What upsets me daily, pretty much

I just saw a very crude vide that made a great point that I want to remember. I started out being angry and jealous, basocally covetous. A beautiful looking person was talking about how social media causes depression because we compare, and it feels like everything we are is not good enough...

BUT

Then, she started talking about a thing people always say, but I never took to heart or understood why I ought to, or how such a thought could help, though others thought it would/should. The thought was that comparing isn't necessarily a depressing thing, and it does not require social media to realize that your crappy life is exactly what someone is praying for. You are living someone else's dream.

Ok, so, that issue was dealt with and solved. But, what really gets me is this: I refused assistance several times when it was offered to me, and if I could repent of things I would instead I need to keep living thus life constantly feeling sorry for it, cause I know it could have been so much better.

I traded sticking to my guns at home and eventually getting any and all assistance I needed just because I was too blinded by the notion of being self-sufficient. Basically, I couldn't be yet. But, instead of waiting, or the better word would be enduring, I left with Nick to try and achieve everything I wanted without help, but that was so stupid, because he gave the illusion of being a provider, but like Utah is actually a desert, he only supported us because he got government aide. Well, duh. I could have done that in the first place and avoided this terrible life. Too often, I converted my unhappiness with my situation to unhappiness with Utah. Cause it is easier to blame the place than the person.

And that is why I claim that he does not love me or our children because he has never ever even slightly inconvenienced himself for our sake. Infact, he quit his job and got unemployment because he did not want to be a "butt kisser". Then, when filing taxes he gets government money that was never actually earned and uses it for himself and then maybe some to pay to go to a family reunion or else claims that he cannot afford it (which is true, but if it is he had known for a very long time ahead of schedule and could have been prepared), anyhow, he claims that HE paid for our trip, and that sickens me. I could get loans and credit cards to afford such. I am avoiding any financial aide and have been since the very begining, that was my original solution, to get married and raise a family where I do not need government money to accomplish things, again, this is assuming my husband had a job sufgicient to provide, or at least some desire. I would have helped with finances, but have never been asked or included on it in even a fraction, unless it was to get food stamps or tax refunds. Then HE needed me so that he can get things for himself without working for them all the while claiming that he cannot afford the essentials for us.

Almost constantly, we have,in one miraculous way or another, been provided for when my husband refuses. I love a scene in a film where a woman has no option but to cross a river with her son on her back, and she remarks, "The Lord helps those who help themselves." She nearly dies, and then bears a testimony that it is a miracle that she and her son made it across the river. I bet she had several opportunities to find help before she absolutely needed it. But, it shows how much God loves us and is willing to rescue us even though it is our own fault we are in such a predictament.

Nothing to see here

I just wanted to make my thoughts known, but I lack someone to tell, so I am typing it. At work a woman bemoaned not having a husband to talk to, and I think that is maybe what the internet it for me because my husband is definately not someone I can speak to and I not only fear speaking openly to, but would not want to. I had the worst feeling in my life, maybe it was a warning, probably it was just a feeling. I had been without creative conversation in a very very long time and I asked him to write a story with me, but he not only thought it was a dumb idea, but refused to entertain the idea after I started a story about a bee living day to day in a hive... anyhow, this was before we got married, and honestly, I do not think he ever wanted to marry me, but he felt obligated, huge red flags for most because they are seeking love. I was never in love in the first place. I wanted a family. That was my goal and he was my way to achieve it, plus, he claimed to be of Mormon pioneer heritage so I figured if people were brainwashed, he would have been done so properly or adjacent or congruent to me.  But, he had only recently become active, and did not even choose to serve a mission, this bothered me, he williningly made very bad choices, but I believed in the ability of people to become regardless of what they were and I believed that he desired a life that fot mine. Ok, ok, so according to Hollywood and all the pop music and society in general it would be ill advised. So what? I am and have always been one who chooses for myself regardless what popular opinion dictates or suggests.

I have had very little to fall back on so it has forced me to focus on what I do want and do have instead of what I was missing out on.

I heard a really wise man speak about Marriage. I stumbled on it doing research for a primary lesson as I was wondering about translations and wanted to be master of a thing if I ever hoped to teach it, so this was an orthodox jewish rabbi, and his advice gave me a feeling like I was watching a scene from Fiddler on the Roof where the husband asks his wife if she loves him. The Rabbi said,

"Your husband is your husband, you find him and marry him.

You practically cannot avoid marrying your husband.

Marriage is not a union, but a reunion.

What kind of relationship are you going to have with him. Knowing what he is like is irrelevant."

Among many other things.

Then, this morning I was thinking, "Man, I wish I could talk to my husband!  I do not like the relationship I am in. I do it for the children. I wish that I had someone to talk to about this stuff (who was not biased). He is a very very good man, and the reason our relationship is so bad to non existant is because of issues that he fails to confront and deal with, and they, I cannot remember the word for it, butsort of withdrawls and shuns me. I have gotten tired of it and been forced to take care of most things by myself, as a result I see that I actually do not need to endure this. But, it is very important to maitain the facade for the children, but they are reaching an age where the relationship needs revision. He truly has been such an ideal helpmeet for me, especially in my primary class. We work well, in teaching children, together. And at the times when he actually attempted to deal with his issues things improve in the direction that was intended all along, this is simply a detour, right?

I NEED help though, so I turn to praying alot, and the answers I have gotten are to remain with my companion until I get home  and that I need to keep eternal perspective as choices are made.

Ok, so I am nearly willing to admit that I do not know how to prepare for an eternal life I am blinded by the misery I uneccessarily right now. But, some misery is acceptable and expected even, how I deal with it is of more consequence than what the issue is. So, all I could know is here and now. Ok. Well, then my children become my most important issue, so I need to do whatever I can to improve their existance.

This dictates I tell Nick that I would like to divorce him, but I really want what is best for the children, and trust honesty will always work for my best interest.

Then, I start to think about eternally living, and that I teach the necessity of being sealed in the Temple, and I was, but now, the one I am sealed to has left the church so, I will find myself alone eternally, potentially. I sort of think that I will not be alone, that is only a short time now, with my mortal perspective, it seems like a big deal but is not really. I am being like Mary and confusing wants with needs.

She was packing and emergency bag of SHOES! Where does she het this stuff, then both kids claimed toys were a necessity because without them, they would be bored. It is a real concern for them and may seem like a need. That is how I feel about things sometimes. It is probably just my perspective and will change.

Time to get the kids up and ready for church...