Too complainy for public...

I was going to post this on Facebook, but it felt too whiny. All I wanted for Christmas was a DNA kit, but I got nothing. Well, my daughter gave something that I loved, but my husband and Santa gave me nothing. I figured I got nothing for my birthday cause he was saving to get me something amazing (like more than 3 dollars) I got cash from my parents, but I used it to buy presents from Santa assuming someone was going to get me something anyway, cause that is what happens on Christmas, right?

Well, now I wish I had not spent that money so that I could have gotten myself a DNA kit. Next time I get paid I am going to get myself one. Probably everyone thought it was soo obvious that surely someone was already getting that for me. That happens alot, I like to believe.

I am just done hoping I have not gotten anything for years and believed I simply was not patient enough. Surely, when I got a gift it would be all the more deserving cause of justice.

Accordingly, I just lost all of the karma I earned by loudibly complaining, but I don't care. It makes me doubt so much instead of building faith it destroys it. I am dealing with other mankind, not a diety. God is truly just and loving. Every expectation and miracle has occurred as expected my thought is that just as a practice of "consecration" never worked on earth for a reason. It will be a looked forward to practice one I thought would be a shared vision and practice in my home so living it eventually would feel like it was perfectly normal and happy.

So, yeah, my complaint echoes the saying that if you want something done you do it yourself. I just heard a sentiment in the Jewish people in regard to how they would accomplish a thing that seemed impossible. The Rabbi said, "If God wants something done then he will find a way to do it." So yeah, my solution previously was not right, but I am beginning to understand the impressions and hopefully a terrible malady will not be required to make me act, but even Joseph, my son, told me that he was extremely worried that I would not do what I needed to, I had known for years and years that I ought to go to Utah, and graciously I was allowed to Perdue my own prerogative but then ultimately, I was forced, sort of, through providence to do what I knew for years that I ought to have. Hey! This sounds like Jonah to me. Suppose there are truths to be learned everywhere in every story.

Lastly, in life, the end does justify the means. Sort of. I have been maimed and pruned causing me sooo much heartache and pain, but it can and will be done and worth it in the end.

Let it begin

I had only hoped and relied on the faith of others to work miracles. I have this night decided that I hope enpugh to begin my own faith and will begin to expect good things not only hope, but pray by name to cause very very great things to happen because of the way others have only wanted to exist to this point.

This notion was prompted by the goodness and encouragement given by Suzanne Taylor, today. And I was not even going to attend an interview but the words of my old stake patriarch from Midland, Michigan came to my mind reminding me of a thing my Father in Heaven said to me reminding me that it was important to attend every single meeting as they would round out and develop my character. I needed character development, too, and I got it. Maybe we get what we are looking for, and I am looking for strength and found it. I know that humility is significant and miracles are expected.

Documentation

I am glad to have everything so well documented, because it is my experience that memory is no substitute for firsthand account of things.

A comment

As I had my phone in hand I will record my nightly thoughts regarding my time spent reading the Bookof Mormon tonight.

31 But behold, the Nephites were not slow to remember the Lord their God in this their time of affliction. They could not be taken in their snares; yea, they would not partake of their wine, save they had first given to some of the Lamanite prisoners.
32 And they were thus cautious that no poison should be administered among them; for if their wine would poison a Lamanite it would also poison a Nephite

I was really not expecting that. I felt all along like the armies of Moroni or other called the armies of the Nephitepeople were in my mind righteous peoplewinning their wars from the aid of God. Iget that notion As well from the old testament where one can determine which side of a battle God was on by learning who won. If thestory of David and Goliath taught anything it is that regardless what seems the outcome will always be God.

So, while I was thinking of these men as being Godly and all I assumed that they lived in accordance with all of God's ways. I naturally assumed that such adherence would include liquor which could potentially take away one's abilities and that was how the Lamanites were thwarted in attempts to overpower the Godly people. I was recently reading how George Washington's armies sought to win by being exactly obedient to God's laws, thereby winning his favor. It was commented how uncharacteristic it was for soldiers to be such upstanding gentlemen, yet such were the armies of Washington.

But, instead, it said the Lamanites were thwarted because the poison was detected before the men drank it. That caught me off gaurd.

