bad advice

In my hubris of youth I was given the advice to never bring up my ex-husband, and I failed and thought it was good advice although initially I thought it bad, I figured that was just my "know-it-all" self talking.

However, as I have had time to consider all of my regrets, this was not one of them, this was a guilt that I carried for years believing that I had disobeyed good advice. But, now that I am sufficiently humbled I see that it is never good to hide the truth and that frankly was bad advice.

My husband purposefully never talks about his former spouse and that hurts me alot. A spouse is not an old flame, or crush or something. If you marry someone they are chosen family and never referring to them is refusing to mention a significant part of yourself. Often, I would assume he was secretly still in love with her, or when he listened to certain songs or lingered in memories of the past it was her he was thinking of, though when accused he denied it, the fact that he would keep it a secret anyway bothered me. And I realize now that such advice would be appropriate for dating, but not marriage. What you never speak of is a secret and secrets ought not exist in a marriage.

To this day, I still wonder whenever he is quiet if it is because he is thinking about her.

My first husband had previously been married, but we had never been given such advice. He talked freely about her or about any communication with her, and I felt like that was healthy. It would be wrong to feel threatened in a marriage by a failed marriage.

Or, so it would seem to me now, I may yet realize a wisdom in it, in the future, but for now, I will not feel guilt over failing to heed stupid advice.