Story that crushed my spirit

I was 15 living in Georgia and my Grandparents were both visiting, probably on their trek to Florida or from there to Michigan. Anyway, my Grandma Babcock told a crazy story, that I loved, about how she had fooled Grandpa into marrying her by making him believe that she had a box of treasure buried somewhere. Grandpa clarified that he actually just loved her.

This was so sweet!

Naively, misunderstanding love as I was prone to at that age. I asked Grandma DeMott if she fell madly in love with Grandpa cause he was so handsome. She said, "No. I was much too resonable. I had many suitors but also I had expensive taste and he was a promising chemist and I realistically knew that he would be able to provide the life I needed." What awesome advice I might have received, but instead I only heard the unexpected "No." I thought marraige was based on love so it crushed me to hear her say that she had not been madly in love. Actually, now I think she may have been. They seemed so in love, and were heroes to me.

Frustrated!!!!

I was getting so extremely not patient. I want to stay in the bounds of what is right, but I often reach a point where I am so frustrated that I don't even care. I want to say, "well, it was nice waiting around with you, but I am not getting any younger and I am tired of waiting".

There is a living scripture cartoon called "Bread from Heaven." And in the begining a boy  wants to go do what is right, but got weary of waiting for some Savior. But, Ironically, that is who comes and sort of repurposes the boys life. I thought, wish I could do that, maybe there is a coping lesson in there for me. So, I reviewed it in my mind and thought, That's it! I need to find and follow the Savior, it seems like no one could help me and no one will even comprehend my trouble. Then, I thought, Hannah does and surely if she does then God does and he is mindful and will help me the best way I need. I believe that. My answer is to study my scriptures and pray seriously and intently. We were sent to earth as an opportunity to see what we desire. I desire God's plan of happiness and I always have, but I just cannot sustain the belief that this family is the center of happiness for me.

I seperated worlds in my mind today and decided that I had made not binding committment other than the one I made to Brandall. So, if I know that I do not want to be eternally with Nick - a new pararagrah for that thought. My choice is what do I choose as evidence of my disregard for the ways of the earth and men, but the way of God and eternity. I would rather suffer terrible torrments for the rest of mortality than live forever in misery.

My final conclusion was that I was still needed by the children, and, God knows and promises that no one will be denied eternal blessings if they are truly earned. I will be held resonsible for the care of these children. I do love them and they are precious beyond any other prize. I will not give my eternal life for them, but if I help them the best I can then I will be helped, too.

Yesterday, I realized how much I actually hate Nick. I didn't think I ever even could feel so terribly about anyone, but where much is given much is expected. At FHE, it was the last straw when he ignored us all and did his own thing. No good thing about his even comes close to making putting up with him forever worth it. Especially when it comes to things that are significant to me. I used to think that we wanted the same things and what makes us different is our pace not our direction, but, pace is what I am talking about. If he knows something is true. But doesn't do it. I suppose it is motivation and I Am not and do not care to be a motivation. He has his,agency and his choice is clearly not me. So, why peresist?

I don't get it

so people want to be skinny, but they want have fat, too but only some fat is acceptable. I see ads of women who are supposedly skinny, but I see tons of fat on their bodies, and anytime I get very thin and muscular I am not lighter, in fact I am much heavier. I feel healthy but, according to 'health' magazines I ought to have more fat on my body to look healthy. I just get frustrated and blame such frustration on genetics. I just am not one of those small fat people, but that is really what society claims is best. but, what s it even best for definitely not survival. If we are to assume evolution is survival of the fittest society is not choosing the same thing nature is. From my parents: dad says he prefers mom to be a bit heavier. when she gets too skinny, I think she looks great, but dad says that she looks like a boy. hmmm. well, don't boys like boys anyway? well, then my mom told me that she had read an article that recommended being slightly overweight and it was actually healthier and a sign of strength and endurance. interesting, huh? Well, I like to be very skinny, but it seems that despite all I do my body wants to take on it's own shape, so to make myself feel better I think well, to be prepared for any emergency of famine, it would be better to have a body that needs to consume less, and has enough stored up to feed myself incase I am forced to neglect. and my mom said, "we naturally gain an extra 5 pounds every ten years, and I weigh a good 15 lbs. less than I did in college anyway, and if I was really believing the promptings of he prophet to be prepared my body is naturally doing it's part. It would behoove me to follow suit with my home. before it s a necessity.

