the ultimate

Much has lead me to this point it is not at all a sudden conclusion, the accountability for such thought is my own. I am responsible for the idea. My conclusion is that I have made such a terrible mistake that I fear even admitting it. But my more firm conclusion in these last days of this era of life is that, I was right in my assumption that our actual physical appearance is of little consequence. It really is.

If I loved someone, their physcal or changing beauty would matter very little to me. But, something matters very much! That something is often replaced with attraction which makes us feel happy as long as it lasts, but it does not last and I thought that I would find real love in ignoring physical attraction, but my mistake was in assuming there would be something else. That something else  is what we are all always looking for. So often it comes later when we resolve to love, come what may, Then we discover a greater love, but I discovered nothing. It was a huge void. Normally the advice would be to go back to what first attracted you, and that would be a good place to start over. I have only ever found those attractive that would never even consider me because I was not atractive enough and now, it is too late, I'm old and to the point where the physical part is fading, so how do you get to know more?

 Hindsight tells me that I was actually beautiful, though I never thougt so. I was always waiting to some future event, "to play out like a scene straight from the silver screen." I thought you found true love in the nature of a person online, because you weren't biased or blinded by hormones or anything, but I was wrong. I think if I had been truly right, it would not be hard to convince me, and If my husband was such a wonderful guy then what would he be doing with a messed up girl like me? I was divorced and disabled and looking for escape. Who in their right mind would have anything to do with that?

I only wanted to say one thing. I do not look the way I want to, but I am a person who is attractive to someone, who will feel as strongly about my welfare as I do his. It is scary because I do not know that such a person exsists. It's like that leap of faith scene in "The Temple of Doom". Indy cheats and tosses out pebbles instead of just stepping out blindly. I used to get so upset that I did not look like the girls in the games and pornography that interests my husband, but now I just don't care. It really doesn't matter. It is not my looks that will make me so incredibly attractive anyway. I do not only believe this a little bit. I KNOW I am so much more than my physical appearance. Though I never bought that "sweet spirit" crap either. It is no better than our appearance, something we have control over to change. There is an unchanging me, I believe it is what thew world refers to as the "heart" as in "listen to your heart" etc.