Times like this remembered

I do not have any words on my mind, yet I am restless and feel a need to communicate, only nothing in particular. I just feel like if I write something, maybe the thing that needs to be thought will present itself.

I feel like I have to make the choice that I thought I had already made before, but, if I had, I would not be here at this precipice so often. If I had leaped, jumping would no longer be a choice, but it is.

I decided, that love was merely a stumbling block and so I decided to live without it, that was my choice, but I sort of question that and think, it is not too late yet!

I have a very foreign idea one that seems to not fit in this life, but it cannot be forgotten, so it must be recognized and dealt with. I think that all my life little things have happened giving little glimpses that together on a movie of my life would have worked as foreshadow quite nicely that I have been given all of the blessings available on earth, like being a wife and mother but, consistantly, I was intended to give proof of certain traits and how even if not used or hidden would still prove valuable and not to be rooted out. But, I keep failing, and given another chance.

I feel like my experience or life has not been typical and definately not one to be used as an example. I think maybe I could never have lived a normal life anyway because, a huge part of life is building relationships and family, which although I have, I did not do it the right way. My family is built upon will power and reason. It is strong but not the way it was intended, now here is where my wierd notion comes to play.

I have a notion that I am already married and sealed and that I am "blessed" to experience having children in mortality, but, when I die to this life I will only be returning to one so loving I dod not need to have a mortal lifetime to develop it. I know this idea is woerd and think where on earth would I even get an idea like that? My answer is simply, my wild imagination generated it with variables supplied from various sources. It is like algebra, with a lifetime trying to solve for X, everytime I get another clue or potential fact I think it will be enough as long as everything else I supplied fits.

Nope. Still not even sleepy. What gives? Maybe, I need to do something crazy, but I already cut my hair off... hmmm

Maybe, try once again to love my husband, but, face it. I just don't and he needs love, I really ought to jyst back off and let him fall in love. I keep saying I will, but I want Mary to be baptized first. Then I will feel better about filling my obligation to God regarding her. At least being certain that she could potentially be redeemed and return to God.

Yes, I believe that fully. And what is more significant is that I believe that I will be resurrected, and live forever which makes being in love and sealed to someone so important and likely why I fabricate such a tale because I know that is necessary, and I further know that unless there is drastic change I cannot be sealed to my current husband. I do not want to be with him even for more than a few hours let alone forever.

It is so wierd.  I should be sleepy. Usually, I am. I tend to fall asleep typing things, then, I wake up to a nearly dead phone battery.

So. What do I do? The way that definately works, giving me access to a life more compatible with everything I have been taught and know or do I give up everything that could be good with merely great expectations or hope of the one thing my life is missing.

I know it was a comedy, and not intended to be a model for how to make choices, but I recently watched an episode of "The Orville" where a young security officer was left in command of a vessel and she was unsure what to do. A hogher ranking official gave her direct orders of what to do, but she wanted to risk loosing everything at the chance she might be able to save her commanding officers. Although, she got lucky in fonding them, it seemed pretty unlikely that they would be retrieved, still she hoped and managed to retrieve them!

Oh, here it is. My thought. I just found it. I can actually accomplish anything that I decide to accomplish. I have it on good authority that I most definately can, and so I need to simply decide what outcome I desire and them make it happen. My concern ought to be what consequences will necessarily follow as a result, like the debt that comes from using credit to buy things. Sure you have the means, but you really need to consider what the cost will be in the long run. It is the same for me.

I have been introduced to the notion that what you create is what returns to you, like karma. Only, a tad different. S great move that explains it is "The Letter Writer".I have been very cautious about what I pray for because I do not want to ruin lives, but if everyone has their own freedom to choose. I cannot hurt anyone unless they let me anyway.

I do have a wish that is secret I sang about it, "Only God Knows". Ok. Falling asleep, now.