Quiet (yet public) opinion

I needed something, so not knowing what it was I went searching to see what was being offered, and I found an opinion that needed rebuttal in it's misdirectedness.

In almost too many things I see it. Rules and laws assumed incorrectly, but they work until someone figures maybe an obvious, but unknown fact, that tosses a proverbial monkey wrench into a smoothly opperating machine. I use Stargate Atlantis too often, and apologize, but it is best demonstrated in an episode about a world where it is believed that the saftey of their way of life is,due to ritual suicide before a certain age, thereby keeping interest away from regarding their home as a place of interest from the universal plague of a deadly, life sucking species, named wraith. And although it does work, it is not the reason supposed. The suicide performing people are kept safe by a shielding device which cannot cover the whole area so the suicides were instated as population control so the species does not out grow their protection.

My, that was a long- winded introduction to my argument. But, for the reason that I do not want to make a public statement so much, (I see. Make a public statement that you do not want to make a public statement. Someone is lying.) so a long intro might make one quit reading... yeah, that was my intent all along. a long-winded diversion.

I was disgusted by a suggestion, although true, it was wrong, in the same way suicide is wrong, but it truly did do what it was intended to do, no question there. And it occurred to me that although a mind can be brilliant and alluring,  they can also be repulsive at the same time. And that was the thought I needed to break out of my deception, or as I refer to it, my delusion.

Like in SGA, it was only discovered by an outside selfish desire that was in no way intended to indentify the real problem. When, Rodney McKay stole the ZPM used to power the shield they started thinking about why the shield was even needed in the first place if the wraith were kept away because of the suicides. I stumbled upon the opinion I read this morning, because I am drawn like a moth to this great bonfire. I truly did not expect to even find anything anyway, but I started feeling those feelings of worthlessness and nothingness that I usually struggle with for a long time after. I liken it to being damaged by a flame, but returning to the fire. But, just as I was about to just go away and pity myself for my insignificance, I found this, and I forgot to be depressed because I was instead angry with myself for being allured by the light which was not what I had hoped for, or maybe it was.

I had just heard a song "Gravity" by Sara Barelies and was determined to escape gravity knowing it was going to need considerable effort, so Instead I gave in and fell back to the earth.

The opinion I read of gave me enough rocket fuel. "How could I love a mind that thinks like that, even if it is true?" It was the exact same thing as the idea of killing all of those who oppose you to achieve peace. Machiavellian.

"Not just wayward, not just bad. Not just all kinds of a cad. Not just faithless and untrue, but a...." I had the same notion when I could not decide which side was right or wrong on "the 100".

https://youtu.be/Hdt7CQ99zOs

Family history

I have been considering many things lately, and one thing has kept me awake in particular. I do not have pioneer ancestors like so many others, but I cannot stop thinking about how I share non LDS ancestry with so many pioneers it is insane.

My husband is one of those Decendants of pioneers, but I feel as much related because the same ancestry I have, if nature plays as big of role as nuture. The same blood lines responsible for creating the religious fervor and strength of the early church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints runs in my veins and I have not be culturally born into Mormonism as a way of life, to question and seek the truth is a key part of who I am and so when I was introduced to the church it made perfect sense, not because that is the way things were done, but because it seemed the way they ought to be done.

I used to lament the fact that my family was always in the exact locations at the right time for the restoration of the gospel and they even did form religions, or were very active in a given denomination, but none of my ancestors ever joined the church. This morning a quote was see and reflected upon "God has a way of making bad things good." Or some interpretation, that is the thought it generated. So, I wondered, if I recognise thatbas true, what supporting evidence do I have? Well, there it is. It seemed like a sad thing to not get to revel in pioneer day the same way others around me do, and that seems negative, but, I have something as significant to think about, by the gift of God, I know that I was formed out of the same sort of matter as formed all of the early prophets. This is a good thing. My situation did not change, but I am able to view it in a way that makes me happy. I think that is evidence of the truth I hoped was true.

Plus, it is as nobel to have heritage of significance in other religions, too. Because, we know that everyone is a child of God and they all need a way to draw near to him. In a class I learned that it doesn't matter as much how far along on a path you are,  but it does matter what direction you are headed. Most religions point people in the right direction.

Time travel

Warning, I am not going to try to make sense.

I wonder if maybe somebody is time traveling or maybe I got the dates wrong when I was telling somebody what dates to put after a trying time travel back in time and told them what to put.

what happened is some things that I put online we recorded as having been looked at and checked the next day when that day hadn't even arrived yet. Also the weirdest thing is that some records which were States Census records disagreeing with each other they had blatantly different names now how can a family change in 10 years well it can but there's no record before it be like what would have one guy's name married to and then have someone's name then you look at the next to send his record and it has all the same children the same husband but a different wife.  Now, how can I record ... I had been trusting records to always be correct but those were clearly not correct and I wondered how did they get that way I didn't look at the actual record I was just referencing the digital copy. Something was clearly wrong there and it upset me.

It was late and I was trying to think of what an explanation first thing I thought was timelines maybe it was actually the next day somewhere the next thing I thought was that I was a time traveler because I was just trying to verify information but obviously I didn't have adependable source. I couldn't remember exactly what day the right to type into the computer. I also forgot that there were multiple records of the same family and so when I changed the one record I forgot to change the others.

So I got it wrong. It was just a theory I had. I was tired and coming up with weird ideas anyway

That is all.

