little boys

Both of my sons are amazing people, to divulge a little secret, I sometimes believe that they will both become mighty prophets, like the ones that John mentions in the book of Revelation. That always makes me think of Lucy Mack-Smith who is quoted as having said that there was nothing unusual or noteworthy about Joseph Smith's childhood. I have marveled because surely he did or said things that belied such a magnificent character. This morning I realized one additional thing I had not considered and that was the fact that her eldest son was Alvin and she also would have considered things that most would think were amazing as usual when I started to consider the other boys in that family.

I attended a silent auction for the Christmas Box house where a teen in foster care was talking about life and they said that both parents were in prison and growing up, they merely believed that was just something common to all parents. They had no idea that life could even been different... new thought: Studying Aurora Lee,  our teacher told us that if we had been born into captivity we would never anything else, and a caged bird 🐦  only gets power from imagining something else and believing it, and I thought that was the same thing Joseph Smith taught in the school of the prophets as recorded in the book lectures on faith. In my current musings it is easy to see why Joseph Smith, the American Prophet's mother did not notice anything extraordinary about his childhood. She also noted that their family was likely seen as peculiar.

found an idea to study out

But, I really don't have the time right now. I am sure a time will come a force my nose into books cause I will need to know. 

So, the apostle Paul knew that there would be a falling away, ok. Then, I wonder why the apostle John would ask to stay until Christ returns to preach the Gospel. I only mildly wonder about things I heard taught before.  Time to study it all out on my own. And I need to understand the dynamics a bit better, if John asked to stay on earth until a second coming then he knew that Jesus would die, maybe he had already died at the point, but what purpose would he have for wanting to stay alive to bring more souls if Jesus was going away himself. I suspect I will find that it has to do with why he is called beloved, and writes so much about love. I guess he understands so much and is overflowing with love. But, my mind questions if all of this love is for the gospel plan and not merely Jesus cause he did not ask to stay with Jesus and help him, when I am supposing that he could trust that whatever Jesus would be returning from would be the best thing to do....lots of questions here. And why does he ask privately? Is that really what he asked or is this just a paraphrase that I had just always assumed...again, many questions of which I really need to read and study.

LOTR stuff

I think that the reason I suffer from ADHD symptoms like needing new stimuli is because what I am doing is so boring. It is like eating tons of staw when you're a starving goat, so that you are full when someone arrives to feed you hay, and you end up starving to death.

So, a spot was barren in my brain, so I started assigning races to nationalities, consciously,  cause I actually already had without thinking about it, so I was sort of just mentally saying it out loud in public (though no lips were used) I suppose other terminology would have referred to what I was doing was airing out my thoughts. So, I was listening to music and crocheting a Christmas afghan. 

Here is what I assigned:

Elf - Scandinavians

Dwarfs - Scottish and Welsh 

Hobbits - English

Rohanians - German

Gandorian - French (southern) or Itallians (thinking of Celts and Romans)

But, maybe the Roman's should go with the Greek as the wizards...then again, maybe druids ought to be called wizards..... just thinking this stuff on the fly not any focus assigned to it or anything.

crap! (kukur)

A I reviewed a previous post I realized how truly weak I am. I said that I deleted all of my games and ways to make money, but I am doing them again. I freaked out at the financial burden of children's birthdays and Christmas, and then I read what I had called my most spiritual event. Well, if it was, I did not exercise much faith. Last night though, my daughter was mentioning how miraculous all of the events of my stories were, but none were at all embellished. She noted that things like seem common to me are unusually lucky for most people. It was then I remembered so many other things, that I ne er speak about, because I was sort of told they were only for me, and I did not want to entrust such happenings to someone else's scrutiny or criticism. I knew for a fact that they happened, and I can see plainly how many times I have been inexplicably rescued. Two of my most obvious were when I needed dentures and when I fell down the stairs entirely unharmed though many other items needed to be discarded due to damage, not to mention the fact that I am walking and breathing when my doctors explained that it was extremely unlikely that I would live, but certainly never be able to walk again. It was so phenomenal at the time that the doctors who worked on me in the hospital requested that I return and show them, and my personal pyschologist/neurologist/therapist asked for permission to publish a story about me. I knew that it was a big deal, but like 9/11 it has sort of faded in significance. But, as I was thinking about things that are "me" and those that are done to "me", I realized that though my will had not been changed, my trajectory had been altered by inabilities, so, I thought, hmmmm, maybe that means because I struggle with Icelandic, but still Excel at other languages, maybe that is intentional sort of for my good. Well, what can I determine from that sort of thought? Well, I still love Icelandic and will never abandon it, maybe because it is something more a part of me than I realize. Honestly, do we even need to realize who we are to become who we are?