Buddha

Last night I rewatched a documentary about Buddha cause most things, if they have information worth gleaning, require multiple experiences. I suppose it was that frame of mind that suggested a thing I had not realized. When he was searching for a true answer he found sources, yes, but he did not stop with one. It reminds me of what I think about my own children. I woukd not want them to simply take my word for something. I would not want my kids to believe a thing simply because that was what they were taught.
Bhuda found things that were not what he believed originally, and he did not stop because he found truth. Nor figure simply because a thing was not true then others were.

It is not to say the things I teach my children are not true, I merely hopethey would know why. I remember a thing I told my philosophy professor in college. I told him that the reason I seemed like a philosophy major was because I was Mormon. If the conversation had been longer it would have included that I was merely an Amatuer or lover of deep thoughts. He asked what being mormon had to do with it. I explained that inthe Bible Belt I needed to know what I believed and why (Whereas many "saints" happened to be born in places like Utah to LDS families, which we believe is just and a great great blessing ). To summarize, I was Mormon by choice in a place where one was heavily rediculed using scripture and not just trivial arguments.

Before I leave my writing I have another thing to say which is off topic ( There was a topic? ) Have you ever considered that Adam was not allowed the opportunity of choosing a wife? He did; however, choose to eat the fruit in order to stay with her as was commanded. Seems like a pretty good guy, to me. Uh, which brings me back on topic. Both Adam and Buddha were seeking truth and reconcilliation.

But, likely because I had not challanged such thinking, my thoughts side with Adam as being more noble. In my mind, Adam held fast to what he knew was right and rejected things no matter how great they seemed unless he knew. He knew already that he would be redeemed and would accept nothing less.

I never got the feeling that buddha was certain about anything. He could not even believe that he would surely find a reconcilliation or escape from the plights of mortality. My idea was that both of them set an example of how to find ( deduce )what truly is.

It is all about multiple testimonies independent of eachother comming to a conclusion. I read about that yesterday in a post about DNA kits. Brilliantly, a woman searching to find the truth tried multiple DNA kits to see if results were actually based on her donated sample of spit.

Ok, too much time for today already, 👋

Dreamlike entry

The AC

Supposedly, the ac on the van doesn't work, but I have used it with no trouble whatsoever.

The ac in our condo is not working, I just let Nick take care of it because I know that he is very self-centered and will be sure that he is taken care of, thus the kids and I are fine, although, I would like to take care of things many times... but, I think of how I have to let the kids do things even though I could do it better myself. I let them try and learn, so I let Nick try only he never tells me a thing so, in most cases, if he does a thing I learn absolutely nothing about it, one of many many reasons why I need to go to the temple and try to "re-center" as my GPS says when My map is a bit deviated and I would like to get back on track.  So
What if the AC needs attention, the kids are happy, extremely happy, Mary even told me she was having the best day of her life.

Something is lurking

I do not even know what to expect, but I expect something, and want to be preparing. Everytime I get a moment to use, I get this same feeling like it is getting closer. What is it? I am completely in the dark except for a knowledge that something is lurking.

I do have another experience to share, where I was at a low then, out of the blue a solution sort of unfolded without my intervention, or did it? I took action first, but was low because of supposed failure. Ok, let me tell the story. Wait, wait... the moral of the story ( and I tell you upfront so that you see it unfold as I did, though there are probably many ways to understand it) is that the best things happen in a way we do not expect, but is better than we planned or intended.

I had one thing on my mind, getting a car. I am not going to get started on the reason, suffice it to say it was important. It was so important I nearly put it before paying my tithing, etc. Nearly, but Thank Heaven (literally) that I didn't. I had been searching for weeks because I wanted to make a rational choice BEFORE I had the money burning a hole in my pocket. Patiently, I waited as funds started to add up, and I got excited as payday finally arrived and zi had the money to buy the car I had decided on, although technically, none felt like the exact right one, so what, huh? I needed a thing and had the means. So, we loaded the family up to go see the first car, we got stuck in a traffic jam, and I got a message that it sold. So, it was back to the other one, I told myself it was the one I really wanted anyway. It was a beautiful dodge caravan that tan fine, but had some cosmetic issues, but everytime I made arrangements to purchase it, situations changed. I was really getting an overwhelming feeling that I was purposefully being avoided. But, as the ride I was trying to arrange kept falling through, I was told that it was scheduled for being scrapped at the dump yard this morning. It was out of my control, I thought, hmmm, maybe it is difficult to see if I will endure as a measure of my sincere desire or something. I did want it, but ultimately had to resign myself to another failure, but I HAD to do something. So, I posted on my Church neighborhood's facebook page an inquiry and left it at that, but totally not desiring to even look anymore. Also, there was an issue of a lost bank card so I did not have access to a large ammount of money until a replacement card arrived anyway.
    I pittied myself a bit then tried to forget my disappointment in my dutties. Then, out of the blue, I got a txt message from a neighbor asking if I still was looking for a car. I was putting the kids to bed, but replied that I was actually. And believe it or not a very vehicle I saw newly parked by our house (someone had successfully got the exact new vehicle I wanted, it was a perfect silver dodge grand caravan). To shorten the story, the same vehicle I often admired, was being offered for sale. I bought it! Everything worked out perfectly!!

