Wonder what it means

Brooksie, Mary, and I were all born with blondish hair and blue eyes. Mom used to say I was all-american. I thought, Arian, but my hair darkened as did theirs,  but why? It makes me think it couldve been a survival mechanism, but I wonder if I am not now what I will be.

David Blaine for president

Things are not how they appear, the recent Election taught me that. Politians used to appear pleasing to constituents, but often they were not and so the next trick was to discover what an official was trying to hide and expose it then they would not be elected, right? So, it is not even stragtegy to hide things that one wants to be found out to appease those who are seeking to hide what they really want to. Now, I think the best politician is the one who can entirely fool us into security because, face it, no one is going to fit what is expected.

It seems out of a more open society,  our officials grow either more bold or more comfortable in their "sins" so as to openly be so dishonest and outlandish that we might all scratch our heads and say, "The truth is stranger than fiction". So, isn't that what magic is?

Recently, I was tryingbto figure out how a divine right became a figure head,  do I might better understand how elections have devolved, but instead I am realizing they never did, elections and the whole French Revoltion that I believed in was just a good transition from faith to reason, neither seems promising. We simply elect the best entertainer to be our figure head, the power one truly wields in their power to appear strong and right, not be that, I think.

Ok, my daughter is nagging for a drink. That requires serious attention, not this silly rambling.

Immovable

On two points I remain unchanged after nearly 10 years of this.

1) the jets won't bother you, you hardly notice them after you've been here a while.

2)My husband should have married a Utah  girl.

The jets do bother me and have not changed in the slightest on the annoyance scale, maybe nothing has I certainly do not feel at home here, although I should. The people are great! And exactly what I would order if I could think out and plan what sort of people I'd like to surround myself with.

I was taught that it is always a matter of perspective. The way you "see" things is the only thing that makes something wonderful vs terrible.

A list was made of things that are universally seen as aweful, and they were called struggles or trials. Then, we were asked to make a list of things that bring us joy, and the leader of the discussion suggested that we already had, it was just a matter of how we saw things. I want to use children as an example. Do I even need to explain deeper? On the surface one can see all of the struggles raising children brings,  but when asked what made people truly happy, I mean really, really, really happy. And instantly without thinking children and grandchildren were listed. And, honestly, they were the first thing to come to mind for me, too. It is immediately apparent that the things that bring the most joy are things we struggled to accomplish. Like it is written that her days were accomplished. Hah! Sounds like someone has reached her due date. But, amid the trial it can be a source of Happiness, too. We can focus on the end goal or see it as the path or means, but how we actually see an event or situation can make it seem a punishment or reward. Children are a great example. Being pregnant can seem like a struggle or ordeal, or it can seem like a joyous blessing.

Ok, enough about that.

Maybe even mentally impaired

It is very shortsighted for any girl to choose someone who cannot take her to the temple

-Harold B. Lee
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1979/10/the-importance-of-celestial-marriage?lang=eng

My mind was not to be convinced

Honestly, I do not know where I was going with this, but I assume it was a proud declaration of maturity that I have discovered in making up my mind and how to do it.

First off, I always refrained from judgement, because it seemed unkind or too hasty, but I see how growing up has happened to me physically, so I must close my mind and say "time to change is up".

It feels unchristlike, but really it has brought me so much pain and heart ache I would much rather make a choice and be wrong and repent that wait to make an ideal choice.

Actually, eternal happiness depends on it. It is the crux of all that is my responsibility. It is agency. If Eve had been like me, none of us would even be here, and she would forever be flip flopping seeing the good in either choice. *ALERT* There is always a good side to see or there would never be wars, but there are wars.

People say they can change and they can, but there is something to change from. The atonement can make men better I have no doubt of that. So, I now see that every person, eternally, has the potential to be perfect, duh. Why endure things that need not be endured because of potential?

Often, I am warned to see things eternally, which is nearly impossible in this life. We did have a previous existance and it is safe to conclude that the third of our Heavenly Father's children who did not make the correct choice initially, had the potential to be marvelous, and even Satan himself would have seemed to be such a promising pupil, so we are not even expected to delay judgement concerning some things, clearly, an adversary was needed, and if God sudpended his judgement because of what could be if one waited long enough, meaning waited for potential, all would have been lost.

I loved my first husband dearly, and could never have forseen his reaction to caring for me in my time of need. But, God sees things withoit time, and really, I was fortunate to see part of his carachter before anything terrible of eternal consequence happened to me. I was instead sort of given a chance to see the error of my choice, because I made one.

