crap! (kukur)

A I reviewed a previous post I realized how truly weak I am. I said that I deleted all of my games and ways to make money, but I am doing them again. I freaked out at the financial burden of children's birthdays and Christmas, and then I read what I had called my most spiritual event. Well, if it was, I did not exercise much faith. Last night though, my daughter was mentioning how miraculous all of the events of my stories were, but none were at all embellished. She noted that things like seem common to me are unusually lucky for most people. It was then I remembered so many other things, that I ne er speak about, because I was sort of told they were only for me, and I did not want to entrust such happenings to someone else's scrutiny or criticism. I knew for a fact that they happened, and I can see plainly how many times I have been inexplicably rescued. Two of my most obvious were when I needed dentures and when I fell down the stairs entirely unharmed though many other items needed to be discarded due to damage, not to mention the fact that I am walking and breathing when my doctors explained that it was extremely unlikely that I would live, but certainly never be able to walk again. It was so phenomenal at the time that the doctors who worked on me in the hospital requested that I return and show them, and my personal pyschologist/neurologist/therapist asked for permission to publish a story about me. I knew that it was a big deal, but like 9/11 it has sort of faded in significance. But, as I was thinking about things that are "me" and those that are done to "me", I realized that though my will had not been changed, my trajectory had been altered by inabilities, so, I thought, hmmmm, maybe that means because I struggle with Icelandic, but still Excel at other languages, maybe that is intentional sort of for my good. Well, what can I determine from that sort of thought? Well, I still love Icelandic and will never abandon it, maybe because it is something more a part of me than I realize. Honestly, do we even need to realize who we are to become who we are?

I think I am going to withdraw the money I have made for Christmas gifts qnd then delete my games a new because it is rett. 😉

belong

It is Halloween, yippee! I still do not feel like I live here. It sort of feels like a dream or like I am living here while I visit my parents. I am considering getting some chickens to raise, or maybe guineas or ducks, it remains to be seen. I feel like that might ground me a bit.

    Honestly, I think it is because I am neither sealed to these people or have had this home blessed, and because those things have not been seen to they must not be seen as important. I have repeatedly expressed my desire to have our home blessed, but nothing has happened. I figure it is like all of the other promises, or rather they seemed like promises to me, like repainting the porch and replacing the door ( both were supposed to have been done before we move in ). Nick has also said that he was going to make our garage a "man cave" in September. Tomorrow is November and no steps have been taken. As I type this here, I begin to understand my thoughts and feelings a bit more clearly, and it makes sense why I do not feel like I belong.