That story tells me that even if I have things planned out perfectly according to my plans, I will be happier with another plan, so if I am the planning sort, perhsps more prayer is in order to put my plan in a line with one that is obviously better. So, in this case, although I do not have a plan, per se, one is unfolding and I do not need to know what will happen, but I WANT to know and in quiet moments, like this. I face it fully. My conclusion is keeping doing what I have been taught is correct and pray if I want to know. Yet, recognize that knowing isn't going to change anything but my awareness. Hey, cool quote!

Exactly what you were looking for...

But, now that I said it, keep in mind, I will know that you read it, making rebuttal pointless. Many of these thoughts had been thought years ago in hopes of resolution. But, This is another proof that if you want something you must get it, no one has your interest in mind as well like I thought foolishly happened in marriage.

It isn't being skinnier that I want, it is the idea that people have the notion of someone who is in shape would not look like me.

When I was skinny, I was unhappy with myself and was only happy looking back. At the time, I considered myself wrong. I was not sure what, but I was not desirable. I thought that would change with having a family. If my husband adored me and I felt like I was of worth to him, I could forget about being ugly, but he has never even told me that he thought I was pretty. Infact, at times when I felt my worst, I found pornographic images and chats with "hot" girls online. Sure, I expect him to be human, and I forgave it, but it still feels terrible that all I wanted was to be acceptable and not in competition with anyone to look a certain way. It was, I will call that feeling when you wish you were dead, depression. I dealt with and moved beyond it. I had other issues to deal with that were far more soul crushing. My children were growing up with out me!!! And, I had permant issues from my brain infection that rendered me unable to do my favorite things. I figured it was intentional, like a chicken struggling so hard to break out of it's shell (referring to a newly hatched chick) nope. Unless, I gave up too soon and it is humanly possible to heal, Dr. Strange did... oh yeah, that's a movie, but it helped me see realize maybe what I was enduring was helpful damnation so that I might realize other neglected talents. So, I focus on developing them and only occassionally fret about my dwindling appearance - oh hey, just had a great idea about that!!! Ok, I'll tuck it away for later. Running, and piano maybe deserve another shot. Improvement is nearly impossible, not impossible. Where success was quick it is beyond slow, but not non existant. 

Too often, I give up cause my plan did not work instead of revising, but hey, isn't that what repentance is for? Sometimes, we have to choose between two goods where which is better is almost impossible to decide without deciding and experiencing the consequences. Sometimes a choice must be forgiven, look at Adam and Eve...

We believe that Man will be punished for his own sins, but that punishment can be mitigated through a Savior.

(Note: I found this on my phone, written, who knows when so, I published it on this date, but it was not written on this date)

Ups and downs

So, sometimes, I feel like I am headed upward or am at an apex, then I feel like I am plumetting or at an all-time low. This is normal, or usual, but I do not want to feel like I am justifying any behaviors because they simply are. I feel negative because I am failing to do as I feel like I should...another positive is sure to come where I realize that I was not doing as poorly as I imagined, yet, I could not ever feel depressed or discouraged if I did not have room for improvement.

This wishy washy tendency is cyclical, I have noticed, and duration of low is up to me just as expectations were, too.

I nudged my son today when the primary president told the kids how important it is to have quiet times to ponder things. THIS IS A WOMAN CALLED BY GOD TO INSTRUCT US and she sees that as important, and I agree. My kids chose a "quiet place" today, telling me it is important, uh, like I did not already have a quiet place. I explained that was why I het so angry when they interrupt my bathroom time cause the bathroom is my quiet place. The other is the temple. With the temples so close, I can go weekly to erase the world from my thoughts and refocus on what truly matters to me.
It is sad, but I question the things I think matter to me even though they are completely the conviction of my heart right now. I tell myself, "See if you still feel that way after some time spent in the temple." Today, an awesome thing was taught about service when we feel "down". We will never regret serving others! It will raise us to a high as well, so when we feel in the dumps start looking for a way to serve. I think that is another benefit to regular temple attendance, not only is it a quiet place, but it gives a rare opportunity for us to serve others in a dedperately needed way to genuinely become a hero in doing for others that which they could not do for themselves. In fact, just tonight, the prophet was reminding the youth of a duty to gather all Israel, and instantly, I thought of how I could help by searching out and performing ordinances in the temple,  not everyone can do it, but as I have the opportunity, I ought not waste it.

