little boys

Both of my sons are amazing people, to divulge a little secret, I sometimes believe that they will both become mighty prophets, like the ones that John mentions in the book of Revelation. That always makes me think of Lucy Mack-Smith who is quoted as having said that there was nothing unusual or noteworthy about Joseph Smith's childhood. I have marveled because surely he did or said things that belied such a magnificent character. This morning I realized one additional thing I had not considered and that was the fact that her eldest son was Alvin and she also would have considered things that most would think were amazing as usual when I started to consider the other boys in that family.

I attended a silent auction for the Christmas Box house where a teen in foster care was talking about life and they said that both parents were in prison and growing up, they merely believed that was just something common to all parents. They had no idea that life could even been different... new thought: Studying Aurora Lee,  our teacher told us that if we had been born into captivity we would never anything else, and a caged bird 🐦  only gets power from imagining something else and believing it, and I thought that was the same thing Joseph Smith taught in the school of the prophets as recorded in the book lectures on faith. In my current musings it is easy to see why Joseph Smith, the American Prophet's mother did not notice anything extraordinary about his childhood. She also noted that their family was likely seen as peculiar.

found an idea to study out

But, I really don't have the time right now. I am sure a time will come a force my nose into books cause I will need to know. 

So, the apostle Paul knew that there would be a falling away, ok. Then, I wonder why the apostle John would ask to stay until Christ returns to preach the Gospel. I only mildly wonder about things I heard taught before.  Time to study it all out on my own. And I need to understand the dynamics a bit better, if John asked to stay on earth until a second coming then he knew that Jesus would die, maybe he had already died at the point, but what purpose would he have for wanting to stay alive to bring more souls if Jesus was going away himself. I suspect I will find that it has to do with why he is called beloved, and writes so much about love. I guess he understands so much and is overflowing with love. But, my mind questions if all of this love is for the gospel plan and not merely Jesus cause he did not ask to stay with Jesus and help him, when I am supposing that he could trust that whatever Jesus would be returning from would be the best thing to do....lots of questions here. And why does he ask privately? Is that really what he asked or is this just a paraphrase that I had just always assumed...again, many questions of which I really need to read and study.

LOTR stuff

I think that the reason I suffer from ADHD symptoms like needing new stimuli is because what I am doing is so boring. It is like eating tons of staw when you're a starving goat, so that you are full when someone arrives to feed you hay, and you end up starving to death.

So, a spot was barren in my brain, so I started assigning races to nationalities, consciously,  cause I actually already had without thinking about it, so I was sort of just mentally saying it out loud in public (though no lips were used) I suppose other terminology would have referred to what I was doing was airing out my thoughts. So, I was listening to music and crocheting a Christmas afghan. 

Here is what I assigned:

Elf - Scandinavians

Dwarfs - Scottish and Welsh 

Hobbits - English

Rohanians - German

Gandorian - French (southern) or Itallians (thinking of Celts and Romans)

But, maybe the Roman's should go with the Greek as the wizards...then again, maybe druids ought to be called wizards..... just thinking this stuff on the fly not any focus assigned to it or anything.

crap! (kukur)

A I reviewed a previous post I realized how truly weak I am. I said that I deleted all of my games and ways to make money, but I am doing them again. I freaked out at the financial burden of children's birthdays and Christmas, and then I read what I had called my most spiritual event. Well, if it was, I did not exercise much faith. Last night though, my daughter was mentioning how miraculous all of the events of my stories were, but none were at all embellished. She noted that things like seem common to me are unusually lucky for most people. It was then I remembered so many other things, that I ne er speak about, because I was sort of told they were only for me, and I did not want to entrust such happenings to someone else's scrutiny or criticism. I knew for a fact that they happened, and I can see plainly how many times I have been inexplicably rescued. Two of my most obvious were when I needed dentures and when I fell down the stairs entirely unharmed though many other items needed to be discarded due to damage, not to mention the fact that I am walking and breathing when my doctors explained that it was extremely unlikely that I would live, but certainly never be able to walk again. It was so phenomenal at the time that the doctors who worked on me in the hospital requested that I return and show them, and my personal pyschologist/neurologist/therapist asked for permission to publish a story about me. I knew that it was a big deal, but like 9/11 it has sort of faded in significance. But, as I was thinking about things that are "me" and those that are done to "me", I realized that though my will had not been changed, my trajectory had been altered by inabilities, so, I thought, hmmmm, maybe that means because I struggle with Icelandic, but still Excel at other languages, maybe that is intentional sort of for my good. Well, what can I determine from that sort of thought? Well, I still love Icelandic and will never abandon it, maybe because it is something more a part of me than I realize. Honestly, do we even need to realize who we are to become who we are?