Eternal perspective

I wanted to explain my motivation, hah hah, now I sound like an actor, I meant that I realized the reason for my unexplained and misunderstood behavior is often a thing called eternal perspective.

Here is a tiny sample:

Sorry for that my battery was going to die. Hey, there is no need to apologize. This is not real time anyway...

I often sat watching my children playing in the bath tub. To keep myself entertained, I would bring my mobile device with me. Natrually, a voice nudged me, "why not take a picture? It lasts longer". The kids are always so adorable mostly because of the outlandish things they say. I used to make audio recordings of my siblings when I was younger and loved them so much, so I decided to record videos. Because they were do adorable to me I wanted to share them, or at least get a second back up copy online, so I posted them to YouTube, fully seeing no harm, because I truly was a sheer nobody anyway. Who cares what I post? Well, it turned out someone did and they decided to rip on me full-throtle telling me the errors of my ways. Actually, the reaction only made me more consider that the thing must be right or it would not be so vehemently oppossed (re: to see what matters follow the source of the dust cloud). The harder I was protested the more I wished to defy. But, I was ultimately moved to take the videos down from global perusal. I thought, it was no big deal to show naked todlers, but they would not always be todlers. I would not be offended to see myself naked as a tasked either, but I saw it from a more eternal perspective. If the babies would mature into someone like me, and it was wrong to record myself naked, I thought about morality in God's eyes. Our time in mortality is so minuscule that to discern different moralities for me vs. my children (who are me in microcosm) is rediculous (what is good for the mother goose is good for her chicks. vice versa). So, we likely appear the same eternally speaking and I would never record them in the bath if they were older let alone post such online, so I sort of repentented of doing such.

Too late - at night

I am sure it is early somewhere, but right here, right now it is too late meaning too dark to simply record my thoughts and dump them on a video.

Crud, I already forgot them.

I was started by thinking about how I had read that the way to achieve a slimmer face was to have teeth removed. Ah hah! That's it. I remembered!

My thoughts on having teeth extracted is that is sure reforms your face, but the effect is far from.slimming, in fact, it is was far as you can get, the opposite.

Now, why on earth would anyone trust me? I am simply adding my opinion to those already expressed on the internet.

I have recently had all of my teeth extracted because it was needed, not because it was a whim or a thing I hoped would beautify me. Actually, it has taken me a long time to readjust to my new appearance and accept it.

Many told me, who misunderstood my reasoning entirely, thinking it was cosmetic in the first place, and likely that was how it effected them, but the notion was that not to ever trade god given teeth for prosthetics. This leads me to the reason I wanted to express my opinion.

We have teeth best suited for the things we need them for. If you truly need beauty, removing teeth is not likely the answer for you. No matter the immediate improvement, nothing can prepare you for the loss of self.

But, regarding appearing skinnier. Well, then it stands to reason that I would appear most thin of all because all of that space taken by my teeth is gone. Or the combined weight of my teeth is gone (it can be considered if peeing before being weighed is plausible) The truth is I gained a lot of weight because of not having teeth.

Without teeth, at first our diet must be changed, very little can be eatten, this may seem good. Long term, our body panics thinking that we,are in starvation mode and as soon as we can eat again, we store any calorie we can as fat incase we need it in the future. Another VLOG mentioned that thier need to consume coupled with the lack of ability lead them to many less healthy choices. The biggest consideration is the warning all health concious routines suggest as a reason for weight gain: not chewing enough.

I had such a voracious appetite once my mouth had healed enough to eat, that I nearly choked to death several times. Even with perfect teeth I am still not chewing enough. And, so I think that removing back teeth to look skinnier is wrong because without back teeth chewing might be neglected ultimately causing weight gain which is the opposite effect.

Even although, my pain was so intense I cried in desperation for a welcomed relief of death, my husband said that I would regret not having my natural teeth. And I see the reasons he would say that and I ask anyone to consider it before actually even thinking of removing teeth as an option for beauty.

Isaiah

It is funny how the truth is so obscure if you are not in the same frame of mind.

I think Isaiah seems so obscure because he tried the best he could to explain things. I find that if I stick to trying to be less vague, and applicable to all situations and people, the less I am understood.

My acheiles heel (sp?)