I think I am going to withdraw the money I have made for Christmas gifts qnd then delete my games a new because it is rett. 😉

belong

It is Halloween, yippee! I still do not feel like I live here. It sort of feels like a dream or like I am living here while I visit my parents. I am considering getting some chickens to raise, or maybe guineas or ducks, it remains to be seen. I feel like that might ground me a bit.

    Honestly, I think it is because I am neither sealed to these people or have had this home blessed, and because those things have not been seen to they must not be seen as important. I have repeatedly expressed my desire to have our home blessed, but nothing has happened. I figure it is like all of the other promises, or rather they seemed like promises to me, like repainting the porch and replacing the door ( both were supposed to have been done before we move in ). Nick has also said that he was going to make our garage a "man cave" in September. Tomorrow is November and no steps have been taken. As I type this here, I begin to understand my thoughts and feelings a bit more clearly, and it makes sense why I do not feel like I belong.

black holes

I got to thinking, and realized brilliant thoughts are more likely when in a warm bath dye to an increase of blood flow, thus o2 to the brain, so where is my great thought? 

Instead, I realized that my parents still are and will likely always be slightly better than me, even when they get old, they are more fit and talented than me. When my parents were my age they always out performed me, which is fine...I have kids, only trouble is my kids are much better than me as well, already. So, my parents are amazing, my siblings are almost perfect, my kids out score everyone so that they are nearly off the charts most of the time, I attribute that to their father who is also incredibly intelligent and able and likely the reason, I can never seem to put my finger on why staying youthful and thin is important to me... but what I realized was that I was a huge zero. I am a black hole. Realizing everyone else's greatness should prove to me that I am awesome, too, but it only makes me feel like a total failure, until I realized that I was a black hole and no one really knows what is going on there..... but every family, eh universe has one, a massive one... all I can say is that there needs to be an opposition in all things, so it us because I am so mediocre that makes everyone else seem so wonderful.....got a movie scene in my head (  https://youtu.be/H5lZ4czTR4o?si=8lzEV95D4sdlJzmx )

it is always insignificant instructions?

I get caught in frustrating loops, and one such just happened. It was in a sentence that could be described a peripheral. A man was talking about how from our early days we begin molding who we are, and who we are never naturally is who we need to be. They was the point, and it was a subpoint to a larger lecture point. But, in his lecture he said that his mother told him not to eat with his hands. This disturbed me, because in my mind one cannot possibly eat without using your hands, and then I would fail to see the larger more important picture. This happens quite often to me, like in Kindergarten, a teacher scolded me for improperly coloring in the lines, she told me that I ought not leave white places within my pictures when coloring. Only now do I understand her criticism. It effected me for years. I went on to be scolded for using too much crayon and scribbling too darkly, but I tried to protest that no matter how hard I scribbled there was some white that would show through. It must be caused by cheap crayons. And more recently, yet long ago, a psychologist gave me a sheet of paper and asked me to fold it in half, so I did, but he stopped the assessment right then because I had not followed his directions and that was a larger issue that needed to be addressed. I had folded the paper in half lengthwise. I was not trying yo be difficult or different, though that was what he claimed my issue was, when I went in hopes to find a way to reactivate dormant parts of my brain causing my hemiparalysis. I had reclaimed my sight, through working on my visual cortex, so I hoped that working on using my entire brain, I could recover all that had been lost. He was first assessing what damage had been done, and years later I observed a test frequently given to stroke victims to aid in recovery after the incident. I believe that is what my Doctor/therapist would have accomplished if I had not messed up.

Most significant, personal event

Tonight, I made a choice to live as I was born and believe 100% in things I cannot understand. This was manifest in a very simple, to most, action of deleting once and for all the money-making (time/life- wasting) applications from my phone. The reason this was so hard for me is the same thing I see in struggles of people recorded since the beginning of time, relinquishing the one way we see of accomplishing a desire. 

One of the best examples of this is in the Bible story of Sarah and Abraham. Sarah was a smart cookie, her husband had been promised a thing,  but instead of just trusting that God would prepare a way for them, she figured out a way to accomplish this and put her ideas into action  now, I will not argue what I couldn't possibly understand, but in my situation it seems like it was forwarding God's purposes and a good thing, but ultimately it was her idea, instead of praying and trusting, Sarah got busy figuring out how to make things happen. It is like Peter when he started to drown when trying to walk on the water ( a thing he totally could do ). It is a matter of believing that God can actually do what he says he can. It is only natural for us to doubt. But, in my situation, time and again, it has been proven to me that God is able to , by miracles if needed, do his own will. My job is to help the rising generation, ok, well, I cannot do much of anything without the finances. It has always been in the back of my mind that I am often overlooked for opportunities to serve because I am a slave to money,  and one cannot serve God if they are struggling to just stay alive. So, deleting all of my accounts is something I had wanted to do for a very long time,  but I doubted having any financial security unless I was making it happen.

