pondering in your heart

Sometimes things we ponder are private, not secret. I am hesitant to even place this online, but I do so for the benefit of my descendents. I want them to know there is much more to me than what I write about and record. And it is these little pondering that form how I act and become. I liken this unto a fact that deeply impacted me when getting fitted for my dentures I had a tray thingy in my mouth and it sort of compensated for the teeth that I had lost. Lately I had lost and so when the tray was removed it upset me and I said such. That I felt better with that tray in my mouth. Then, he explained(not even knowing about my back aches) that a missing tooth will effect our posture, by effecting the muscles around it, and in a domino sort of way, even a back ache can be the result of a missing tooth. And so, these little thoughts effect my views and eventually my personality.

Ok, so, what I was thinking about is that when we are born we existed before. Understood. Yet, we are called children of God and he is our father and yet, we were never created, and are without begining, ok, organization and creation are not the same thing, to me. But, wait, two ideas give birth to a new one, right? And we are intelligences. Are we intellectual property of God, thereby we call him father? 

Eliza Snow wrote a hymn "Oh My Father." Where she asks if she has a Heavenly Father, doesn't she have a Heavenly Mother? So, my ultimate question/prayer has always been is he our father literally or is that just a good metaphorical title? Sort of like all of those great Father's day talks that mention how reverent the title of father is Everyone agrees (not that it makes it more true) that donating part of the building blocks or genetic material makes you worthy of the name father, so many have spoken plainly and born testimony that God is our father, what does that actually mean? Such are the things I am privately pondering this morning. 

terrible headache

I was pretty hyped because I had inadvertently solved my hot flash trouble in following my "gut feeling". I figured it had to do with body temperature regulation and it seems to, pardon the pun, flash up when the temperature flirts with 75 degrees Fahrenheit. So, I noticed that everytime I drank water I started sweating and got really hot, my thought was drink Gatorade. I did and it stopped, though I also stopped loosing weight, or rather feeling like I was getting in better shape, and that introduces my current issue.

I decided that every person is different and finds different solutions for them specifically, and so I wanted to find my own solution and not trust some other method as I had done. I decided that I did not want to be tonned or muscular, so I started IF again and found the reason I gained weight was that I was not creating a calorie deficit. My body functions perfectly well on just tea, so I needed to stop drinking it as well and it did work amazingly well, until I realized that I merely lost what I gained when I did get to eat, so no progress was being made. Next, I decided one meal per day works best for me, and regular light exercise. TAH DAH! HABITS forming and sizes and extra weight dropping until I plateau Ed. I do not want to do anything more or drastic because it could not be maintained and would start a yo yo, so, out of desperation I thought rather that accept that I was actually a very healthy weight, I would change up my fasting plan weekly to confused my body...and this week, my plan included an entire day and so, I could eat after 8pm and I am soooooo sorry that I did, because whenever I do I get the worse sugar headaches! 

I am writing here hoping that doing such will force me into organizing my thoughts and seeing clearly the solution, and frankly I need to make a choice endure headaches and drop weight or realize, as my grandma told me, there is no ideal magic size. It is all about being happy with what you are and really, I cannot even figure out why I want to be skinnier, I just do, and I feel so good when I sat dropping sizes, even if no one else even notices.... why on earth is that? If it isn't outward accountability, and my inward is ok with whatever I am then what? I am really at a loss.

Maybe the headaches are a warning. C.S.Lewis said something about pain being a megaphone announcing an issue, perhaps this "einkandi" is alerting me to something that ought not be done. I just do not want to be 150lbs for ever, though even in college (about 20 to 30 years ago) I weighed 140lbs and thought I was overweight, but looking back I was extremely thin! (Running about 30 miles per week). Ok, I ought to just go back to one meal per day, walking daily. And pray alot and trust that I will be healthy enough to do anything I am asked to do... and use my stress and worry on something else.

so, sorry!

It started as I tried to figured out the something more to the story about Henry VIII and figured there is more to believing whole-heartedly that you are born as you are by divine providence. Just consider how that would effect your actions, and understanding of an heir. So often, we ascribe our personal way of thinking about things to those we are thinking about. The more I wondered about what he was thinking the closer I came to misunderstanding God properly. My old Algebra teacher, Mr. Vebe would be proud. He always wished, sincerely, that I would grow up to be very ignorant, instead of just a know-it-all. I simply believed purpose and life and stuff was just a time to struggle through maturing, by having the freedom to chose, and loss was just a part of it. I had created some really cool stories, too. The stories explained ideas that I didn't understand in ways I did...but, today I realized to understand parts of the truth had to be left out, like a kid reaches a point where they cannot do everything. So, something has to be sacrificed so they can do something else. In my simple way, I realize the great sacrifice made to get my opportunity, but does that mean that my opportunity is a sacrifice?

Ok, I just decided not to say this on Facebook, so I do not need to be so enigmatic.

I had this big delusion of grandeur,  but such a delusion kept me from appreciating how awesome it is to realize you are a true Child of God. With that, I felt bad for Heavenly Father giving up so much, like 1/3 of his Children. Until I realized that though we might not be aware (ignorance is bliss) it is very likely that we also lost loved ones. But, my final thought crushed my heart until I started to comprehend my patriarchal blessing in a new light. I understood things with a meaning the words alone never gave me, although I memorized them.

