Ok, that's it!

I think I am going to do it, first I wanted to get my teeth fixed, but, oh well. I simply cannot bear life here anymore, but I must think of the kids, still if Brandall doesn't bring them, I suppose Joseph and Mary will be alright, better than alright, here.

Where I go and what I do doesn't really matter so much to me.

(Note:another note written in 2011 and published now)

problem solver

My problem is that I try to solve every tiny little consequence, when I do ot need to make but one choice, really, then, come what may. It's how I got this far. Besides,what fun would a problem solver have with no problems to solve?

Note: create a fiction world with a lot of problems where people use various methods to successfuly mcguyver thier way out of trouble.

October 2011

I started having the Arena dreams again. It is disturbing.

ooooohgah booooogah!

At various points I could have expressed opposite points of view in perfect honest sincerity as I felt the whole gamut today, you know how they say stuff? Well, they said something about the harder they fall and I understood that today, only backwards. I was so stinking mad that when something good happened it seemed like more of an opposite, you know like happy and sad or sick and healthy...

I hope the way I feel changes again because, at this point if it weren't for the kids I'd take off, come what may. That happens too often, but one of my friends helped me see it from a better perspective. I need to stick with things, but keeping eternal perspective helps me see that as long as I'm alive here I can restitute and fix things, it's like fixing my computer, sometime is gets so freaking messed up that though harder it is best to start over fresh, be it a clean install or in my recent case a new computer. One I had no reservation getting though Nick called it a dinosaur.

The baby really deserves my full attention, pardon me.

rant

Though the name of this blog is a bit oxymoronic, I feel private would be the best catogization of this type of thought. Because 1) if I type it out it is like complaining publically andit satisfies the need to "let it out" while 2) naming it private is like making a pact of secrecy with the reader, and I can freely say what I want with no regard to who may read this. Frankly, it is quite refreshing.

Ok,so what is on my mind that I don't think it would be appropriate to speak of out loud? Well, I wanted to comment on my husband's post about his mother. It really outraged me. He gives himself license because his mother died, boo hoo. I dare not comment such though because 1) it really wasn't spoken for conversation so respectfully I must offer silence and 2) he claims that was the reason his first marraige failed because she wasn't supportive while he endured his upheval. But, now I find myself sympathizing with her.

I wanted to explain that though cancer victims do seem to suffer, everyone dies and there are much worse things to endure. It's like he tries to say that wanting to live is better than other wants. Now, I've been taught that we are all equal, but more importantly that we are at different points in our life. I bet deaths are more of a trial for those who live they do more of the surviving. Death is more like moving, and we don't say our friends and family that move away are better than you in lieu of their departure.

Once again, I would never speak unless it was kind, but I still think things, hmmmm.

You are supposedly judged by your heart not your words, but to that end I say two things. I am ultimately trying to be considerate in my speech, and only speaking good might lead to doing only good. Secondly, I take this as a sort of a confession. Though, I learned in a stake leadership meeting once that people confess things to people to lessen their guilt and in the end the guilt remains unhandled by proper authorities.

ok, It's not really private, but I'm shot and I need to go get Joseph up and feed him, so this is easy enough to fit into such an allotted time

http://www.myspace.com/mdbabcock/blog/543821303 I wrote this yesterday. i actually feel bad cause I wrote an awesome post on here, but lost it. It is like loosing a valuable or something. makes me think of a movie: http://youtu.be/5q8bBAKNSA8

been on my mind

I need actually NEED to type about this to vent a bit:

I am first off upset that I am doing everything that has brought me success in the past but constantly fail. I do not feel upset though, just bewildered. It is almost like I put off a stay clear vibe, because I have been here for years now and still feel like I don't belong, naw it's not like that feeling, I do not belong. Even though I have done everything tha normally endears me to others/ I try to be friendly, yet I have no friends. I do not KNOW why. I speculate, that I have a built-in intimidation factor, kinda like a golfer's handicap.

Enough of that foolish thought though. Point is that I feel on the brink of something. I probably ought to be taking s very deep breath cause it's going to be a dooozy, so why am I so giddy? because I know how much my last set back did for me, though I'm not a masochist or anything. I'm nearly excited at the opportunity to grow again. I feel really blessed to have been chosen to suffer so much. I honestly cannot even fathom a more horrible experience than being disabled and divorced just as the economy crashes, but I am who I am today because of that, and for nearly the first time, I actually like me.

Now, where did my last post go? I wrote about my little fantasy.. ahhh! I know, I'll find it.

I'm actually suprised that the kids are still asleep. I wish I was, but if I go to bed I will feel groggy and not want to get up again, but I must. Nick has plans for us, and he tends to stay places very late. I am just too polite and thoughtful, if I said so, I could have what I want, but I just always put everyone else first. ok, I heard Joseph.