We tend to think of things in terms of consequences, and as such I know that there is a blessing directly ascribed to temple service, and I hope such blessings extend to those living. I really do not know what relationship I have, but I feel a serious obligation to love certain people. Is this natural and to be overcome or part or the covenant/promise keeping me? Still, I always think regardless what I may accomplish if I fail in this one regard, then my eternal being is at stake, though my obligation is not clear and likely not as one might assume... I am getting cryptic, like I always do when I try to speak of things without saying what they are.  I ought to close this entry and continue my thoughts in quiet reverie, I just tend to think better when I am typing it out and trying to communicate the feelings into words, whoch if they were for myself alone, I wouldn't bother doing. But, I have been asked to record things like this for some reason... so, I try.

Just realized it

So, as I was listening to the song I think it was called Ain't Nobody. Which is sorta kinda funny as I type it I realize when typed it means something different than it seemed so entirely when I heard it, cause of the double negative. Anyhow, just as I figured out that God was the one who loved me so much. I felt proud might be the word, to have had so many experiences where intervention was obvious. I cannot believe that it never occurred to me how loved I had been all along. I am really really loved, now I want to listen to that Josh Groban song You Are Loved. As I was so happy to finally figure ot out although I had even been directly and bluntly told that it was significant to realize how much God loves me, I realize that he loves everyone that much, it is no distinction. It is a fact.

It's like this. I would do practically anything for Lena cause I love her so much, but that doesn't mean I would do anything less for another child as well. Until I was a parent I frowned upon calling parental love love. It was not a choice really. It just happens and has no bounds. I never doubted that my parents loved me and I also knew they loved each of my siblings as much so being loved by a parent did not make me feel special. I knew I was a child of God and thereby loved. Now, as a parent I know there is more to it and it is not just a given thing. I seriously and completly love each child and even come to tears thinking about it or when I make promises to always watch out for them, not even being sure I can do so after death, but assure them that if there is anyway, they can be sure that I will find it for them! It is a true and powerful love that doesn't NEED to exist. So, God feels about me and He actually knows me and the desires of my being and he loves me for who I am. It really is loving parts of himself in me, which I bet being able to love yourself is one of the hardest things to do and a very important reason to have children.

Yesterday, I was a bit upset at Joseph for constantly referring to Nick's mother as such and not his grandmother. I told him, after Nick explained why she did not want us to visit her grave (which we did anyhow, sorry), that as well as her spirit part of her body still lived on. Then his interest was piqued. I spared him a lecture on mitochondria and simply asked him to consider where his body came from. And that it was part dad and part me and dad was part his mom, so that meant he was partially her, too.

So, rather than blabber on and on... I need to bake cookies, etc.

https://youtu.be/EGLSk3AVcUU

Ignorance

It occurrs to me often that I can choose to be ignorant and extremely happy or I can continue to try to understand things and go through confusion, and you know, confusion seems a lot more noble to me now. Sort of like a emblem of my progression. I think it was what my 9th grade algebra teacher meant when he told us that he was much more ignorant than us, and it was his sincere wish that we all would as ignorant one day if not more so. At the time, I thought he was on to something,  and that was merely a comment on how teens think they know it all and it is hard to give to aomeone who doesn't need anything.

At least not to the point where...

I read a thing that made me think of a Matchbox 20 song, I am reviewing it in my head right now to get to the title
Ok, appropriately, the title fits my thoughts: Back 2 Good

I do not know if the image is already posted, or will need some editing a.k.a "post post rigging" (the image did post following my ranting post which seems backwards, but oh well...)

