The AC

Supposedly, the ac on the van doesn't work, but I have used it with no trouble whatsoever.

The ac in our condo is not working, I just let Nick take care of it because I know that he is very self-centered and will be sure that he is taken care of, thus the kids and I are fine, although, I would like to take care of things many times... but, I think of how I have to let the kids do things even though I could do it better myself. I let them try and learn, so I let Nick try only he never tells me a thing so, in most cases, if he does a thing I learn absolutely nothing about it, one of many many reasons why I need to go to the temple and try to "re-center" as my GPS says when My map is a bit deviated and I would like to get back on track.  So
What if the AC needs attention, the kids are happy, extremely happy, Mary even told me she was having the best day of her life.

Something is lurking

I do not even know what to expect, but I expect something, and want to be preparing. Everytime I get a moment to use, I get this same feeling like it is getting closer. What is it? I am completely in the dark except for a knowledge that something is lurking.

I do have another experience to share, where I was at a low then, out of the blue a solution sort of unfolded without my intervention, or did it? I took action first, but was low because of supposed failure. Ok, let me tell the story. Wait, wait... the moral of the story ( and I tell you upfront so that you see it unfold as I did, though there are probably many ways to understand it) is that the best things happen in a way we do not expect, but is better than we planned or intended.

I had one thing on my mind, getting a car. I am not going to get started on the reason, suffice it to say it was important. It was so important I nearly put it before paying my tithing, etc. Nearly, but Thank Heaven (literally) that I didn't. I had been searching for weeks because I wanted to make a rational choice BEFORE I had the money burning a hole in my pocket. Patiently, I waited as funds started to add up, and I got excited as payday finally arrived and zi had the money to buy the car I had decided on, although technically, none felt like the exact right one, so what, huh? I needed a thing and had the means. So, we loaded the family up to go see the first car, we got stuck in a traffic jam, and I got a message that it sold. So, it was back to the other one, I told myself it was the one I really wanted anyway. It was a beautiful dodge caravan that tan fine, but had some cosmetic issues, but everytime I made arrangements to purchase it, situations changed. I was really getting an overwhelming feeling that I was purposefully being avoided. But, as the ride I was trying to arrange kept falling through, I was told that it was scheduled for being scrapped at the dump yard this morning. It was out of my control, I thought, hmmm, maybe it is difficult to see if I will endure as a measure of my sincere desire or something. I did want it, but ultimately had to resign myself to another failure, but I HAD to do something. So, I posted on my Church neighborhood's facebook page an inquiry and left it at that, but totally not desiring to even look anymore. Also, there was an issue of a lost bank card so I did not have access to a large ammount of money until a replacement card arrived anyway.
    I pittied myself a bit then tried to forget my disappointment in my dutties. Then, out of the blue, I got a txt message from a neighbor asking if I still was looking for a car. I was putting the kids to bed, but replied that I was actually. And believe it or not a very vehicle I saw newly parked by our house (someone had successfully got the exact new vehicle I wanted, it was a perfect silver dodge grand caravan). To shorten the story, the same vehicle I often admired, was being offered for sale. I bought it! Everything worked out perfectly!!

That story tells me that even if I have things planned out perfectly according to my plans, I will be happier with another plan, so if I am the planning sort, perhsps more prayer is in order to put my plan in a line with one that is obviously better. So, in this case, although I do not have a plan, per se, one is unfolding and I do not need to know what will happen, but I WANT to know and in quiet moments, like this. I face it fully. My conclusion is keeping doing what I have been taught is correct and pray if I want to know. Yet, recognize that knowing isn't going to change anything but my awareness. Hey, cool quote!

Exactly what you were looking for...

But, now that I said it, keep in mind, I will know that you read it, making rebuttal pointless. Many of these thoughts had been thought years ago in hopes of resolution. But, This is another proof that if you want something you must get it, no one has your interest in mind as well like I thought foolishly happened in marriage.

It isn't being skinnier that I want, it is the idea that people have the notion of someone who is in shape would not look like me.

