Gradually, I am going to streamline so much that I will be forced to do all the things i have been too distracted to notice. I wonder if I will really dispose of my clothing or yarn. I am learning to value lasting things most, but yarn starts out simple and little, but could end up as a precious hierloom. Honestly, I would love to have to wear the same clothes cause I did not have anything else, sounds fun. The other day when he was yelling at me Nick said, "Well, why don't you just take all of your crap and leave?" And it made me realize as I thought about it. I could replace stuff, no problem, but not responsibilities or people. What I really noticed as I tried to think of what I truly value and need was that I do not even have anything really. I am 100 hundred percent literal, too. I moved out here with a suitcase, most of which was Christmas gifts or hand me down anyway. Then, I had not bought anything for myself since I moved her years ago. And Nick has never offered to share anythung either. He makes it perfectly clear that he owns everything and I own nothing. And he is right, I own very little, and what I do own, is was given to me, and I stash away things out of fear that I might need it for something someday. But, having a job makes me realize how much I really could or should have. Anyhow, I am going to use spring break for Spring purge, starting with my things, so as to not be unfair when I streamline the children's things.
I get side-tracked thinking how I had already decided what to do about my situation long ago, and sadly I cannot act because of Money. The very moment I realized that I was a slave to money I decided that I did not want to own things anyway. Only if they meet demands, like I would very much like a car, so that I can get a job and drive the kids to school if it rains. And I do not want to have to worry about how I look, so I want comfortable durable clothing, but not too much of it.
If money was not an option then I would leave right now, no I wouldn't because I do not work for money, but because I volunteered to help Kenzy, so my place is decided until school is out. Then I have been called to teach a group of primary children and that is IMPORTANT to me. I fear that I would be breaking a promise, and I would much rather find a way to salvage my relationship with Nick than repent and admit I was wrong. But, each te I try and decide to just give love a chance, I get an earfull of unpleasant reminders of how unhappy eternal life would be if we managed to accomplish exaltation anyway. I do love my children, though, and I genuinely love Brandall and think I will pray for him like Enos (all day and night) for his brethern. I already know that I do not want to be with him forever. But, now, I see how many wonderful things we truly did have, and although I found the things I was lacking, now I lack far more things now than I did then. Life must be a failure cause I learn so much from it. Now, it is sort of dialectical how I went from one extreme to it's opposite
