Not afraid, just not stupid

There have been two diferent times sort of the same thing happened and I feel like the pharoah who had a dream that he couldn't shake, but how noble of him to bother looking for answer to a dream. It seems like he could have just said,  they were just dreams, nothing more, but it was his dire need to know what it meant that ended up meaning a very important consequence that would effect all mankind.

Anyway, the first time was more of an idea that came in a visible way. Next, came a dream, full blown with sound and of those I think they are called lucid dreams where you retain a memory of feelings,even when I woke up. It did 2 things 1) made me wonder why we do not just live in dreams, I could not see an advantage instantly of waking up. 2) I wanted so much to go back to that same dream again, I felt like I  ought to have behaved differently, it was a dream afterall.

I cannot return to my dream, but I could try to model life after it. I suppose that is what people call having and chasing your dream. But, when we had a lesson yesterday about Ester I thought about Torchwood, no. Just kidding, I thought about how terrifying it would have been for her to know that she was risking her life in speaking to the king. I bet she rehearsed a billion times what she would say. And then starving for 3 days, have you ever tried it? Talk about being glittery, and exhausted, but that Corr's song says when you're young you don't even need sleep or food anyway. And she was young, but I know that we only fasted 1 day for Aaron Murphy, but it was miraculous. I think it will stay with me, written in the inner parts of,my heart, reminding me what a focused good a group fast and prayer can do. The world is just now catching up and realizing that prayer does unexplained good for the recipient, and the giver.

Someone noted that when we speak things out loud it solidifies in our beings, and that is a reason for testimony meetings.

It has been long since accepted that there are benefits to prayer and positive thinking, though it is unexplained has never been an issue for religion. People are happy and do not know why and do not need to know why. Then, the world pretends to discover things as they joyfully accept what mysteriously was known all along.

So, now on to why I do not chase after my dream, if I do want it to become a reality, no matter how real a dream seems it is a dream and not a place or thought that we can return to the thoughts that created a place so perfect. I have actually prayed for Such a reality, but do not confront because It would be foolish, there is no mortal consequence or anything that prevents me out of fear of death, like Ester, but, a certain sense of bounderies. Also, because I love the idea so fully, I do not desire to ruin any chances I could have, by speaking on a hope.

It is a dream that I am so obsessed with that I am going to have to have more faith than I have to achieve, and it would be like going to a gun fight without a gun. I do not fear for my life, I fear for possible regret. So, I'll conclude with a favorite quote as of yesterday."not shrinking is far more important than surviving"

Soapbox

This or that. This obviously, no, that. Oh, I am sick to death on the temporary peace that comes when I think that I have finally decided, then some foolish,thing seems to weasel it's way into my short lived peace of mind. This goes either way. I just want to make up my mind and stick with it.

It would be so easy, and a comment on a show plays in my head: "I have no right to be anything but happy." Or when I felt the stinging barbs pricking at my peace of mind I thought, oh that is,just Satan trying to keep me,from being happy. He wants others to be miserable,like himself or just keep me from achieving anything that would make me truly happy.

Then, I started thinking well, Isn't it just me who isn't happy with this all and though I can suppress it, I cannot do so indefinitely. I will live forever.

It boils down to basically what I believe, not what actually is. I believe that there is so much good I can do and I will be an instrument for good, though I might have to be strong enough to go against what my friends and family think is Better for me. They are not me.

I believe so many quirky things that have not been documented, but enough of them have been and so I decide they all must be true. I believe the doctrine of Love is the most important and it is key to surviving mortality and paramount beyond mortal life. Mostly, I see that, and it really breaks my heart, my husband doesn't believe the same things as I do, like if something is right, do it, and if you really value it, treated it so. He constantly does things that are little, but remind me that though he speaks well, his heart is not in agreeance. I can relate to that, but I want him to change what is in his heart, whereas I want to change my mind.

We find peace when my heart alligns with his mind, but then my head hates the actions of his heart so much that I feel repulsion and disgust, then turn that disgust back on myself for disturbing the peace which would make everyone happy.

I just wonder if it is correct. When it is a matter of Joseph and Mary (my children not the parents of Jesus) then, hands Down always what is best for them always wins. But, who decides what is best?