearly many times, in fact, who the Godhead is. But, I echo the words some script writer for the recent version of "The Cosmos" gave to BRUNO when he said, "Your idea of God is not big enough." I have all the pieces in place to overcome. At this moment, I feel like the seed in the Allegory "The Garden" by Michael McLean. I am all ready to grow, and I have been confused as to "why I can't grow", It all hinges on a better comprehension of who God is...Semantics, but maybe that is what also causes us to "fear" him. It would be truly humiliating to understand what he can do, and yet, We are everything he is in embryo... it was put best on the cover/bio of Tal Bachman's self-titled debut cd. He had never even tried or considered music, but he was an acorn, and an oak tree was inevitable, although an acorn does not seem to resemble the thing it becomes. He goes on to explain how many things seemed to have been preparing him for such a life, he claims that it was all he really knew how to do. I think that maybe all of my failures or foibles are me becoming a very bad duck, because I am actually a swan. Frankly, I am right on track to become what I will be it is just that I do not recognize it in this realm. Ok, I need some sleep.

It is not me

Usually it is not desirable to be "it" and, in this case, I am not it.

There is a sensitivity that tells me things I do not know and it tells me that my family is an example of a project that failed when all reason indicates it should have succeeded.

I was thinking about how it also appears that I favor my son, when I do not. He simply goes about things in a way that invokes a more pleasant response. I wish I could treat my daughter that way, but although they have the same parents, they are entitely different children and have developed unique manerisms.

I was thinking how if almost any other family had been treated in a similar way, a different response would indicate success, but our family was a failure. Ugh! I hate that. I am trying to figure out what I could do differently. That was the point where I realized it was not me.

Ok, your mind does not work like mine, making it hard to explain what I was thinking, but here goes:

The bishop (our local church leader like a pastor or such) attempted to speak to my husband and I, and this is an example of why we are so uncommon. He asked Nick to look at me. A simple thing, but nick refused. Then he got frustrated and told nick, "No. That was not a euphemism, actually, look at your wife." Still he refused. I do not think this is common behavior but, the bishop just continued with his intended talk by commenting how fortunate he was to have such a beautiful wife and adoring children. I think the idea was to encourage him not to take such blessings for granted, but he obviously does.  But, if we are blessings. Why can't he just be cursed then? That was a terrible thing to say,  sorry. I do not wish him ill, I just wish him to consider for a moment that he is not entitled to the things he has and that if he does not move with the moving train, he will not be able to keep up, but be dragged underneath. He acts like some great thing is going to happen to him, but I suspect it will be more of a terrible thing unless he changes.

When I was married the first time, my husband had vices, but he was starting so much above the state that Nick is currently in terms of how he respects, and even how he loves those around him.

Back to my kids. If I ask Joseph to do a thing then he instantly does it, and when I do a thing for him, he says things like, "I will remember your kindness." Whereas Mary says, "Go do this for me because I want it, now" and if I say no she claims I am evil and I did it for Joseph so I ought to do it for her, immediately!

Likewise, when I understand a thing is expected of me, I put my effort to trying to figure out how to do it. There are almost too many things to count that Nick is asked to do but he claims it is impossible, urrr! Now, who would get the answer?

I love both of my children the same and dearly. Heavenly Father loves Nick dearly, but, the fact of the matter is that he does not do the things to deserve the reward. I am talking about simple cause and effect.

Oh, I never made a significant point that I started about my exhusband. Sure, there were problems, but I still do not know what they were and it makes me paranoid that I am the cause of failure around me. But, when we got married, my husband made huge efforts to be a better man and was extremely content with the idea of being together forever. Nick was reluctant from the start. I suggested marriage which he nonchalantly agreed to, then he claimed to my OB GYN nurse that Mary was not "planned" and that I attacked him. Huh? I had to explain it away because the doctor was worried about our home. Regardless, he never made any improvement, or stated any intentions of being together forever.

I just am a mess trying to figure out what is wrong because the church is teaching true principles and accordingly we should be prospering and seeing what is closer to our potential.

And the bottom line is I am getting old and ugly, so unless someone loves me for my mind, Hope is fading. Perhaps, because of poor choices, I will die unloved. I need to learn to deal with that.