I think I am going to withdraw the money I have made for Christmas gifts qnd then delete my games a new because it is rett. 😉

belong

It is Halloween, yippee! I still do not feel like I live here. It sort of feels like a dream or like I am living here while I visit my parents. I am considering getting some chickens to raise, or maybe guineas or ducks, it remains to be seen. I feel like that might ground me a bit.

    Honestly, I think it is because I am neither sealed to these people or have had this home blessed, and because those things have not been seen to they must not be seen as important. I have repeatedly expressed my desire to have our home blessed, but nothing has happened. I figure it is like all of the other promises, or rather they seemed like promises to me, like repainting the porch and replacing the door ( both were supposed to have been done before we move in ). Nick has also said that he was going to make our garage a "man cave" in September. Tomorrow is November and no steps have been taken. As I type this here, I begin to understand my thoughts and feelings a bit more clearly, and it makes sense why I do not feel like I belong.

black holes

I got to thinking, and realized brilliant thoughts are more likely when in a warm bath dye to an increase of blood flow, thus o2 to the brain, so where is my great thought? 

Instead, I realized that my parents still are and will likely always be slightly better than me, even when they get old, they are more fit and talented than me. When my parents were my age they always out performed me, which is fine...I have kids, only trouble is my kids are much better than me as well, already. So, my parents are amazing, my siblings are almost perfect, my kids out score everyone so that they are nearly off the charts most of the time, I attribute that to their father who is also incredibly intelligent and able and likely the reason, I can never seem to put my finger on why staying youthful and thin is important to me... but what I realized was that I was a huge zero. I am a black hole. Realizing everyone else's greatness should prove to me that I am awesome, too, but it only makes me feel like a total failure, until I realized that I was a black hole and no one really knows what is going on there..... but every family, eh universe has one, a massive one... all I can say is that there needs to be an opposition in all things, so it us because I am so mediocre that makes everyone else seem so wonderful.....got a movie scene in my head (  https://youtu.be/H5lZ4czTR4o?si=8lzEV95D4sdlJzmx )

it is always insignificant instructions?

I get caught in frustrating loops, and one such just happened. It was in a sentence that could be described a peripheral. A man was talking about how from our early days we begin molding who we are, and who we are never naturally is who we need to be. They was the point, and it was a subpoint to a larger lecture point. But, in his lecture he said that his mother told him not to eat with his hands. This disturbed me, because in my mind one cannot possibly eat without using your hands, and then I would fail to see the larger more important picture. This happens quite often to me, like in Kindergarten, a teacher scolded me for improperly coloring in the lines, she told me that I ought not leave white places within my pictures when coloring. Only now do I understand her criticism. It effected me for years. I went on to be scolded for using too much crayon and scribbling too darkly, but I tried to protest that no matter how hard I scribbled there was some white that would show through. It must be caused by cheap crayons. And more recently, yet long ago, a psychologist gave me a sheet of paper and asked me to fold it in half, so I did, but he stopped the assessment right then because I had not followed his directions and that was a larger issue that needed to be addressed. I had folded the paper in half lengthwise. I was not trying yo be difficult or different, though that was what he claimed my issue was, when I went in hopes to find a way to reactivate dormant parts of my brain causing my hemiparalysis. I had reclaimed my sight, through working on my visual cortex, so I hoped that working on using my entire brain, I could recover all that had been lost. He was first assessing what damage had been done, and years later I observed a test frequently given to stroke victims to aid in recovery after the incident. I believe that is what my Doctor/therapist would have accomplished if I had not messed up.