The thing that always got to me about that song was that it expressed an inner (secret) wish as a solution to the problem and it would be acted upon if no one else was aware of it, then as the lyrics state, it is alright if others know, as long as we feel like we are getting away with it. That is what I am thinking about. How many rules and restrictions SEEM to be interfering with our goal while they actually are improving it, just not to the point where we would think so. Why does it matter that we think things are helping our agenda or not? My answer lies in our definition of sentient being. I think of another song by Alanis Morrissette (sp?) Where she sings that" I am Aware now" so? Or, maybe that dates me, then how about  Katty Perry, "I'm Wide Awake" or Amy Lee's, "wake me up inside, free me from the nothing I've become". It seems we find purpose and value in being aware.

I noted a huge turning point in my "recovery" when I was ill, when I could recall things like why I was there and when, and it matched others. We all needed a common point of reckoning or something to feel valid.

As I read a spiraling, I thought, "dear,me, the center cannot hold. Things will get out of control." It is like a serence bathtub with one tiny impurity that we think will be removed and everytime we try it escapes at the lat minute,  so we devise to make a current and pull the plug to send the impurity down the drain. The trick is to get the garbage into the vortex, from there, the spiral action will suck it in and down. Most of the water will remain and it will be pure, so regardless if the speck is happier or not, it did not belong in the tub.

This is a metaphor of law, and a main reason I dislike it being ruled by money. As if fines punish offenders. It only punishes those with little money. And, like disciplining my children, punishment does not always work. My daughter responds when rewarded for adherence whereas she seems oblivious to punishment, at least unaware of what it is for, so it becomes a personal attack on her instead of a consequence for breaking a law.

My arm is falling asleep.

So, this reading makes me want to comment because I fear that the writer of it is not aware of the true reason for order. Um, surely not. Even in preschool we read a book where it repeated when a child broke rules, "what if everyone did that?"

In large URBAN civilizations, anytime actually, where many wills are united there needs to be a common denominator, or uniting purpose to create serenity or the possibilities that come from surviving together. Sure, surviving is not the goal, thriving is, and can only be achieved through surviving.

I WAS teetering

I knew that I needed to make a choice,  and I have been weighing them back and forth for days, and I stumbled upon one thing that having read it I instantly knew what I wanted though circumstances sway me, a part of me is constant.  Just as sure as I ever was I am way more sure of the other choice now. I think of another thing someone said about making choices that are difficult. It said, in effect, that people wonder why I insist on choosing the more difficult path and I ask them why they insist there is another way.

Stop

Gradually, I am going to streamline so much that I will be forced to do all the things i have been too distracted to notice. I wonder if I will really dispose of my clothing or yarn. I am learning to value lasting things most, but yarn starts out simple and little, but could end up as a precious hierloom. Honestly, I would love to have to wear the same clothes cause I did not have anything else, sounds fun. The other day when he was yelling at me Nick said, "Well, why don't you just take all of your crap and leave?" And it made me realize as I thought about it. I could replace stuff, no problem, but not responsibilities or people. What I really noticed as I tried to think of what I truly value and need was that I do not even have anything really. I am 100 hundred percent literal, too. I moved out here with a suitcase, most of which was Christmas gifts or hand me down anyway. Then, I had not bought anything for myself since I moved her years ago. And Nick has never offered to share anythung either. He makes it perfectly clear that he owns everything and I own nothing. And he is right, I own very little, and what I do own, is was given to me, and I stash away things out of fear that I might need it for something someday. But, having a job makes me realize how much I really could or should have. Anyhow, I am going to use spring break for Spring purge, starting with my things, so as to not be unfair when I streamline the children's things.

I get side-tracked thinking how I had already decided what to do about my situation long ago, and sadly I cannot act because of Money. The very moment I realized that I was a slave to money I decided that I did not want to own things anyway. Only if they meet demands, like I would very much like a car, so that I can get a job and drive the kids to school if it rains. And I do not want to have to worry about how I look, so I want comfortable durable clothing, but not too much of it.

If money was not an option then I would leave right now, no I wouldn't because I do not work for money, but because I volunteered to help Kenzy, so my place is decided until school is out. Then I have been called to teach a group of primary children and that is IMPORTANT to me. I fear that I would be breaking a promise, and I would much rather find a way to salvage my relationship with Nick than repent and admit I was wrong. But, each te I try and decide to just give love a chance, I get an earfull of unpleasant reminders of how unhappy eternal life would be if we managed to accomplish exaltation anyway. I do love my children, though, and I genuinely love Brandall and think I will pray for him like Enos (all day and night) for his brethern. I already know that I do not want to be with him forever. But, now, I see how many wonderful things we truly did have,  and although I found the things I was lacking, now I lack far more things now than I did then. Life must be a failure cause I learn so much from it. Now, it is sort of dialectical how I went from one extreme to it's opposite

What upsets me daily, pretty much

I just saw a very crude vide that made a great point that I want to remember. I started out being angry and jealous, basocally covetous. A beautiful looking person was talking about how social media causes depression because we compare, and it feels like everything we are is not good enough...

