been on my mind

I need actually NEED to type about this to vent a bit:

I am first off upset that I am doing everything that has brought me success in the past but constantly fail. I do not feel upset though, just bewildered. It is almost like I put off a stay clear vibe, because I have been here for years now and still feel like I don't belong, naw it's not like that feeling, I do not belong. Even though I have done everything tha normally endears me to others/ I try to be friendly, yet I have no friends. I do not KNOW why. I speculate, that I have a built-in intimidation factor, kinda like a golfer's handicap.

Enough of that foolish thought though. Point is that I feel on the brink of something. I probably ought to be taking s very deep breath cause it's going to be a dooozy, so why am I so giddy? because I know how much my last set back did for me, though I'm not a masochist or anything. I'm nearly excited at the opportunity to grow again. I feel really blessed to have been chosen to suffer so much. I honestly cannot even fathom a more horrible experience than being disabled and divorced just as the economy crashes, but I am who I am today because of that, and for nearly the first time, I actually like me.

Now, where did my last post go? I wrote about my little fantasy.. ahhh! I know, I'll find it.

I'm actually suprised that the kids are still asleep. I wish I was, but if I go to bed I will feel groggy and not want to get up again, but I must. Nick has plans for us, and he tends to stay places very late. I am just too polite and thoughtful, if I said so, I could have what I want, but I just always put everyone else first. ok, I heard Joseph.