Thought is stuck

I keep needing more input to move on, so I clean, nothing. I look up things that I wonder about, nothing. So I decide to play the radio game with the universe. What is the radio game? It will be explained, but the next thing I want to address is the time a friend gave me a Christmas present. Ok, the two parts have been established so now on to the next paragraph.

What is the radio game? The radio game is a fun game like reading a fortune cookie or a horoscope. It is completely random but you get to fill your time in trying to find meaning. It is played simply by choosing a radio station and before you listen, you accept that the next song is intended for you. I slightly twisted the game to be that the song would be my soundtrack for the day.

Remember when we used to make all if those mix tapes for people cause songs just say things better? It is the lyrics that really speak to us, with the aide of music they touch our heart. Well, never fail I end up with a classical song without lyrics. But, it suits me.

In college I was given a Christmas present/card that really made an impression. Cassandra was handing out her gifts which were cards with a hand drawn photo of the recipient. I was so anxious to see mine. The thought I had was, I wonder how she sees me. I opened it to find a photograph of a sunset.

A natural first thought would be, "She ran out of time so I am less likely to be hurt by not being included." But, I just thought it was so beautiful and the nicest thing anyone gave me ever. At that time, it was my sincere goal to radiate. I was so jealous of the sun. So, I was happy.

Now, what does that have to do with anything? Well, the message she wrote was to the effect that she tried and tried to draw me, but the only thing that came close was a sunset and her attempts to draw it were not successful, God had already done such a beautiful job, she just took a photo and felt satisfied and decided to just give me that. And I figure that is the same sort of disappointment that my song doesn't have lyrics again, when the thought I needed to record hit me. This is the part where we try to make meaning out of the thing. Maybe the music is the lyrics and the thing I am being told is too sacred for words.

I need to address this

I need to address this issue to get it off of my mind. Forgetting it, doesn't work. It is the same issue that lead to marrying Nick. I believe it is suppose to happen, but I sort of turned of any rational thought assuming such would never help me become who I ought to anyway. But, keeping my thoughts from me is not ever a good solution. As I started thinking again, I realized that I had betrayed myself. So, I needed to force my square peg into the find slot and make it fit. To do this I needed to remove anything that encouraged thoughts of a deeper connection, like most pop music and movies do.

But, regardless what I see or hear, I am still me and Iwill think thoughts that offend me, so I either need to embrace what is and stop pretending it is not there, and make honest mistakes instead of pretending to be a dishonest should be. Yes, Love and family should be central to my life, and that is why it is wrong.

There is so much I am thinking here that I won't type.

Confession?

I always looked down on the practice of confessing sins and the punishments seemed equally rediculous. But, now, as I mature I can see the sense in it.

At a stake leadership meeting in Nashville TN stake, the young woman leaders were warned not to try to substitute as a judge in Israel when listening to young women share their problems. The stake presidency explained that although it is a caring behavior, those who comitted the sin feel a false sense of relief and the pain of the sin does not bother them anymore and so they never confess to anyone who could truly help.

For years, I have beatten myself up over things I had done and opportunities I felt I ought to take, but didn't. Most importantly, and it troubles me still how I clearly knew that I was looked to to be an example and I behaved shamefully. As a teen, I also made almost too many teachers cry and drove people away from the church because they did not want to be anywhere near me.

Recently, in an interview, I was asked if there was a thing at all that was awry or needed to be resolved. And so I confessed and apologized for pirating movies and games for my children. I honestly promised that I would never do it again and know what? He believed me and said that I was entirely forgiven,and that I should do it no more. I feel like I was actually understood and wholely forgiven, and any time I am tempted I remember that I honestly was forgiven as if I never had done it, as long as I no longer do it.

So, in turmoil about these little things, I felt like No matter what good I did I would never be allowed back in Heavenly Father's presence unless I confessed to one able to forgive. Then, I read this today:

      When I found him that day at
      church, I said, “I just wanted to
      apologize for my terrible behavior
      in your class. You were always one.
     of my favorites, and I never paid.
     attention like I should.” He stopped.
     me right there and smiled. “Never.
     apologize for the things you did as.
     a teenager,” he said. “What you do.
     as a teenager is an important part.
     of growing up and becoming an.
     adult. You must do those things or.
     you will never become an.
     independent, mature person. There
      is no need to apologize.”

Now, I cannot say with 100% accuracy that this is true. And, The real drawback I see is we are failing to create proper morality by excusing punishment after accountability. But, it did make me feel better to know that offended others might have had such a view of me. A really wonderful friend has mentioned before if man is capable of such behavior, imagine what an all knowing and loving Father in Heaven does.

