I will go alone, thank you though.
Um, but what will you do?
(Reminds me of what was asked of Moses when he took the Children of Israel into the desert)
I really do not know yet. But, I do know that the Lord will guide me.
(Reminds me of what David said about going to fight Goliath)
I have to write this again, it was that good.
These are my verbal flashbangs attempting to interest or distract you from what really matters.
It is always a matter of us or them, and if you aren't us then you are opposed. Tonight, I read a comment that used sound logic to show how what "they" said could not be true. It compared the thing said with the thing that was and in two side by side columns they seemed obviously polar opposites. How then could anyone disagree?
It is simple, they are not us and do not think like us and have their own "reasons" whoch obviously prove the way they believe, and merely defending ourselves offends them.
Now, what I really was interested by, was a thing I saw in a movie last weekend where a guy was documenting the internal struggle of becoming us or them. And how there always seem to be a million and on reasons to believe what you want and them WHAM a weed of doubt starts growing making your conviction wane. This seems to be quite common. It is through overcoming that we gain strength and must choose a side...pause to consider "dirty diggerman", ok.
Tonight, as I was thinkibg about how each wave of doubt, uh, maybe I'll call them hurdles to be cleared. Fewer and fewer remain. It is sad. One that broke my heart so much (it needs to be pointed out how breaking up soil makes it furtile, might it do the same with a heart?)pointed out hiw inconsistencies are abundant, and truly they are, they have always been that way, no attempt to remove them has been artempted because they are by design. It was the very point of lies or inconsitancies that became a strong foundation for me. So, how does one grow stronger in believing a doubt? This. Interests. Me.
I never attempt to deny a doubt or contend with it. A thing is truly a lie. It seems accepting that is part of becoming real.
Just moments ago I was watching a Joseph Smith story that has been pocked apart, but, really, that does not need to be done. If one is looking for something ither than God, he will find it. Among the things I have heard commented on was that in a scripture we have canonized as JSH it says that as Joseph was reading the book of James it forcibly effected him insomuch that it caused him to desire to inquire of God because he needed to know (James, first chapter and fifth verse, which reads: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him). But, then in a different journal it tells that a sermon was given about that passage and that was why it was in Joseph's mind. Yeah? So?
Laughingly, I think this is the sort of contradiction they would find and blow out of proportion. But, it really is not so funny that they were even looking and finding anything wrong with the account when it is believed by an enitire denomination to be the way of things.
But, for some reason, my mind was wandering as if often does to consider the big three "why" "where" and "when". Mostly because of the preperation for a lesson that attempts to explain them.
First, I recall the scene from A Room With A View where the hero boy, played by Julian Sands is found to be asking the eternal question of "why?" Maybe I'll finish this thought later...
Anyway, I started to think of the pretty sure possibility of being observed by spirits of others who have left their bodies, huh? Well, anyway, I started thinking how incredibly wise Alvin Smith was and wondered if he would ever think I was smart, which somehow led me to consider Joseph Smith still being alive cause. That is what I believe and it fits with all of us LDS folk. The plan of salcation explains where we came from and where we are going, etc. So, that caused me, not gonna explain myself cayse it would take too long and would likely be misunderstood anyway, to contemplate plural marriage. I have never thought of it as being about sex. Often, i wondered if it was of more worth to me to be loved, or to be sealed to one as good and powerful who eould make a better God one day.
This all lead me to start thinking about how if things seem true or false would not make much difference to me, in fact there are things that are most likely not what they seem to be, and this does not disuade me. And really, even polygamy does not bother me as much as being loved, but where does that come from?
I wish I had a chart to diagram love the plan of love maybe. I feel like I am distracted by salvation.when what really ought to matter more is love.
It has happened almost too many times to be able to ignore, although I pretend to ignore at the first mention of it I made a note.
I, in all things, seek, or take great pride in not being discernable. An actual thought in college in choir rehersal one day when my professor said, "the worst comment someone could make after a performance is 'I could hear you'." My thoughts were, "yes! This is where I belong! Where not standing out is commendable."
Quite a few times, I have explained a thing to the best of my ability to recieve the comment that I was so completely scatterbrained that I made no sense. This bothered me, and I wanted to correct and edit so that I would be using language as a means to communicate not alienate. However, my thoughts were that there will always be someone who doesn't grasp what I mean, and I must just learn to accept that and deal with it, but it was noted. Then, the whole situation reoccurred, and has with enough frequency that I mentally raise a red flag. I am not communicating with my peers, which means I am standing out. Eeek!
Likewise, another lighthearted comment was made about how I percieve things differently. Being noticed as obviously different was huge, regardless of it was merely one of those, grasping to say something compliments like, "Your teeth look very nice in your mouth." It was like being told YOU sounded nice after a choir concert. One should be pleased, right? Well, it was like a grain of sand in an oyster shell.
Given enough time, I notice a trend. I have even asked close friends if I was seen as "that crazy lady". The beauty of being a local crazy lady is that you do not even notice that you are crazy. And, so, I thought, since I think this makes sense, but it doesn't, maybe I think I blend in, but I stick out.
Am I that villiage crazy lady? Would anyone say so, if I was? Could I be if I was aware? Probably not, cause I would avoid doing anything that stood out...
I am having another thought that requires stage front and center...that was mostly what I intended in the first place, anyway.
I have always been of the mindset that failures were inevitable, and almost a rite of passage. Failure is an evidence of trying and are a sure way to not succeed. OK. So, then I watched "Meet the Robinsons" again along with a documentary about many of America's finest creators or inventors. And it was pretty much given as common sense, the addage that one ought to keep on. I recall a quote,but only vaguely, nothing specific, but it said that it is only failure if you stop there, otherwise it is a step towards success.
Well, so now you are thinking thoughts that I thought when I half listened toy children watching about Noah's Ark on a program. I thought, "If this is true, which without question, it is; then, God made a mistake when he was creating earth, but did not just scrap it all, but instead did a type of reset, but kept moving forward." Next, it was noted that man began to multiply again and they started to become wicked in God's eyes.
So, God must've had a purpose in the first place to feel like anything had failed.and the thing we call wickedness is not an intended thing. But, if it was inevitable that man would fail to please him, then the solution would have been to completely wipe them out, like they were ruining his beautiful, beloved planet, but they were kept and a promise was made to never flood the earth again.
So, wickedness is not desirable, but it is inevitable sorta like any failure.
I believe there is a plan and deviation is only part of eventual success unless one gives up.