It is very important that a certain thing involving me does not happen. Often, a thing that seemed so good or really was so good was to keep me waylaid. But, the plans of God will not be thwarted and Mr. Screwtape is getting desperate and even starts something like having all of the infants killed to insure none ursurp him.

I do have a weakness and it is constantly exploited. I feel like Ariel when Ursula tells her that it was never her that she was after. Ursula had bigger fish to fry, and Ariel was a end to a means.

It is most hard for me to pretend that a thing has no interest for me when it does. And vice versa. Satan has never loved anyone but himself. He does not care what extra curricular damage comes in the wake as long as his ultimate goal is reached. Does he even notice that it is because he is not ever sincere that he looses all credibility and support. Probably not because,he is too self centered and so are we when we chose his methods of least resistance.

My greastest weakness is love. It ought to be such a good thing, but instead it is used against me. Weak things can become strong. With the right perspective, I will be able to overcome my greatest trials because I was able to both
Access and change my previous failure into a opportunity to grow. They say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." And, I am still alive.

All I want

It was recently absorbed that the reason we think things are impossible is because of the way we use our brains to process the enormous amounts of information we are constantly bombarded with.

I further determined that I would like to recalibrate what I can accept and reflect upon so that my dreams would not be rejected as impossible.

The contemplation of how scientific truths have had to be rejected fueled my need to do so. I fully understand that ignorance is often bliss, how utopian it would be to just accept what I have been taught and make things fit. It honestly would produce a certain happiness which I deem higher than the hapiness things like promiscuity and gluttony might produce (a.k.a. eat, drink, and be merry).

In order to accept my dreams as possible, it seems needful to address what they are. So, then I will break down into accomplishable goals what must be done. Like Special Agent OSO and his Three Special Steps.

So, what do I want?
I want to find someone who will lay outside under the sky and speak their thoughts and listen to mine. Now, that doesn't sound so impossible does it? Well, it is. Because, this person and I unaware will be able to share the inner most parts of who we truly are and feel happy about it. My greatest fear has always been that to share inner thoughts and be inspired and happy I would also be sad because of laws that frustrate any potential understanding. Oh, crap. See, I know what I mean, but am afraid of being understood.

So, it is the perfect cage, fear is, because it takes so much hope to break free, like a rocket hoping to escape the earth's atmosphere.

Well, that is what I want, to discuss my thoughts and have them reciprocated and with someone who for some strange reason endures my stupidity, and will increase my comprehension with their every word.

The Luthier

I was contemplating things when it came to my attention that everyone has unrealised dreams. I want to tell the story about a wood be luthier.

Once upon a time, a man decided all of his talents and desires pointed him in a certain direction, so he began taking steps towards that end.

It seemed like every good deed led him closer to this deed of Making his own guitars. He researched the contruction and gathered the tools, know how, and wood. He stockpiled every last scrap he could from his days making Guitars for another company, but he was not content. This discontent would surface elsewhere and ruin schemes.

He made many beautiful things from his collection of "good wood". But, most important became his wife and children, causing him to put his other aspirations aside in order to provide for them. They were so appreciative, but he was discontented. His aspirations first took a backseat, and later they disappeared.

But, of all of the good things he lost wood was not the most fateful. He was certain of his eternal fate. He was loved entirely by his wife and children, and had even vowed to place them first forever. He looked for something missing and figured it was somehow out of his reach because of his associations. So he severed them, breaking hearts and dreams, and still never made his guitar.

So, I will not become discouraged because my dreams were unrealized because others were and I should be thankful for what I did accomplish not rue what I did not. I only need think about the guitar that never was to realize there are more important things in life than guitars, and life is long enough I will find time to realize my every wish, if I focus on what truly matters.

Bombshell addendum

I was thinking about How I used to be jealous of those fat women who still have a great figure they are just fat cause if they lost weight they would look better than I even could, but it occured to me that their obedesity is not the problem it is the evidence of a will problem. Sure they could look better, but they don't. And though they will not honestly admit it, they would like to look and feel better, but who else to do anything about it? And I would much rather be me and be unattractive but in good condition.