BUT

Then, she started talking about a thing people always say, but I never took to heart or understood why I ought to, or how such a thought could help, though others thought it would/should. The thought was that comparing isn't necessarily a depressing thing, and it does not require social media to realize that your crappy life is exactly what someone is praying for. You are living someone else's dream.

Ok, so, that issue was dealt with and solved. But, what really gets me is this: I refused assistance several times when it was offered to me, and if I could repent of things I would instead I need to keep living thus life constantly feeling sorry for it, cause I know it could have been so much better.

I traded sticking to my guns at home and eventually getting any and all assistance I needed just because I was too blinded by the notion of being self-sufficient. Basically, I couldn't be yet. But, instead of waiting, or the better word would be enduring, I left with Nick to try and achieve everything I wanted without help, but that was so stupid, because he gave the illusion of being a provider, but like Utah is actually a desert, he only supported us because he got government aide. Well, duh. I could have done that in the first place and avoided this terrible life. Too often, I converted my unhappiness with my situation to unhappiness with Utah. Cause it is easier to blame the place than the person.

And that is why I claim that he does not love me or our children because he has never ever even slightly inconvenienced himself for our sake. Infact, he quit his job and got unemployment because he did not want to be a "butt kisser". Then, when filing taxes he gets government money that was never actually earned and uses it for himself and then maybe some to pay to go to a family reunion or else claims that he cannot afford it (which is true, but if it is he had known for a very long time ahead of schedule and could have been prepared), anyhow, he claims that HE paid for our trip, and that sickens me. I could get loans and credit cards to afford such. I am avoiding any financial aide and have been since the very begining, that was my original solution, to get married and raise a family where I do not need government money to accomplish things, again, this is assuming my husband had a job sufgicient to provide, or at least some desire. I would have helped with finances, but have never been asked or included on it in even a fraction, unless it was to get food stamps or tax refunds. Then HE needed me so that he can get things for himself without working for them all the while claiming that he cannot afford the essentials for us.

Almost constantly, we have,in one miraculous way or another, been provided for when my husband refuses. I love a scene in a film where a woman has no option but to cross a river with her son on her back, and she remarks, "The Lord helps those who help themselves." She nearly dies, and then bears a testimony that it is a miracle that she and her son made it across the river. I bet she had several opportunities to find help before she absolutely needed it. But, it shows how much God loves us and is willing to rescue us even though it is our own fault we are in such a predictament.

Nothing to see here

I just wanted to make my thoughts known, but I lack someone to tell, so I am typing it. At work a woman bemoaned not having a husband to talk to, and I think that is maybe what the internet it for me because my husband is definately not someone I can speak to and I not only fear speaking openly to, but would not want to. I had the worst feeling in my life, maybe it was a warning, probably it was just a feeling. I had been without creative conversation in a very very long time and I asked him to write a story with me, but he not only thought it was a dumb idea, but refused to entertain the idea after I started a story about a bee living day to day in a hive... anyhow, this was before we got married, and honestly, I do not think he ever wanted to marry me, but he felt obligated, huge red flags for most because they are seeking love. I was never in love in the first place. I wanted a family. That was my goal and he was my way to achieve it, plus, he claimed to be of Mormon pioneer heritage so I figured if people were brainwashed, he would have been done so properly or adjacent or congruent to me.  But, he had only recently become active, and did not even choose to serve a mission, this bothered me, he williningly made very bad choices, but I believed in the ability of people to become regardless of what they were and I believed that he desired a life that fot mine. Ok, ok, so according to Hollywood and all the pop music and society in general it would be ill advised. So what? I am and have always been one who chooses for myself regardless what popular opinion dictates or suggests.

I have had very little to fall back on so it has forced me to focus on what I do want and do have instead of what I was missing out on.

I heard a really wise man speak about Marriage. I stumbled on it doing research for a primary lesson as I was wondering about translations and wanted to be master of a thing if I ever hoped to teach it, so this was an orthodox jewish rabbi, and his advice gave me a feeling like I was watching a scene from Fiddler on the Roof where the husband asks his wife if she loves him. The Rabbi said,

"Your husband is your husband, you find him and marry him.

