I have to apologize for even getting angry, but I do. Tonight it is about playing house.
On paper we are a perfect statistic. One boy, one girl, married parents, both share a religion, and actively seek to advance in it, but the truth that angered me almost too much is that though I am married on paper, it ends there. I am for all intents and such a single parent, and worse, I am not allowed to go find a means of supporting myself.
I am not allowed to drive his pos car that is in no way fit for a family. Which family clearly he does not want.
Tonight, I am moaning about how he asks to know what we want to do, but he clearly already has in mind what he wants to do and once in his car he never even speaks of let alone asks if we would like to come. And he agrees to do things reluctantly, after making it perfectly clear that he does not want to do it, and he makes it painfully clear that he does not want to spend a cent on anything that is not for himself, regardless how he gets the money. If he does not want to donate any financial effort into the family time or any interest would be nice.
Jesus Christ taught not to do good only to those who will in turn do good for you, but everyone regardless. Without my husband our whole family is penniless, so often we do without so he can have what he wants, and we constantly need things and likely I appear overly needy asking for baby wipes or sandwich bags, etc.
But, I almost feel unwanted by his total disinterest. For example, Mary Anne, my three year old asked if I thanked Dad for my Easter Dress. I got as cheaply as I could at a thrift store. And yes, I did SAY thank you, but I feel as much gratitude as thought went into buying it for me. I almost want to be mad, until I think of What Christ taught. I need to show appreciation no matter how a gift was given.
Lastly, I want two topics to be addressed. 1) the many ways one can feel like a single parent. 2) the ways to demonstrate your feelings in more than words. For example, the best gift my husband ever gave me was a time he went grocery shopping with his dad and I stayed in the car. He returned with a drink for me. It is not the gift or the cost, but the fact that he was thinking of me. Now, he tries to replicate it by getting me things I never even thought that I wanted. And when I ask for things he acts like he will but wants me to know full well that he doesn't want to... It is the biggest mistake of my life. Easter is a time where we truly accept the power of the atonement, but I am at a loss how it can help me start over, or even feel like I deserve to...
