Just for me

I know what you're thinking. He did pray for courage,  that is not typical, I don't think. Be scared, I don't mind, but be resolved. We are imagining in terms of infiniti, do you even get that, who wants to endure forever? Do it.

My train of thought crossed the bridge, now burn it!

It has taken thousands of little maturity points to arrive where I am, and I feel it would be a discredit of everything that has happened in my life up to this point if I did not simply burn that bridge. Doing that is so often pointed out as morally wrong, it is like leaving a saftey net is the proper thing to do, but I am thinking that this is one of those times when I should "walk without a net upon the wire."

Ok, I ought to say the situation in a "like this" way so that regardless of the particulars it can be situationally relevant. It is like this: One time I was walking on the stone cemetery wall at Shiloh National Battlefield. The wall is low at first, probably 2 ft high, and easy to climb on. Then, as one travels on the wall, the ground slopes in such a way that the wall grows increasingly higher. My balance was even more of an issue then as it is now. I was wobbly, and a friend shoved me down off the wall, to the grass outside of the cemetery. A little bit dazed and alot confused I looked sort of belwildered at him, and he said, "you were going to fall. I just got it over with. You're welcome."

The moral of the story is that although we might be confused or a bit bewildered about why or how things happen, especially when they seem like bad things, they are intended for our good.

I am facing that right now, the wall is pretty much too high, or the train has sped up too much so that jumping off unaided is no longer an option, though not impossible.

Ethical dilemma: If the train is moving so fast that you might be fatally injured if you jump off, but you are sure that the track does not take you where you want to go. What do you do?

It might be that could and would issue. It seems to me that potential is potential, what IS seems more significant....meaning, jumping may or may not cause fatal injury. Though, injury is certain. The fatalness of an injury is only potential, but if the train isn't going to lead you where you need to go, an injury might be a set back, but, worth it if it means accomplishing your purpose.

There is an episode of Stargate Atlantis that I love where a being is created to kill themselves and others. Practically all humans think this is terribly wrong. All life ought to be revered, for different reasons and dogmas. But, the creator of this being asks if it disturbs her to think of ceasing to exist. Her response is so wonderful. She says, "It is my purpose. It makes,me happy. Doesn't every life desire to fufill their purpose." (As I type it I think of Bhuda who was looking to end birth/death cycle and he, too would have been delighted to end, for real).

Weighty choices

A thought I do not wish to dwell on, but it is significant, and ought to find a record of such thoughts although, I have no idea what importance they may play at a later date.

At points that are most significant and ought to have been given as much seriousness and gravity as they deserve, I gave practically no thought what so ever.

I read in a pamphlet about hysterectomies that such a descision ought not be made hastily. It was regarding my body, but I practically had no concious thought even asked of me. It was a situation that I was not really even encouraged to be concious. It can be likened to the hospitalization and surgeries that were required to keep me alive, and then later I was sort of blamed for causing such debt. Really, it was not my choice to be alive at all anyway. If I was asked to consider and make a choice I likely would have not chosen to be kept alive. This is a similar situation as the one made to keep me alive, it meant that I would have no more children. I think I would choose to sacrifice a body part to stay alive, but I do not know and I do not plan on considering the choice fully at any point. Things just are as they are.

That is strangely the same situation with my marriage. I have always been taught that was the ab so lute most important thing a person does in this life, and that was why I backed out of so many engagements, and was quite old when I actually married a divorced man. It was because he seemed to understand the committment fully and even commented when directly asked if he knew that he was going to be stuck with me forever. He said that was his intent....but, then, he divorced me when I will disabled with 3 little children. Getting married was my instant solution to having a family. But, my little children did not like this new man. Uggh. And he did not even seem to want to marry me, it seemed more like I made him because that was why I was there anyway, at least, that seemed my motivation. Actually, I just wanted to start over completely instead of constantly trying to live up to the things expected of me before my brain infection.  I found myself in the fire, although I had jumped and escaped a fate I did not like in the kettle.

I was listening to articles about what marriage should be and I had never wven been proposed to or sealed, years later. It was always my intention, but I am starting to question if it is something I choose at all in the first place.