I want to believe that if I pour my heart out that it will not be lost, so why not just use a book? Because I have seen in my life time how written records disappeared and even ink degrades, not to mention the,likelihood of such a record even being found much less read is very unprovable when written in a book. My writting is nearly illegible. Having done some work extracting names and dates from census records, I have come to believe that even the internet in all of it's potential for unreliability, it is much more reliable than any other options, also because it is dispersed. It was nice to think about on the tv program Torchwood when any and all reference to a word could be removed and those searching for it could hardly believe it because it would seem so implausible. In this situation actual paper and photograph, none of them digital, ended up being uncovered, through extreme searching.
So, I will pray it and speak of it here in a less obvious place, and I will.speak in metaphors. I get an allowance for food purchase which honestly feels,extravagant, but still I am so hungry. It is like I have an ample supply of sweet potatoes when I crave regular potatoes. One would say, well, heck learn to use what you've got. But, instead I even dream of creamy, cheesy mashed potatoes. The longing seems too silly to even mention and so I ignore it hoping by necessity it will go away. It doesn't. I try to focus on other things that I love hoping to fill my mind with so many great things that there will be no room to dream of potatoes.
But, it is useless. I cannot deny who I am and I want potatoes, not sweet potatoes, though the whole world tells me that sweet potatoes are better for you and they have more uses etc. None of that changes the fact that I need my potatoes and so no one will appreciate it, infact, they will consider it a sin especially when I already have everything they need. But, I do not have what I need.
What *is* wrong with me, indeed? I am a good sensible girl, why can't I just change this little part of who I am if it would make everything alright? Well, it is a lot like the genealogy I was working on yesterday.
I had everything I needed but a few specific dates so, I did an internet search and found an old text book that had been painstakingly typed out and put online. This text had all of the specifics I,needed, even the right names first and last, but the location was different. I wanted so badly to have found them and just be the one who found the missing information, but something said, are you sure about that? So, I called my mother and she verified 100% positively that the original dates were right and those people coincidentally had the same names, but it was not the ones I was seeking. So, though it would make better sense to just cite that book as my source and copy down the sure dates, these are dead people afterall, it is not like their blood will call out for vengeance just because I wrote down incorrect information. That is how I see myself in my situation. It makes more reasonable sense to change my diet to fit what I had it'nit like I have a food allergy or something serious, it is just a craving, like a tiny little voice saying "are you sure about that?" It would be easy to ignore that craving, but it would still be there.
My solution is to go find another life, one where regular potatoes are readily available to me.