You practically cannot avoid marrying your husband.

Marriage is not a union, but a reunion.

What kind of relationship are you going to have with him. Knowing what he is like is irrelevant."

Among many other things.

Then, this morning I was thinking, "Man, I wish I could talk to my husband!  I do not like the relationship I am in. I do it for the children. I wish that I had someone to talk to about this stuff (who was not biased). He is a very very good man, and the reason our relationship is so bad to non existant is because of issues that he fails to confront and deal with, and they, I cannot remember the word for it, butsort of withdrawls and shuns me. I have gotten tired of it and been forced to take care of most things by myself, as a result I see that I actually do not need to endure this. But, it is very important to maitain the facade for the children, but they are reaching an age where the relationship needs revision. He truly has been such an ideal helpmeet for me, especially in my primary class. We work well, in teaching children, together. And at the times when he actually attempted to deal with his issues things improve in the direction that was intended all along, this is simply a detour, right?

I NEED help though, so I turn to praying alot, and the answers I have gotten are to remain with my companion until I get home  and that I need to keep eternal perspective as choices are made.

Ok, so I am nearly willing to admit that I do not know how to prepare for an eternal life I am blinded by the misery I uneccessarily right now. But, some misery is acceptable and expected even, how I deal with it is of more consequence than what the issue is. So, all I could know is here and now. Ok. Well, then my children become my most important issue, so I need to do whatever I can to improve their existance.

This dictates I tell Nick that I would like to divorce him, but I really want what is best for the children, and trust honesty will always work for my best interest.

Then, I start to think about eternally living, and that I teach the necessity of being sealed in the Temple, and I was, but now, the one I am sealed to has left the church so, I will find myself alone eternally, potentially. I sort of think that I will not be alone, that is only a short time now, with my mortal perspective, it seems like a big deal but is not really. I am being like Mary and confusing wants with needs.

She was packing and emergency bag of SHOES! Where does she het this stuff, then both kids claimed toys were a necessity because without them, they would be bored. It is a real concern for them and may seem like a need. That is how I feel about things sometimes. It is probably just my perspective and will change.

Time to get the kids up and ready for church...

Morning wisdom

I will go alone, thank you  though.

Um, but what will you do?
(Reminds me of what was asked of Moses when he took the Children of Israel into the desert)

I really do not know yet. But, I do know that the Lord will guide me.
(Reminds me of what David said about going to fight Goliath)

Despite what you think

I have to write this again, it was that good.

These are my verbal flashbangs attempting to interest or distract you from what really matters.

It is always a matter of us or them, and if you aren't us then you are opposed. Tonight, I read a comment that used sound logic to show how what "they" said could not be true. It compared the thing said with the thing that was and in two side by side columns they seemed obviously polar opposites. How then could anyone disagree?

It is simple, they are not us and do not think like us and have their own "reasons" whoch obviously prove the way they believe, and merely defending ourselves offends them. 

Now, what I really was interested by, was a thing I saw in a movie last weekend where a guy was documenting the internal struggle of becoming us or them. And how there always seem to be a million and on reasons to believe what you want and them WHAM a weed of doubt starts growing making your conviction wane. This seems to be quite common. It is through overcoming that we gain strength and must choose a side...pause to consider "dirty diggerman", ok.

Tonight, as I was thinkibg about how each wave of doubt, uh, maybe I'll call them hurdles to be cleared. Fewer and fewer remain. It is sad. One that broke my heart so much (it needs to be pointed out how breaking up soil makes it furtile, might it do the same with a heart?)pointed out hiw inconsistencies are abundant, and truly they are, they have always been that way, no attempt to remove them has been artempted because they are by design. It was the very point of lies or inconsitancies that became a strong foundation for me. So, how does one grow stronger in believing a doubt? This. Interests. Me.

I never attempt to deny a doubt or contend with it. A thing is truly a lie. It seems accepting that is part of becoming real.

Just moments ago I was watching a Joseph Smith story that has been pocked apart, but, really, that does not need to be done. If one is looking for something ither than God, he will find it. Among the things I have heard commented on was that in a scripture we have canonized as JSH it says that as Joseph was reading the book of James it forcibly effected him insomuch that it caused him to desire to inquire of God because he needed to know (James, first chapter and fifth verse, which reads: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him). But, then in a different journal it tells that a sermon was given about that passage and that was why it was in Joseph's mind. Yeah? So?