I am getting off track again...

The point is that I am so wishy washy because I am afraid to say "not good enough" when why the heck shouldn't I?  Just because I realize a thing isn't good enough for me does not mean they are deemed not good enough in general. It only means that I have a goal and am figuring out what I need to reach it.

Jonah

Sure, I grew up with story about a guy  to hide from God and ended up dwallowed hy a whale. But. Niw, I am looking at a man who knew what God wanted. And he felt ashamed because He choose

When hope becomes a dream

Hope is such a powerful thing. It keeps me ticking when everything else sides against me, then again, maybe it doesn't. See? That is how tricky hope is. I believe the things I hear alot.  Like right now, Everything ought to be miserable by almost any standard, but I am creating a bit of conflict because it is gone. I trying to decide a choice that, by any reasonable standard  does and could not exist. But, I had a dream

I fell asleep and have no idea what I was saying.

I only felt the need that I still do to express my hopeful nature although it makes no sense to have hope at all, in fact situation ought to have taught me not to trust impressions, but although I could not know enough, I want a thing that I feel certain my dad would warn me that wanting isn't needing. But, I get them confused alot, but this time is helping me overcome. I see it alot like a thing my sister calls retail therapy.

I remember a time I felt 100 percent sure my entire life hinged on getting a cd burner, but after I got it, and created a few cds nothing happened. I was confused because I was sure that it would alter my life, or that maybe after selling a hundred cds I would be heard and appreciated, but nothing happened. But, also Bill Clintin was elected, so I just figured the majority wasn't worth impressing anyway. I decided to look for something else to invest myself in...

It didn't work!

I am so happy because I broke my jail walls tonight. It is like a runner when they hit a wall. It was likely more memtal than anything else, but I could just not continue forward because the very thing that had fueled my actions ceased to be a trouble, but I was reminded that this had been the case many times before and it is likely that it would be again, after a single hopeful event things would continue as they stagnantly had, and I would be miserable. One of the greatest evolution of man towards becoming Godlike is his ability of pattern recognition. I do not need to remake a mistake to know that it would be a mistake. I tend towards forgiveness. My son knows this and so he cries kniwing that I have a very soft spot and cannot endure tears so like the song, "my arms reach out in love I cannot deny."

I am just too happy right now that the fact that my husband did something good is not going to even effect my happiness. Sure, it makes me happy that he is doing the right thing, but like was said in conference yeaterday, it is someone's decision to change not ours, and although he claims to want to be all of the things he is not, I am not a good option for him. It used to be enough that he was not openly opposed to me doing things. but, we were on equal footing at one time. I forgave, but he choice to wallow in his past and blame it instead of even trying to believe and improve, which is the purpose of the atonement anyway.

In conclusion, I feel so incredibly happy! I want to shout out, cause I know by a strange means that prayers were heard and answered and I had far too many reasons to doubt, but I just kept on keeping on, mostly because I wanted to believe,, and now I do. My tears are just a memory,. It feels like I am exiting a tunnel and the view is so beautiful, I almost am happy for the tunnel so that I can appreciate what everyone else seems to take for granted.

Honestly...

What good does it do to be pretty? I cannot see anything once you attracted a desirable mate. Still, we want it so badly, but I wonder if we would want it or care if we were really content.

I was thinking about how unattractive it is to be beautiful to look on, but in constant need of reassurance.

I do not pray to appear attractive, but to be attractive. I want to not worry about how I appear at any given time, but how I feel. I look in the mirror because I want validation.  But, it is slowly fading, all of my attractiveness, that is. Or at least how I look, I hope to only increase in desriable qualities as I grow older.

Beyond depression

It was clear that there is a great truth hidden in shark DNA and skeletal remains, but that does not matter to me, nothing does, well, that's not true, entirely, and because a tiny fragment of hope remains, I continue. But, this is beyond depression. It is not at all chemical, it is not just mental nor emotional, but it is best seen in an episode of "Once Upon a Time" where Snow White touches a unicorn horn and sees her unborn child as an older girl who is going to kill her and Snow cried out, I am your mother! To which she captures the sentiment exactly and replies, "It doesn't matter." or something that means that it does not hold the importance it should.

I just do not want to try anymore. My strength just doesn't matter, I do not care to try, though I should. It has been called drpression, but this is not that. It is beyond depression.