I have a hard time with this

I do not think I havecever admitted to anyone, but I do not imagine things. I cannot picture things that are not. Accordingly, there are things that seem like things one would imagine. So I pretend they are not real, but the pretending is becoming too hard. I pretend to be ignorant of things Iam not supposed to understand.... to me: please return after you rest...

Thought is stuck

I keep needing more input to move on, so I clean, nothing. I look up things that I wonder about, nothing. So I decide to play the radio game with the universe. What is the radio game? It will be explained, but the next thing I want to address is the time a friend gave me a Christmas present. Ok, the two parts have been established so now on to the next paragraph.

What is the radio game? The radio game is a fun game like reading a fortune cookie or a horoscope. It is completely random but you get to fill your time in trying to find meaning. It is played simply by choosing a radio station and before you listen, you accept that the next song is intended for you. I slightly twisted the game to be that the song would be my soundtrack for the day.

Remember when we used to make all if those mix tapes for people cause songs just say things better? It is the lyrics that really speak to us, with the aide of music they touch our heart. Well, never fail I end up with a classical song without lyrics. But, it suits me.

In college I was given a Christmas present/card that really made an impression. Cassandra was handing out her gifts which were cards with a hand drawn photo of the recipient. I was so anxious to see mine. The thought I had was, I wonder how she sees me. I opened it to find a photograph of a sunset.

A natural first thought would be, "She ran out of time so I am less likely to be hurt by not being included." But, I just thought it was so beautiful and the nicest thing anyone gave me ever. At that time, it was my sincere goal to radiate. I was so jealous of the sun. So, I was happy.

Now, what does that have to do with anything? Well, the message she wrote was to the effect that she tried and tried to draw me, but the only thing that came close was a sunset and her attempts to draw it were not successful, God had already done such a beautiful job, she just took a photo and felt satisfied and decided to just give me that. And I figure that is the same sort of disappointment that my song doesn't have lyrics again, when the thought I needed to record hit me. This is the part where we try to make meaning out of the thing. Maybe the music is the lyrics and the thing I am being told is too sacred for words.

I need to address this

I need to address this issue to get it off of my mind. Forgetting it, doesn't work. It is the same issue that lead to marrying Nick. I believe it is suppose to happen, but I sort of turned of any rational thought assuming such would never help me become who I ought to anyway. But, keeping my thoughts from me is not ever a good solution. As I started thinking again, I realized that I had betrayed myself. So, I needed to force my square peg into the find slot and make it fit. To do this I needed to remove anything that encouraged thoughts of a deeper connection, like most pop music and movies do.

But, regardless what I see or hear, I am still me and Iwill think thoughts that offend me, so I either need to embrace what is and stop pretending it is not there, and make honest mistakes instead of pretending to be a dishonest should be. Yes, Love and family should be central to my life, and that is why it is wrong.

There is so much I am thinking here that I won't type.

Confession?

I always looked down on the practice of confessing sins and the punishments seemed equally rediculous. But, now, as I mature I can see the sense in it.

At a stake leadership meeting in Nashville TN stake, the young woman leaders were warned not to try to substitute as a judge in Israel when listening to young women share their problems. The stake presidency explained that although it is a caring behavior, those who comitted the sin feel a false sense of relief and the pain of the sin does not bother them anymore and so they never confess to anyone who could truly help.

For years, I have beatten myself up over things I had done and opportunities I felt I ought to take, but didn't. Most importantly, and it troubles me still how I clearly knew that I was looked to to be an example and I behaved shamefully. As a teen, I also made almost too many teachers cry and drove people away from the church because they did not want to be anywhere near me.

Recently, in an interview, I was asked if there was a thing at all that was awry or needed to be resolved. And so I confessed and apologized for pirating movies and games for my children. I honestly promised that I would never do it again and know what? He believed me and said that I was entirely forgiven,and that I should do it no more. I feel like I was actually understood and wholely forgiven, and any time I am tempted I remember that I honestly was forgiven as if I never had done it, as long as I no longer do it.

So, in turmoil about these little things, I felt like No matter what good I did I would never be allowed back in Heavenly Father's presence unless I confessed to one able to forgive. Then, I read this today:

      When I found him that day at
      church, I said, “I just wanted to
      apologize for my terrible behavior
      in your class. You were always one.
     of my favorites, and I never paid.
     attention like I should.” He stopped.
     me right there and smiled. “Never.
     apologize for the things you did as.
     a teenager,” he said. “What you do.
     as a teenager is an important part.
     of growing up and becoming an.
     adult. You must do those things or.
     you will never become an.
     independent, mature person. There
      is no need to apologize.”

Now, I cannot say with 100% accuracy that this is true. And, The real drawback I see is we are failing to create proper morality by excusing punishment after accountability. But, it did make me feel better to know that offended others might have had such a view of me. A really wonderful friend has mentioned before if man is capable of such behavior, imagine what an all knowing and loving Father in Heaven does.

I have also heard a story where a boy is told to hammer a nail into a fence anytime he is displeased with his actions and then, anytime he is pleased with his ability to control his nature he may remove a nail.

When he finally removed the last nail that he had hammered and felt a great sense of accomplishment. He ran and told his parents. His mother congratulated him and hugged and kissed him in reward. His father asked him why there were so many holes in the fence if he was truly sorry.

Another woman found two quotes that to me spoke of the great love required to forgive, it seems the ultimate expression of love, to me.

That unruly teenager in me asks, "well, then maybe we all need to go do something really bad to someone if we ever hope to really love them."...see what I mean?

Please forgive that, any thought could produce an oposing view (a.k.a. playing the devil's advocate).