pondering in your heart

Sometimes things we ponder are private, not secret. I am hesitant to even place this online, but I do so for the benefit of my descendents. I want them to know there is much more to me than what I write about and record. And it is these little pondering that form how I act and become. I liken this unto a fact that deeply impacted me when getting fitted for my dentures I had a tray thingy in my mouth and it sort of compensated for the teeth that I had lost. Lately I had lost and so when the tray was removed it upset me and I said such. That I felt better with that tray in my mouth. Then, he explained(not even knowing about my back aches) that a missing tooth will effect our posture, by effecting the muscles around it, and in a domino sort of way, even a back ache can be the result of a missing tooth. And so, these little thoughts effect my views and eventually my personality.

Ok, so, what I was thinking about is that when we are born we existed before. Understood. Yet, we are called children of God and he is our father and yet, we were never created, and are without begining, ok, organization and creation are not the same thing, to me. But, wait, two ideas give birth to a new one, right? And we are intelligences. Are we intellectual property of God, thereby we call him father? 

Eliza Snow wrote a hymn "Oh My Father." Where she asks if she has a Heavenly Father, doesn't she have a Heavenly Mother? So, my ultimate question/prayer has always been is he our father literally or is that just a good metaphorical title? Sort of like all of those great Father's day talks that mention how reverent the title of father is Everyone agrees (not that it makes it more true) that donating part of the building blocks or genetic material makes you worthy of the name father, so many have spoken plainly and born testimony that God is our father, what does that actually mean? Such are the things I am privately pondering this morning. 

terrible headache

I was pretty hyped because I had inadvertently solved my hot flash trouble in following my "gut feeling". I figured it had to do with body temperature regulation and it seems to, pardon the pun, flash up when the temperature flirts with 75 degrees Fahrenheit. So, I noticed that everytime I drank water I started sweating and got really hot, my thought was drink Gatorade. I did and it stopped, though I also stopped loosing weight, or rather feeling like I was getting in better shape, and that introduces my current issue.

I decided that every person is different and finds different solutions for them specifically, and so I wanted to find my own solution and not trust some other method as I had done. I decided that I did not want to be tonned or muscular, so I started IF again and found the reason I gained weight was that I was not creating a calorie deficit. My body functions perfectly well on just tea, so I needed to stop drinking it as well and it did work amazingly well, until I realized that I merely lost what I gained when I did get to eat, so no progress was being made. Next, I decided one meal per day works best for me, and regular light exercise. TAH DAH! HABITS forming and sizes and extra weight dropping until I plateau Ed. I do not want to do anything more or drastic because it could not be maintained and would start a yo yo, so, out of desperation I thought rather that accept that I was actually a very healthy weight, I would change up my fasting plan weekly to confused my body...and this week, my plan included an entire day and so, I could eat after 8pm and I am soooooo sorry that I did, because whenever I do I get the worse sugar headaches! 

I am writing here hoping that doing such will force me into organizing my thoughts and seeing clearly the solution, and frankly I need to make a choice endure headaches and drop weight or realize, as my grandma told me, there is no ideal magic size. It is all about being happy with what you are and really, I cannot even figure out why I want to be skinnier, I just do, and I feel so good when I sat dropping sizes, even if no one else even notices.... why on earth is that? If it isn't outward accountability, and my inward is ok with whatever I am then what? I am really at a loss.

Maybe the headaches are a warning. C.S.Lewis said something about pain being a megaphone announcing an issue, perhaps this "einkandi" is alerting me to something that ought not be done. I just do not want to be 150lbs for ever, though even in college (about 20 to 30 years ago) I weighed 140lbs and thought I was overweight, but looking back I was extremely thin! (Running about 30 miles per week). Ok, I ought to just go back to one meal per day, walking daily. And pray alot and trust that I will be healthy enough to do anything I am asked to do... and use my stress and worry on something else.