But, hold on, What did I realize that crushed my heart. I never did say. I realized that in Lehi's vision, and throughout scripture, those who had tasted the fruit became ashamed... or, in other words, the very elect fell prey to worldly ridicule. THIS was what our freedom cost. 

I feel like I know things that no one ever told me, they just are. It is as if gravity had not been discovered, I would still intuitively know and expect it to work.

This gets deep, stop reading unless you can get it, no hand holding provided beyond this sentence.

I lived before I was born into this world.

Oðinn had AI ravens.

I had a family that I loved and wanted to be with forever, and this is my chance.

I am reassured opportunity to accomplish anything which had been understood in a self-help sorta way, ya know, never give up on your dreams

If we have prophets and visions, then things are expected to happen a certain way, maybe they could happen another way, hence it is important to have an eternal perspective.

Gravity is justice.

who am I

I learned ways of dealing with who I could not control. Like Acne, or being flat-chested, at the time they seemed so important, but I have been told, thus reassured, that I am understood and would be loved entirely. People get larger as they grow, and I no longer find myself appealing, but I can deal with that. What matters is my health and ability to do things, but I am flatly told that I will have the means to accomplish the desires of my heart. The days of comparing myself to Beethoven are over. I will succeed in any righteous pursuit. I simply have to accept that I ought not pursue music so vehemently.  Wait, this is a record of accepting who I am and believing that I can and will be loved and able to achieve anything I must even if I gain a few lbs or loose an ideal figure. 

I really worry about people who cannot achieve beauty even by loosing a few lbs. I think maybe it doesn't matter in that way. I always think that we came to get our bodies so that we could have this physical form. There was an episode in Stargate Atlantis, where a group of entities Ascended and no longer had physical form. They were, and they wanted bodies soooooo badly to interact, and so they came to Arlantis to create bodies for a place for them to go. 

If the body is a container, then it is the purpose, that body can serve a purpose in fashion or not. I don't think fashion really matters. Women are attractive so attract mates, who work hard to provide. 

Anyway, I was thinking 🤔  Maybe, *I* not only knew, but selected this body to become part of my existence.  So, I need to love ❤️  it and have faith that if I needed to be attractive to achieve my intentions then God would help me do so. He has promised to hear and answer my prayers. Either I believe that or I don't.

It is also nice to consider that people that I find to be beautiful do not look alike at all.

another species?

I might be going crazy, because my first answer to myself regarding the unique way my body uses energy was, well, everything according to the standard human Genome mapping has been incorrect, and we assumed that it was due to all the standard reasons, and again have landed on the supposition that my DNA sample was some how tampered with or contaminated, but maybe it is because it is not human, as in Neatheral or Denisovian (not alien). If I was another species, very much like a homosapien, it could be merely minor places in the code could be responsible for different things. I do not actually believe that, but it is a possible solution.

little boys

Both of my sons are amazing people, to divulge a little secret, I sometimes believe that they will both become mighty prophets, like the ones that John mentions in the book of Revelation. That always makes me think of Lucy Mack-Smith who is quoted as having said that there was nothing unusual or noteworthy about Joseph Smith's childhood. I have marveled because surely he did or said things that belied such a magnificent character. This morning I realized one additional thing I had not considered and that was the fact that her eldest son was Alvin and she also would have considered things that most would think were amazing as usual when I started to consider the other boys in that family.

I attended a silent auction for the Christmas Box house where a teen in foster care was talking about life and they said that both parents were in prison and growing up, they merely believed that was just something common to all parents. They had no idea that life could even been different... new thought: Studying Aurora Lee,  our teacher told us that if we had been born into captivity we would never anything else, and a caged bird 🐦  only gets power from imagining something else and believing it, and I thought that was the same thing Joseph Smith taught in the school of the prophets as recorded in the book lectures on faith. In my current musings it is easy to see why Joseph Smith, the American Prophet's mother did not notice anything extraordinary about his childhood. She also noted that their family was likely seen as peculiar.

found an idea to study out

But, I really don't have the time right now. I am sure a time will come a force my nose into books cause I will need to know. 

So, the apostle Paul knew that there would be a falling away, ok. Then, I wonder why the apostle John would ask to stay until Christ returns to preach the Gospel. I only mildly wonder about things I heard taught before.  Time to study it all out on my own. And I need to understand the dynamics a bit better, if John asked to stay on earth until a second coming then he knew that Jesus would die, maybe he had already died at the point, but what purpose would he have for wanting to stay alive to bring more souls if Jesus was going away himself. I suspect I will find that it has to do with why he is called beloved, and writes so much about love. I guess he understands so much and is overflowing with love. But, my mind questions if all of this love is for the gospel plan and not merely Jesus cause he did not ask to stay with Jesus and help him, when I am supposing that he could trust that whatever Jesus would be returning from would be the best thing to do....lots of questions here. And why does he ask privately? Is that really what he asked or is this just a paraphrase that I had just always assumed...again, many questions of which I really need to read and study.