Now, I am thinking of how it seems counter-intuitive for a skilled athlete to not participate in a career essential event because it is on the Sabbath. Now, it does not even matter what day it truly is or isn't.  The concept here is that a person must willfully decide that honoring a commandment will bless them more that seeking the accolades of accomplishment that comes with this event. But, time and time again, that has been proven. A God who asks people to do a thing will always make it more worth our while, than anything effect that we may be striving for.

Plainly, I felt like I should delete my one sure way of making an income (like selling my van) which is actually like a thousand other choices that I have finally made, though hard to do. I do not know what will happen and that should stress me, but to the contrary, I am at peace because it was what was the right thing to do (eternally speaking). It makes me more reliant on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Those evil Roman overlords will not be over thrown by this dude ( or action ), but following him will be possible... oh, one more very significant thing that occurred to me tonight was from a video that blah, blah, blah said that such and such would enable us to be taken home to our father in Heaven, and instantly it reminded me of the parable of the Lost sheep which was not persuaded to rejoin the flock, nor forced against it's will, but it was lovingly carried back to where it belonged. 

thinking

This is just a brain dump so that I will not need to remember, and yet I do not have time to fully understand yet...

I know that it is rarely mentioned in the scriptures,  but if men become so gluttonous it ruins their body, when they are resurrected they will have a perfect body. I know that we are taught ways to eat and live so that our spirit might be pleased with its Tabernacle of clay. Also, I have been taught that the body was a gift from God, and with our spirit combined we can become a soul more completely like Him.... ok, lots to think about, how it becomes one of our greatest tests to earn having a chance to have this body and progress forever. One such example is fasting, and demonstrating our spiritual strength to lead our body and sanctify it so that we might have a comforter. Ok, but, that is all about this life, suppose we are resurrected. Well, what purpose would eating serve? Or fasting? It reminds me of a scene from the New Testament where the disciples of Jesus ask they do not need to fast, and he explains that he is already with them. I have been taught about three degrees of Glory in the afterlife, the one called the Celestial (Sun) is in the presence of God. But, whenever anyone mentions seeing the dwelling place of God it is a place where tons of people are praising and bowing to him... and everything  is perfectly organized (God cannot bear anything unperfect). Lots to think about... my philosophy teacher asked if classmates believed that "Mormons" would go to Hell. They did. Then, he asked if they would be happy in Heaven. Then he wanted to know details, like would they be able to remember anything from this lifetime, or would just be like angels or with their loved ones. Then he added, unfortunately, none of you will be able to remember Melissa cause she is a "Mormon". They explained that they would. But, he shook his head no and told them, it doesn't seem possible. Because they said they would feel so incredibly happy. And how could they be happy when they thought that I was in Hell. Anyway.... back up... regarding families. We as members of the church  of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints believe in sealing ordinances, where relationships can be sealed not just til death, but forever. This is the same healing power that was granted to Elijah, the prophet. The other students are not sealed together, and yet, they all professed that they would be together in Heaven.

Then, the real thing that I still work through with no answer yet decades later, when asked who's wife a woman would be, Jesus explained that the askers did not understand marriage. Also, when talking about divorce he basically said it was wrong to divorce some in any situation, and Moses allowed it because the Children of Israel again demonstrated their inability to live higher laws.. I'm thinking he was saying it was a sort of "fence" law.

Going back even further, regarding resurrection and the effects of overeating  how does such a concept effect sexual laws like polygamy or promiscuity. It is considered a human need or desire to have sex, like eating,  see where I'm going with this? I have been biased to believe it was a law that you need to be married and only have children in marriage, and such desires would need to be overcome if a higher goal of a happy family and children were to be achieved. Also, we call God our father, so family must be pretty important eternally. Again, lots to think about, but not enough time. 

logi

Just thought about that, and wanted to tell the story of Logi. For nearly any gift giving occasion I received dinosaurs. I also was mildly obsessed with Mozart, ok it was a full blown obsession. I named my huge collection of dinosaurs after Mozart and we (my collection and I) had big birthday parties each year for him. Turns out it is the same day my friend Jim Radford was born and my maternal grandmother and grandfather so they got married on that day, too. Ok, I think Mozart was actually born on the 27th, but it isn't as cool so, O always change it to the 26th... so, Logi? Well, I had a plastic allosaurus or maybe it was a brontosaurus. Anyhow, I named it Alloysia after Alloysia Weber, and I decided to teach my baby sister all of their names, and she did quite well, only she called Alloysia Logi and it stuck. So, I had a cute little green, plastic dinosaur named Logi. But, my real fun was I took the hem out of an old skirt and it was nylon (like fishing line). I tied it around Logi's neck and the other end around my foot and walk around waiting for someone to notice. When they did I started running away scared and it looked like the dinosaur was chasing me. It was great fun!