Bombshell

It has never ever been my goal to be the woman who is asthetically pleasing alone, although being physically competent is part of it. I think I have already proved the competence of my physique in surviving death. I have not become every man's ideal big lumps of fatty tissue here and there but otherwise trim, but, instead I am so Thankful for who I am and what I have been given. I truly feel sooo lucky. Though blind, the world does not even comprehend enough to desire my body it is the ideal blend of anything I might ever need. And because advances have been made out of a need to hide or blend in, my unfair advantage has been hidden through my poor balance and inability to do things I otherwise would. My only struggle is that the desire had not dimmed only the ability. But, in acceptance of my greatest talent... if it is at all possible, I will find a way.

All I wanted to say was that I do not want to be the most desirable "pin-up" anyway. I just want to be able to attract someone who would appreciate fully what I am. I think it is why I always thought before pictures are prettier than the after. And stupid slutty types were the epitomy of ugly to me, not a zitty, nerdy or even backwards chick so shows where they try to make a cute girl look bad. I would think, Wow. I really like her hair and make up like that, and then afterwards I would think, well, She actually could be pretty.

Battle of the Bulge

I have a theory.

Sad to acknowlege having spent so much time considering it, anyway. But, as I age I am suddenly, without change in diet, getting fatter. I thought at first that my metabolism is slowing down is all, so I exercise more and eat less, and am increasingly intrigued by those ads for supplements or foods that rid you of that impossible to loose belly fat. But, I just had a break through thought, maybe the reason it is called impossible to loose is because it is just that, imposible. Maybe it is not fat at all, but skin. And as we age our elasticity decreases and that bulge that was always there is not held back by our tight skin anymore and so we appear to be gaining weight. But, if I lay on my back I am as skinny as,ever, and if I wear a tummy band problem solved the fat goes away. But, I hate feeling fake,maybe the solution is just accepting that the way I look changes with age and stop trying to look 17.

Rant

I have to apologize for even getting angry, but I do. Tonight it is about playing house.

On paper we are a perfect statistic. One boy, one girl, married parents, both share a religion, and actively seek to advance in it, but the truth that angered me almost too much is that though I am married on paper, it ends there. I am for all intents and such a single parent, and worse, I am not allowed to go find a means of supporting myself.

I am not allowed to drive his pos car that is in no way fit for a family. Which family clearly he does not want.

Tonight, I am moaning about how he asks to know what we want to do, but he clearly already has in mind what he wants to do and once in his car he never even speaks of let alone asks if we would like to come. And he agrees to do things reluctantly, after making it perfectly clear that he does not want to do it, and he makes it painfully clear that he does not want to spend a cent on anything that is not for himself, regardless how he gets the money. If he does not want to donate any financial effort into the family time or any interest would be nice.

Jesus Christ taught not to do good only to those who will in turn do good for you, but everyone regardless. Without my husband our whole family is penniless, so often we do without so he can have what he wants, and we constantly need things and likely I appear overly needy asking for baby wipes or sandwich bags, etc.

But, I almost feel unwanted by his total disinterest. For example, Mary Anne, my three year old asked if I thanked Dad for my Easter Dress. I got as cheaply as I could at a thrift store. And yes, I did SAY thank you, but I feel as much gratitude as thought went into buying it for me. I almost want to be mad, until I think of What Christ taught. I need to show appreciation no matter how a gift was given.

Lastly, I want two topics to be addressed. 1) the many ways one can feel like a single parent. 2) the ways to demonstrate your feelings in more than words. For example, the best gift my husband ever gave me was a time he went grocery shopping with his dad and I stayed in the car. He returned with a drink for me. It is not the gift or the cost, but the fact that he was thinking of me. Now, he tries to replicate it by getting me things I never even thought that I wanted. And when I ask for things he acts like he will but wants me to know full well that he doesn't want to... It is the biggest mistake of my life. Easter is a time where we truly accept the power of the atonement, but I am at a loss how it can help me start over, or even feel like I deserve to...

Say it out loud

I am strangely being transformed from one who spoke their mind to one who opts to write out their thoughts. Why is that?

My guess is that it has to do with my audience or my ability. I honestly cannot speak as well, and though it ought not determine or keep me from saying what is best, the difficulty and the corseness of my speech causes me to turn elsewhere like a horse with blinders. I was respected for my ability. I think of the saying that it is better to remain silent than to speak and remove all doubt. I would rather be remembered as a respected orator. Now, I find refuge for the thoughts that boil over, in writing them down. And, who I am speaking to has changed from an endo dynamic to a exo one. What the heck does that mean?