I understand

I understand something that has long troubled me, but I hope you don't.

I cannot even suggest it to your thoughts, lest you grasp it and I be considered a divulger of this great secret.

Consider it, a conspiracy and I a casualty.

I, for myself, find peace and wish the same for anyone else who has wondered why God said knowing would cause death.

Not worth it

Whatever I thought was worth it, anyone could plainly see it is not at all a good trade. It is not worth what I am and even slready have given.

A musing

I wonder if we even have the ability to comprehend who we were. I was writing a crazy story sort of like Screwtape Letters where instead of giving up all the stops were pulled and a way was figured out to bribe so to speak, this one, single, insiginificant person into the cause, because it was pivitol, she would not defect for any of the usual empty promises. So, special attention was given which would surely overwhelm.

As I was considering how it could be used to get the head devil consumed with trying to win over this person, it occurred to me that I thought it would. I did not think so many people or situations could be looked after at the same time. But, then I realized it was so mortal and human of me to apply my limitations on others.

As a Latter-day Saint, I believe that Lucifer or the Devil is a fallen angel, so we talk of a first estate or council in heaven where we existed before we were born, and then I do believe that we were caused to forget who we were as a sort of rite of passage to gaining a body and part of that was a covenant or promise to use that gift (a body) as a means to obey or subject our will to our father's. So, it makes sense, almost comon, that we would forget in order to get a body and accept the terms of forgetting things we knew so we would live by faith.

Ok, but Satan and a large number did not agree to have bodies, so, how were they punished, anyway? If Lucifer was so wonderful and wise to us then: it is not likely being incredible has diminished. He would not be limited as we are, but more like a God and able to do so much of what would seem like magic to us and our finite lives. This is how I imagine that he could personally oversee someone and not be overwhelmed by the volume of other information/situations necessary to wage a war on many fronts simultaneously.

We often say that God loves us individually, and I believe it, but it seems impossible. My thought  was that parents always seem to do things that seem impossible. But further, I wonder how much of what God does is just who He is. I mean, who is He?

We know that he has a body like ours, and further that we hoped to be like him by getting a body, too. I watch SGA alot and advanced humans always seek "ascension" which is described as existing in pure energy form. It is funny though, that although they seem all powerful and such, they always seek for a body. They even try to make bodies to live in, cause computers did not function as well. At first, I thought well, wow, human bodies are the height of all things created and it gives me greater reverence for them. But, then I wondered, "well, what if it is just a thing that is familiar.", like a guy saying people existed for thousands of years without cell phones my first thought was yeah, they also lived without indoor plumbing, but try living without it after you grew up with it. I do not think I am
better (because I use toilet paper) than members of an undomesticated tribe somewhere. But, I am surely more limited because I am accustomed to it.

Who's side are you on anyway?

The fact that there are two sides disturbs me. It is my nature to only do what is right so, any other option regardless if it leads the same place is sort of not the point. I learned that in algebra when I got the correct answer but nearly failed because I got there a different way, seems the test is the method not the solution so often. So, maybe our plan was too perfect cause I feel entirely against the method I have learned.

Quiet (yet public) opinion

I needed something, so not knowing what it was I went searching to see what was being offered, and I found an opinion that needed rebuttal in it's misdirectedness.

In almost too many things I see it. Rules and laws assumed incorrectly, but they work until someone figures maybe an obvious, but unknown fact, that tosses a proverbial monkey wrench into a smoothly opperating machine. I use Stargate Atlantis too often, and apologize, but it is best demonstrated in an episode about a world where it is believed that the saftey of their way of life is,due to ritual suicide before a certain age, thereby keeping interest away from regarding their home as a place of interest from the universal plague of a deadly, life sucking species, named wraith. And although it does work, it is not the reason supposed. The suicide performing people are kept safe by a shielding device which cannot cover the whole area so the suicides were instated as population control so the species does not out grow their protection.

My, that was a long- winded introduction to my argument. But, for the reason that I do not want to make a public statement so much, (I see. Make a public statement that you do not want to make a public statement. Someone is lying.) so a long intro might make one quit reading... yeah, that was my intent all along. a long-winded diversion.

I was disgusted by a suggestion, although true, it was wrong, in the same way suicide is wrong, but it truly did do what it was intended to do, no question there. And it occurred to me that although a mind can be brilliant and alluring,  they can also be repulsive at the same time. And that was the thought I needed to break out of my deception, or as I refer to it, my delusion.

