live out loud

ha ha ha, When I got home from the hospital I found an old letter/card frm Lauren, the jist ws to live out loud and t that time i was obsessed with Rascal Flatts. there is a song "I'm going to love you out loud", but really i\my sentiments ae more like those of Toad the wet sprocket "we wouldn't be that brave, I know." and really I'm a coward, I feel no less, but am not brave enough.

I remember a Christmas when I was a little girl. I ws going to my grandparents house to see all of my family who I knew well and loved, but when we got there I was extremely shy. Infact, that feeling was embedded in my mind for when I try to define shy. It does not make sense, and the feelings are there and not cheapened or lessened because I will not display them, but that day I wanted to go play with my cousins insantly, but I was shy.

I have had a constant struggle in my life between my heart and mind, but true peace can be achieved and I will have it!!! Until then, I will flirt with living out loud and being completely openand honest, but for now I only recognize my lack and inability to do wht I want. But I used to want to fy, lol, no to slur on my trombone when moving my slide in a wrong direction, but I wasn't able to, so I set the goal to do so.

an angry rant

I need to come up with a goal that will make me truly happy. Something with a long
time frame would be great, to give me little attainable milestones.

I just keep thinking about how happy I was married to Brandall contrasted to my
life now, and They repeated today that Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He
doesn't wnt me to just deal with it. Something has got to change and I know that I
have to be the one to change it.

The other thing that occurred to me is that I was after the wrong thing. I failed
to consider what matter most to me, even though my dad was pointing it cou
constantly that we give up what we need or matters most for what we want right now,
and that is what I did.Nick filled a of my immediate needs, but the things that I
relly wanted were only hoped for, but he never actuallybecame the man I was
counting on. Point is, I was unhappy with Brandall, and am unhappy now, but for
entirely different reasons.

I was not immediately happy with BRandal and foolishly wanted out, but now I have
someone who would do for me what Brandall wouldn't right then, bt maybe it was best
that I not have those things, now I am unable to have chilen, I am not sealed to
someone, urrr! I am going to go reread my Pat. Blessing before I decide anything, I
thnk that Heavenly Father knows that I will turn to it for his advice in such
times.

I have been made constantly aware how people value and recognize direction that
comes from an unexplained or unreasonable source called our heart, and really I
know what my heatrt says, but my mind will not agree yet.
To be true, I jotted this down last night and since then have rethought it alot. Kinda' ironic, but if I listened to my heart I would not post this.