Frustrated!!!!

I was getting so extremely not patient. I want to stay in the bounds of what is right, but I often reach a point where I am so frustrated that I don't even care. I want to say, "well, it was nice waiting around with you, but I am not getting any younger and I am tired of waiting".

There is a living scripture cartoon called "Bread from Heaven." And in the begining a boy  wants to go do what is right, but got weary of waiting for some Savior. But, Ironically, that is who comes and sort of repurposes the boys life. I thought, wish I could do that, maybe there is a coping lesson in there for me. So, I reviewed it in my mind and thought, That's it! I need to find and follow the Savior, it seems like no one could help me and no one will even comprehend my trouble. Then, I thought, Hannah does and surely if she does then God does and he is mindful and will help me the best way I need. I believe that. My answer is to study my scriptures and pray seriously and intently. We were sent to earth as an opportunity to see what we desire. I desire God's plan of happiness and I always have, but I just cannot sustain the belief that this family is the center of happiness for me.

I seperated worlds in my mind today and decided that I had made not binding committment other than the one I made to Brandall. So, if I know that I do not want to be eternally with Nick - a new pararagrah for that thought. My choice is what do I choose as evidence of my disregard for the ways of the earth and men, but the way of God and eternity. I would rather suffer terrible torrments for the rest of mortality than live forever in misery.

My final conclusion was that I was still needed by the children, and, God knows and promises that no one will be denied eternal blessings if they are truly earned. I will be held resonsible for the care of these children. I do love them and they are precious beyond any other prize. I will not give my eternal life for them, but if I help them the best I can then I will be helped, too.

Yesterday, I realized how much I actually hate Nick. I didn't think I ever even could feel so terribly about anyone, but where much is given much is expected. At FHE, it was the last straw when he ignored us all and did his own thing. No good thing about his even comes close to making putting up with him forever worth it. Especially when it comes to things that are significant to me. I used to think that we wanted the same things and what makes us different is our pace not our direction, but, pace is what I am talking about. If he knows something is true. But doesn't do it. I suppose it is motivation and I Am not and do not care to be a motivation. He has his,agency and his choice is clearly not me. So, why peresist?