Years later - diagnosis

social pragmatic communication disorder, which has some symptoms that overlap with Asperger's. Doctors use it to describe people who have trouble talking and writing, but have normal intelligence.

My last doctor who was admittedly a specialist working with young children. Was baffled that I did not test positive for ADHD/ADD. but, I almost laughed.surely most could tell what answers one ought to answer to get a certain diagnostic. Like my first mental therapist who asked if I heard voices. I tried not to laugh. Would someone who heard voices actually admit to that? I did not, the thing I did incorrectly was obey an instruction. But, even now I get frusturated and feel like he was perhaps not as precise. He told me to fold a sheet of paper in half. I folded it lengthwise, cause I assumed we were going to be making columns of lists. But He got upset and said here, I'll do it. So, about the child psychologist I asked him merely to explain what a drug was going to do chemically before I consumed it. So, he changed my prescription because I did not have the problem the first drug would alter. And later, when my mom told him about a thing I had done which was very uncharacteristic I heard him say that perhaps I was sociopathic. Ok? I did not know what that meant, but I took it home and tried it on. It explained (excused) some behavior, but did not explain my extreme sense of empathy.

About a year ago, I heard someone speak about autism being a diagnosis merely to define a different way of seeing things. I studied a whole lot and even developed a grand conspiracy theory of others diagnosing me as such. I would not agree. I know others who have been diagnosed as being on the spectrum and I was nothing like them. I was normal and quirky. Sure, I did not see things like others but This was not a thing to define or label me. I was allowed to live at this time for a purpose, being understood was just not one of them. But really. I get so extremely tired of living. I just cannot find where I belong. Surely, the thing I ought to gain from this life is a family and how to live in a home. Then, randomly I watched a video on high functioning autism and was like BINGO on every bit not just parts. So, I have a diagnosis.

Just found this and wanted to add it:
social pragmatic communication disorder, which has some symptoms that overlap with Asperger's. Doctors use it to describe people who have trouble talking and writing, but have normal intelligence.

https://youtu.be/nK2DlLmVc20

Ocassionally, strike that, make it rarely

I regain perspective where I see my real place and I am humbled and apologetic for being so presumptuous or pretentious in my communucations.

But, most of the time I am an earthling doing things one does never considering any other possibility. Like an infant never sees parents and care givers as potential peers.

I think of the notion of a dying Beethoven shaking his fist at God, and every one who considers this act thinks, "well, surely he does not know what he is doing." Let us not for even a moment entertain the idea that he is truly brilliant.

I scurry like a cautious spider. You scare me.

Sorry if I wonder

But...

I cannot help but keep coming back to the idea of reincarnation, but not in the way I have been taught like a close relative possibly being a cow or spider or something. But, I know what I know so it must fit with that (like a side length in a triangle that I already know the angles to) to be true. It feels like a tangent when I hear about it from other's lips, but the idea lingers about me waiting patiently for me to find the truth of it, but it is not something I ought to share or muse over publically.

I was listening to documentaries about (speculations) very distantly past times and rulers, and in it experts said that the stories were alot like Instagram feeds in that there is truth to them but it is not as easy to see and are likely colored by the agendas that birthed them.