My conclusion, today

I don't really even know why I bother summing things up for myself, but I do it, and lest I forget, here is my conclusion today:

My troubles stem from the fact that my husband doesn't know me or try to learn anything.

I struggle, like everyone, to present a calm appearance, like I can do everything, and yet, truth is, I am very disabled on top of getting older. I need to have tasks equal to what I can.do or else I get depressed, and I do not think this is uncommon.

I spend hours on facebook and writing crap here because I am dying to share thing but do not have anyone to tell. I am a radioactive atom, with an unstable outer energy level bound to cling to some element, you never find s Helium molecule by itself. It is just unnatural to exsist like this, so I quickly remarried, which ought to have done the trick, but, if dating was any indication, and were I mentally competent, I would have known it would not solve anything really. But, what do I know?

Well, actually, I'd like to tell you what I know, if anyone would listen.

Elmo's Potty Time

I put this under private because technically, I am not suppose to muse publically like this anymore, but we all remember back to my ABC diet how I can spin things so as to not ever really break a rule, in theory, but there was a section of that film, "Elmo's Potty Time" where listening to your body is taught as the key to success. So, I have thought a lot about what would make my misery a success. While I was pondering that I recalled an interview with Jodie Foster, where she explained that.she didn't have all of the learned technique that cohorts did and occasionally this made her feel insecure, but.everything that she needed to be successful was inside of her. This is a lot like a guy in a class at church when we were discussing how we knew that there had to be a Heavenly Father, he talked about nurture vs. Nature and cited a tiny seed that had all the direction,it needed inside of it to,be a tree, yet it needed a certain environment. The point was that.seeds don't necessarily look,like trees at all, but it will become a tree, God willing, ok that was intended humor.

My dad used to say, "I was as you are and you shall be as I am." Stupidly, I used to hope not. He did not mean that I would look like him. As much as I admire his greatness, it is the same thing/qualities that are somewhere inside me, my environments bring out different traits, but I can become like my parents.

My "body" is looking for some sort of outlet. I tried food, movies, a bubble bath, and more, but writting things here filled some sort of need, like scratching an itch.

I know that I must save some words for my prayers, and I will, but there are things that I will not pray about because I do know that our prayers are heard and our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. But, the things that might make me happy might hurt others a whole lot.

Absolutely top secret

And why would I say anything here if I have lived this long harboring an idea that could change the world without telling my family or closest friends. Exactly.
I want you to be aware that I have them. *hint* they might seep into everything I do or say. Only because I don't protect things that I know will,never be figured out. I could tell you stories based on the fundamental truths and you still would,never guess. But, that is not why I keep my secrets hidden. Everyone does that. It is because I have had to live in a way that made me a freak just to hide even who I am. And others try to spin webs in microcosm, and it merely amuses,me that they think they are soo crafty and yet they cannot comprehend. Like my son watching "Horton Hears a Who" or "Contact". Somethings are just,better for others that they are not comprehended. It is fantastic enough to think that some brilliant mastermind thought of a fun joke to play on humanity.

A friend of mine said that she usually picks up on foreshadowing so plot twists don't leave her as unsettled. My thought was, "Oh really?" and I toyed with the notion of explaining a couple of my secrets, but decided against it, sort of like I was going to type them out here to show myself how ridiculous I was, but I didn't. I already know how rediculous I would sound to a common man.

Everyone has a side like the moon that is never seen by anyone, people assume and extrapolate with what they do know to fill in the blanks.

How many blanks, uh secrets do you have?

I like to be an open book so that no one will seek to uncover anything else. Nothing to see here. I am still under the influence of a tv show I watched last night. It has been thought before when people made observations about fences, are they intended to keep out or keep in? Regardless, they will do both, as do walls around our hearts as I've heard it spoken.

Incase you are wondering the show was The Gates, I only watched the pilot and do not intend to watch more ad it doesn't fascinate me at all. I had to find out though the idea of a gated community has so much potential, like Tera Nova, with one way travel, in our world we like to think that we can always do over, no matter what we do.

Surely, something has to matter...
Adieu.