music is pure communication

As I usually do, I started playing piano, and it caused me to think alot about Beethoven, and how he correlated with me loosing my ability.. naturally, I always end up thinking about Job, and so I imagined a similar setting where it was decided that the Holy Ghost would have to come to earth after Jesus left to provide comfort and communicate things... but as I considered my mother being unable to use the sense of smell I imagined it being decided that it was not fair for me to have such a sense, let alone that would mean the Holy Ghost, thus God, would groom who I became in body, because our thoughts and feelings make up so much of us. Anyhow, my number one talent was thT frequency of communication, so like Beethoven loosing his ability to hear would not abandon music, though I would not be thus influenced, but choose on my own to do the very same things that I would be told anyhow, which is alot like Job still praising God, which was the thing it was hoped that he would not do, because he only did it because he was blessed. So, one thought led to another and I concluded that although I could not do the physical act of performing music as I did previously, I would still choose music to communicate because there is far more being communicated than just the technical prowess... it makes me think of Wagner's idea of Gesamkunstwerk. That takes the composition beyond opera or movie, that added to visual sense to the auditory, but have a creation that is entirely subversive, like a theater in 3D with Rumble seats, and scents, like the ride "Soarin'" at Disney theme park, I was sure I was getting choked up by the dust that the Elephants shot out of their trunks. And I could sort of smell changes of the Earth as we flew over it, or feel the warmth of the sparks from the fireworks as we flew over Disney at the end. 

Anyway, I always have this inner dialogue with myself when I play "Moonlight Sonata" that somehow Beethoven must have known what I needed and he wrote it specifically for me... ah hah! Today I connected the dots as I rembered a blanket Ben Wilkinson had that said something like Beethoven was the heart of God. Then I thought. Well, duh, people all consent to this idea of "muses". It is alot like the way Beserkers get worked up before a battle by being inspired by something... artists claim to need to be inspired by something to compose good music [why do ye call me GOOD. There is none who is GOOD but father in Heaven] This spirit is called Odin by berserker and providence or muse by artists, same thing.

So. I am not crazy to think that sonata was written for me. Further, my dad used to 

say that music performance will never be replaced by recording or robots because there is more to it than the notes. Likewise, Amy Cropped recently mentioned that sire technical prowess is nice (especially in the pursuit of perfection) but, even if someone masterfully performs the outward feats, if they do not mean it, then the performance will not be successful.

There IS more to music than we hear. Music communicates beyond the lyrics it might use occasionally. It is that part of music that makes people close their eyes (like squinting to see something better).

diversity of inheritance

I am free today to do as I please, because I stayed awake from 1:30 to 6:30 doing all the things I needed to accomplish for the day. So, I find I am spending alot of my time writing blog posts. This is not what I would answer if asked what I would spend my daughter doing if I could do anything, yet, here I am.

As I was pondering how incredibly diverse I am as far as inherited ethnicities go. I am Norwegian, Scottish, Irish, and German, and as I uncovered more I find that I am descended from many Dutch, and Native tribes. One such discovery today from a DNA match led me to Palmyra, NY. So, I thought. Ah hah! That's how I am related so closely to Joseph Smith, but instead I found early settlers were not from Englad, but Holland and Germany, and when they married into a tribe, I become a benefactor if all who proceeded them. So, out of curiosity I watched a video about these early natives, like those I found previously, they were Mohican, or specifically Algonquin. The one tribe in a video about a 1st person diary entry mentioned how they were beautiful, tall and fair people. Ofcourse, my first thought was that it was more of that funeral evidence, meaning, everyone is praised after they are dead no matter how terrible they were. But, as a teen someone said that the Irish people were taller, and more beautiful than other people's, that stuck, then it occurred to me that somehow I managed to strike the DNA jackpot. And I got the most beautiful traits from each ethnicity. My friend Matt's father upon meeting me the first time commented on my skin color. I recall because it was so extremely weird. I notice it at church with the florescent lighting how different my coloring is from others I see. One time I was embarrassed that I had too much makeup on and niw appeared as fair as everyone else. Another woman commented on what a pretty shade my skin was. Embarrassed I told her that was all makeup. 

But, It makes sense with the notion that these are the latter-days. Now, I have more options from which to create my person. I often note though that although my DNA must be mine (I used to think my results got mixed with someone else's) because I am definitely a child of my parents and sibling of my sister, yet they typical genetic distances recorded to indicate certain relationships are usually off by a few generations. Like I chose my DNA generations before I was born or something. Then it clicked, I probably used a hybrid of all the best parts and then altered a few to insure my body would be the loveliest. Trouble is, I think what was lovely to me then is not what is lovely to me now. But, it is still comforting to think that what I am is beautiful by some standard. Soon, both kids will be home, time to set out treats! Happy thinking!!!