Laughingly, I think this is the sort of contradiction they would find and blow out of proportion. But, it really is not so funny that they were even looking and finding anything wrong with the account when it is believed by an enitire denomination to be the way of things.

But, for some reason,  my mind was wandering as if often does to consider the big three "why" "where" and "when". Mostly because of the preperation for a lesson that attempts to explain them.

First, I recall the scene from A Room With A View where the hero boy, played by Julian Sands is found to be asking the eternal question of "why?" Maybe I'll finish this thought later...

Anyway, I started to think of the pretty sure possibility of being observed by spirits of others who have left their bodies,  huh? Well, anyway, I started thinking how incredibly wise Alvin Smith was and wondered if he would ever think I was smart, which somehow led me to consider Joseph Smith still being alive cause. That is what I believe and it fits with all of us LDS folk. The plan of salcation explains where we came from and where we are going, etc. So, that caused me, not gonna explain myself cayse it would take too long and would likely be misunderstood anyway, to contemplate plural marriage. I have never thought of it as being about sex. Often, i wondered if it was of more worth to me to be loved, or to be sealed to one as good and powerful who eould make a better God one day.

This all lead me to start thinking about how if things seem true or false would not make much difference to me, in fact there are things that are most likely not what they seem to be, and this does not disuade me. And really, even polygamy does not bother me as much as being loved, but where does that come from?

I wish I had a chart to diagram love the plan of love maybe. I feel like I am distracted by salvation.when what really ought to matter more is love.

Briefly described issue

It has happened almost too many times to be able to ignore, although I pretend to ignore at the first mention of it I made a note.

I, in all things, seek, or take great pride in not being discernable. An actual thought in college in choir rehersal one day when my professor said, "the worst comment someone could make after a performance is 'I could hear you'." My thoughts were, "yes! This is where I belong! Where not standing out is commendable."

Quite a few times, I have explained a thing to the best of my ability to recieve the comment that I was so completely scatterbrained that I made no sense. This bothered me, and I wanted to correct and edit so that I would be using language as a means to communicate not alienate. However, my thoughts were that there will always be someone who doesn't grasp what I mean, and I must just learn to accept that and deal with it, but it was noted. Then, the whole situation reoccurred, and has with enough frequency that I mentally raise a red flag. I am not communicating with my peers, which means I am standing out. Eeek!

Likewise, another lighthearted comment was made about how I percieve things differently. Being noticed as obviously different was huge, regardless of it was merely one of those, grasping to say something compliments like, "Your teeth look very nice in your mouth." It was like being told YOU sounded nice after a choir concert. One should be pleased, right? Well, it was like a grain of sand in an oyster shell.

Given enough time, I notice a trend. I have even asked close friends if I was seen as "that crazy lady". The beauty of being a local crazy lady is that you do not even notice that you are crazy. And, so, I thought, since I think this makes sense,  but it doesn't, maybe I think I blend in, but I stick out.

Am I that villiage crazy lady? Would anyone say so, if I was? Could I be if I was aware?  Probably not, cause I would avoid doing anything that stood out...
I am having another thought that requires stage front and center...that was mostly what I intended in the first place, anyway.

Thoughts on failure

I have always been of the mindset that failures were inevitable, and almost a rite of passage. Failure is an evidence of trying and are a sure way to not succeed. OK. So, then I watched "Meet the Robinsons" again along with a documentary about many of America's finest creators or inventors. And it was pretty much given as common sense, the addage that one ought to keep on. I recall a quote,but only vaguely, nothing specific, but it said that it is only failure if you stop there, otherwise it is a step towards success.

Well, so now you are thinking thoughts that I thought when I half listened toy children watching about Noah's Ark on a program. I thought, "If this is true, which without question, it is; then, God made a mistake when he was creating earth, but did not just scrap it all, but instead did a type of reset, but kept moving forward." Next, it was noted that man began to multiply again and they started to become wicked in God's eyes.

So, God must've had a purpose in the first place to feel like anything had failed.and the thing we call wickedness is not an intended thing. But, if it was inevitable that man would fail to please him, then the solution would have been to completely wipe them out, like they were ruining his beautiful, beloved planet, but they were kept and a promise was made to never flood the earth again.

So, wickedness is not desirable, but it is inevitable sorta like any failure.

I believe there is a plan and deviation is only part of eventual success unless one gives up.