When I was skinny, I was unhappy with myself and was only happy looking back. At the time, I considered myself wrong. I was not sure what, but I was not desirable. I thought that would change with having a family. If my husband adored me and I felt like I was of worth to him, I could forget about being ugly, but he has never even told me that he thought I was pretty. Infact, at times when I felt my worst, I found pornographic images and chats with "hot" girls online. Sure, I expect him to be human, and I forgave it, but it still feels terrible that all I wanted was to be acceptable and not in competition with anyone to look a certain way. It was, I will call that feeling when you wish you were dead, depression. I dealt with and moved beyond it. I had other issues to deal with that were far more soul crushing. My children were growing up with out me!!! And, I had permant issues from my brain infection that rendered me unable to do my favorite things. I figured it was intentional, like a chicken struggling so hard to break out of it's shell (referring to a newly hatched chick) nope. Unless, I gave up too soon and it is humanly possible to heal, Dr. Strange did... oh yeah, that's a movie, but it helped me see realize maybe what I was enduring was helpful damnation so that I might realize other neglected talents. So, I focus on developing them and only occassionally fret about my dwindling appearance - oh hey, just had a great idea about that!!! Ok, I'll tuck it away for later. Running, and piano maybe deserve another shot. Improvement is nearly impossible, not impossible. Where success was quick it is beyond slow, but not non existant. 

Too often, I give up cause my plan did not work instead of revising, but hey, isn't that what repentance is for? Sometimes, we have to choose between two goods where which is better is almost impossible to decide without deciding and experiencing the consequences. Sometimes a choice must be forgiven, look at Adam and Eve...

We believe that Man will be punished for his own sins, but that punishment can be mitigated through a Savior.

(Note: I found this on my phone, written, who knows when so, I published it on this date, but it was not written on this date)

Ups and downs

So, sometimes, I feel like I am headed upward or am at an apex, then I feel like I am plumetting or at an all-time low. This is normal, or usual, but I do not want to feel like I am justifying any behaviors because they simply are. I feel negative because I am failing to do as I feel like I should...another positive is sure to come where I realize that I was not doing as poorly as I imagined, yet, I could not ever feel depressed or discouraged if I did not have room for improvement.

This wishy washy tendency is cyclical, I have noticed, and duration of low is up to me just as expectations were, too.

I nudged my son today when the primary president told the kids how important it is to have quiet times to ponder things. THIS IS A WOMAN CALLED BY GOD TO INSTRUCT US and she sees that as important, and I agree. My kids chose a "quiet place" today, telling me it is important, uh, like I did not already have a quiet place. I explained that was why I het so angry when they interrupt my bathroom time cause the bathroom is my quiet place. The other is the temple. With the temples so close, I can go weekly to erase the world from my thoughts and refocus on what truly matters to me.
It is sad, but I question the things I think matter to me even though they are completely the conviction of my heart right now. I tell myself, "See if you still feel that way after some time spent in the temple." Today, an awesome thing was taught about service when we feel "down". We will never regret serving others! It will raise us to a high as well, so when we feel in the dumps start looking for a way to serve. I think that is another benefit to regular temple attendance, not only is it a quiet place, but it gives a rare opportunity for us to serve others in a dedperately needed way to genuinely become a hero in doing for others that which they could not do for themselves. In fact, just tonight, the prophet was reminding the youth of a duty to gather all Israel, and instantly, I thought of how I could help by searching out and performing ordinances in the temple,  not everyone can do it, but as I have the opportunity, I ought not waste it.

We tend to think of things in terms of consequences, and as such I know that there is a blessing directly ascribed to temple service, and I hope such blessings extend to those living. I really do not know what relationship I have, but I feel a serious obligation to love certain people. Is this natural and to be overcome or part or the covenant/promise keeping me? Still, I always think regardless what I may accomplish if I fail in this one regard, then my eternal being is at stake, though my obligation is not clear and likely not as one might assume... I am getting cryptic, like I always do when I try to speak of things without saying what they are.  I ought to close this entry and continue my thoughts in quiet reverie, I just tend to think better when I am typing it out and trying to communicate the feelings into words, whoch if they were for myself alone, I wouldn't bother doing. But, I have been asked to record things like this for some reason... so, I try.