It is well-known that a certain behavior, though healthy is not sustainable over a long period of time. This is true with running or, in my case, being confined. It is begining to show signs that seem to coincide with aging and so can be overlooked, but I know that over a longer period of time I will degrade beyond recognition. I would not be able to endure things like running or carrying a child or even raising a child if I did not forsee an end. I am very sick right now, and thus prone to say things I otherwise would not. I would never admit that The end that I am enduring to is not at all desirable and I too often ask myself what for? I wuote the line from a great movie, when a woman faced dying she imparted these words (and they haunt me)"was it all for nothing?" The answer is that it depends on what it is. A good exsmple would be fasting. If not done purposefully it is merely starving, thus a sacrifice for nothing. My current situation feels like that. Less so because the sacrifice is personal and not known to others, and I have played the part well, but God knows and sees what really is and he is able and willing to help me out, so, there is an end and there is hope, but I just needed to say that it is just not like me to live like this and everything about my appearance is begining to reflect the stagnation that polutes me, and if I do not make some sort of action towards resolution, the old me, I so love and respect will be lost forever. This is not at all even any intended part of mortal life or marriage. I am upset. I am sick. I am tired. I am going to bed.
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