I used to say things intended to benefit and buoy those who already believed as I do. But, now more of what I have to say is intended for the global population. I tried Youtube, but again, my days of public speaking are passed. I will join Moses on the bench and say, "I cannot speak." When clearly I can, but I do not want it to distract from what I have to say.

It will be the greatest challenge ever, to me, to stand up to those placed over me, but it honestly is only temporary. In so doing, I will not be understood, but yesterday a song lyric attached to my heart. It said that Jesus was a man least understood. And we have all been asked to follow him, and by so doing we ought to expect to rarely be understood. Being understood does not make a thing right or wrong.

Ha ha ha. Yesterday, Joseph told me that I should not chose the left, that is bad. I should always choose the right. It is along those lines that I am drawn to conclude. I believe that he has been sufficiently given the way to choose what is right for him to become in body who he is in spirit. All of my children are obviously incredible  spirit children of great promise, old souls with vast potential. It is when I contemplate the eternity that sadly I feel like my path is clear, but it must lie ahead still for try as I do, I cannot even choose the left if I wanted to...

Agency is one of the most significant gifts. It was pointed out to me, yesterday, that we do not have agency given to us so that we can chose what we want, but so we can chose what is best. Often, the correct choices lead us to more trials, and that is how it should be. It does not mean because it was hard that it was wrong. But, it allows us a change to prove to God and ourselves that we will Infact seek what we ought to do and choose the right.

Ugh, I just realized that I did not make the point that I intended. It was that things are more clear to us if we speak them or in this case write them. It is in submitting our thoughts to the scrutiny of others that we become more solidified. Sort of like the enemy of my enemy is my friend. How so? Well, if you are sure of a thought enough to put it out there, then you must embrace it and be willing to defend it.

My philosophy professor asked me after class once if I was a philosophy major. I told him that I was just Mormon. He was obviously confused. So, I explained that in a highly anti-Mormon place like this I had to know what I believed and why is all.

A song repeats in my head

It is what they call an ear worm the one part of a song by paramore called Misery Business.

I started playing in my head like all infectious songs, as a joke or something I was initially laughing at, but it is sort of like we cry when we are happy, maybe laughing is my inappropriate emotion. I was laughing because Brandall wrote me a letter saying that our marriage was still salvageable but I needed to be upfront with him and maybe tell him things. Laughter is because the thing he wanted me to share with him was my supposed repressed fantasies. "...wildest dreams come true not one of them involving you..." I did not tell him because the only thing that held me back at all from realizing any dreams was him, but if it was only a,matter of communicating a thing and saving my marriage, I would have just made something up, normally, I can and do.

Then I remember Nick commenting that it was likely the same wedge between us as was what ruined my first attempted marriage. I thought again that sounded preposterous. There are absolutely no commonalplities, except for the thing that is not funny, but I laugh about it. My realities have no potential of reaching what I need.

Mini course adjustments

At the time little bitty alterations in what I actually did opposed to what I originally intended seemed minor and more educated was all. But, in retrospect, I see that very small alterations in direction make for very large differences in destination.

For example, I wrote a letter to myself at age 14 to be opened at age 18. I intended to go to BYU, and could have, I was accepted and well qualified. It seemed like nothing too important, besides, I was only 17 anyway when I started college, maybe I ought to stay closed to home.

Fate would have it we moved to Mississippi the day I graduated, and I got a full scholarship to a community college. Sensible, affordable, just a little adjustment better suited, huh? I even visited BYU on a winter vacation and moved there after graduation to kinda fufill my inner desire to be there. But, I hated it, so regardless of my course correction, I moved to Seattle.

Moving to WA seemed right at the time, too. And as fate would have it. I ended up back in Mississippi and found a Southern husband (which was a main reason I moved away) who I had actually crossed paths with unwittingly in Utah. I still felt like I,needed to go there for some reason, but he reminded me how much I disliked Utah.

Well, long story short, here I am. way off track, but unable to shake the pull of the place, afterall Brigham Young said,"This is the place."

My point being my life is much more than one aspect (the right place). My best friend, and seminary pal used to always quote to me, "The single most important thing in any Latter-day Saint Youth's life is being in the right place with the right person at the right time." (To keep my eyes off the many ideal guys at school) I almost have too many anecdotes from personal experience to share in how to apply that.

Looking back, I can see how things unfolded do differently than what was expected. Those changes are accounted for by minor changes.