I have also heard a story where a boy is told to hammer a nail into a fence anytime he is displeased with his actions and then, anytime he is pleased with his ability to control his nature he may remove a nail.

When he finally removed the last nail that he had hammered and felt a great sense of accomplishment. He ran and told his parents. His mother congratulated him and hugged and kissed him in reward. His father asked him why there were so many holes in the fence if he was truly sorry.

Another woman found two quotes that to me spoke of the great love required to forgive, it seems the ultimate expression of love, to me.

That unruly teenager in me asks, "well, then maybe we all need to go do something really bad to someone if we ever hope to really love them."...see what I mean?

Please forgive that, any thought could produce an oposing view (a.k.a. playing the devil's advocate).

Not really a thing that ought to be said

Even if no one sees it now, eventually, everything written online will be perused by someone who matters. I have been warned.

I have so many thoughts, but lately they have been excitingly awesome. I think it might be because I realized a bit about me that increased my value.

But, as I was so what others call "full of myself" I almost couldn't contain it and worried about oozing uh, no, let's say sprinkling star dust every where I went. I thought, "maybe I should see the effect my heavenly body had on other large objects in orbit, then I realized something that instantly brought me back to the harsh reality. There is no other so, I ought to keep to myself. But! My husband. Yeah, about that. I really like the idea of him, but only need a moment in his prescence to have any good feelings removed and replaced with pure disdain.

Ahhhh, that feels so good to have said, and with that and love I had for him is gone just by contemplating him. Is this what I want forever?

Sorta unrelated, but someone pointed out how Satan got 1/3 of Heaven to follow him that would be 1/2 of all who did, do and ever will live on earth, by concealing what really is and only selling the good parts. Very interesting.

Am I literally insane?

When in the hospital doctors would always ask, "Do you hear voices or see entities that you think might not be there?" Which I always thought was an odd thing to ask, and I was not sure how to answer. I thought are they asking, "are you insane?". Ofcourse, I said no, but in my own way something like this, "I hear you and see you and the other you, but that is probably from the lesion in my visual cortex. I do not believe there are two of you." So much for seeing is believing. I suppose that "Those sounds could be imitated"(from "Dune"), too. So, voices could be imagined, or somehow incorrectly percieved.

This is not that, I think that I throwing, but I'm thrown, ha ha ha sorry, that was a Lisa Loeb linger. Linger? Cool song, too. Anyhow, I seriously wonder what I can trust. Just this morning I seriously thought to myself, "you have magical powers, it makes sense." Crazy, huh? Now, I am reminded of the begining of "The Tommorow People". It is not like that. I honestly believe that if you listen to a thing enough you will live it out, I was contemplating the songs I had turned biographical. And then I quickly reviewed song I drilled into my head that had not been lived out, looking for a prediction of the future.

I thought, "aha! Meet me in St. Louis" I hope I sang about being filthy rich, but as I reviewed the songs I wanted to occupy my hands, so I picked up my phone to turn the sound off, but ended up using Facebook and staring directly at a picture of a theater that announced on the marquee, "Meet Me in St. Louis". What is the probability? Did I do that? For a long time, I had suspected that I had done things that "somehow" happened. But, I figured that this other side of me was pretty stupid, and my text atleast could be my kids, or a virus that the stupid me allowed on the phone. I know everything I do is backed up on somethin somewhere, information cannot be trusted.

So, it will pass, but I am not fit to believe right now. No, I will not share that thought, suffice it, even if I was poised to gain a lot, what good is will if it cannot be decided, and trust can be given by example over time of obedience, not coercion.

Uuuurgh! Escape?

Ssssshhhhhh!

I do not want anyone to know that such a thought came out of my head, but it did and I want it to stay out. It is not welcome here anymore.

I created a great story about  great plan to thwart the current happiness of a couple of people who flung around as almost a brag at how happy they were and would always be, even having their memories of self removed, they could not be stopped because there would always be something there to remind them.... Ha ha ha, unintended moody blues, sorry. Such things just pop out sometimes.

Anyhow, this jealous other was like mcguyver indetermination to find a way to use what is meant for good as a tool to make them less happy.
     So, he determined to use escalated attraction and create a doctrine only partially true, enough to bring happiness, but not true happiness. The happy woman we will call her princess, figured out a plan to thwart that plan, but her prince left before she could tell him. She had to rely on justice.

I am tired. That was enough of my story to not loose it entirely, but not give it away wholely either.