Like in SGA, it was only discovered by an outside selfish desire that was in no way intended to indentify the real problem. When, Rodney McKay stole the ZPM used to power the shield they started thinking about why the shield was even needed in the first place if the wraith were kept away because of the suicides. I stumbled upon the opinion I read this morning, because I am drawn like a moth to this great bonfire. I truly did not expect to even find anything anyway, but I started feeling those feelings of worthlessness and nothingness that I usually struggle with for a long time after. I liken it to being damaged by a flame, but returning to the fire. But, just as I was about to just go away and pity myself for my insignificance, I found this, and I forgot to be depressed because I was instead angry with myself for being allured by the light which was not what I had hoped for, or maybe it was.

I had just heard a song "Gravity" by Sara Barelies and was determined to escape gravity knowing it was going to need considerable effort, so Instead I gave in and fell back to the earth.

The opinion I read of gave me enough rocket fuel. "How could I love a mind that thinks like that, even if it is true?" It was the exact same thing as the idea of killing all of those who oppose you to achieve peace. Machiavellian.

"Not just wayward, not just bad. Not just all kinds of a cad. Not just faithless and untrue, but a...." I had the same notion when I could not decide which side was right or wrong on "the 100".

https://youtu.be/Hdt7CQ99zOs

Family history

I have been considering many things lately, and one thing has kept me awake in particular. I do not have pioneer ancestors like so many others, but I cannot stop thinking about how I share non LDS ancestry with so many pioneers it is insane.

My husband is one of those Decendants of pioneers, but I feel as much related because the same ancestry I have, if nature plays as big of role as nuture. The same blood lines responsible for creating the religious fervor and strength of the early church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints runs in my veins and I have not be culturally born into Mormonism as a way of life, to question and seek the truth is a key part of who I am and so when I was introduced to the church it made perfect sense, not because that is the way things were done, but because it seemed the way they ought to be done.

I used to lament the fact that my family was always in the exact locations at the right time for the restoration of the gospel and they even did form religions, or were very active in a given denomination, but none of my ancestors ever joined the church. This morning a quote was see and reflected upon "God has a way of making bad things good." Or some interpretation, that is the thought it generated. So, I wondered, if I recognise thatbas true, what supporting evidence do I have? Well, there it is. It seemed like a sad thing to not get to revel in pioneer day the same way others around me do, and that seems negative, but, I have something as significant to think about, by the gift of God, I know that I was formed out of the same sort of matter as formed all of the early prophets. This is a good thing. My situation did not change, but I am able to view it in a way that makes me happy. I think that is evidence of the truth I hoped was true.

Plus, it is as nobel to have heritage of significance in other religions, too. Because, we know that everyone is a child of God and they all need a way to draw near to him. In a class I learned that it doesn't matter as much how far along on a path you are,  but it does matter what direction you are headed. Most religions point people in the right direction.

Time travel

Warning, I am not going to try to make sense.

I wonder if maybe somebody is time traveling or maybe I got the dates wrong when I was telling somebody what dates to put after a trying time travel back in time and told them what to put.

what happened is some things that I put online we recorded as having been looked at and checked the next day when that day hadn't even arrived yet. Also the weirdest thing is that some records which were States Census records disagreeing with each other they had blatantly different names now how can a family change in 10 years well it can but there's no record before it be like what would have one guy's name married to and then have someone's name then you look at the next to send his record and it has all the same children the same husband but a different wife.  Now, how can I record ... I had been trusting records to always be correct but those were clearly not correct and I wondered how did they get that way I didn't look at the actual record I was just referencing the digital copy. Something was clearly wrong there and it upset me.

It was late and I was trying to think of what an explanation first thing I thought was timelines maybe it was actually the next day somewhere the next thing I thought was that I was a time traveler because I was just trying to verify information but obviously I didn't have adependable source. I couldn't remember exactly what day the right to type into the computer. I also forgot that there were multiple records of the same family and so when I changed the one record I forgot to change the others.

So I got it wrong. It was just a theory I had. I was tired and coming up with weird ideas anyway

That is all.

I have a hard time with this

I do not think I havecever admitted to anyone, but I do not imagine things. I cannot picture things that are not. Accordingly, there are things that seem like things one would imagine. So I pretend they are not real, but the pretending is becoming too hard. I pretend to be ignorant of things Iam not supposed to understand.... to me: please return after you rest...