In too deep, well I can swim

Everything was fine when it was believed that I was so stupid to not know what was going on, but then thinking I just might get it...that joke just isn't funny anymore and the concern is that I would be angry that I was being made a fool.

If that were the case, I ought to feel bad for leading you to think that I was ignorant. I assumed that would be impossible. You even said that I was brilliant. Your guilt says you never actually believed that.

I certainly meant no more than to establish a relationship even if fake hands shaked, it was all figurative anyway, but the part that was sincere still is.

This is far more important than you

Nothing

Walking in the cold

I was actually thinking about how Lehi, Jesus and basically anyone we use as an example was ostracized in their community and it is odd to consider the things they teach as "conservative". The Jewish body as a whole were so angered by anyone trying to rock the boat that they sought a penalty of death for those who taught anything that offended them John the Baptist is a good example, but the very actions we want to emulate...um, but then Nick left without warning. He ought not warn anyone anyway as his doings had nothing to do with us anyway.

Often, I keep doings to mysrlf so as to not bother him. But, earlier, I wanted to simply go to the grocery store to pick up 2 things Mary needed, but he refused to tell,me a pin number and insisted that it was too cold, and so my muding turn to that. Sure it was brisk, but not hardly as cold as it usually is when we walk. His issue was not that I walk in the cold but that it reflect  poorly on him if I was seen walking in the cold when he could have helped me. And that sort of irks me to the point that I took it here to rant. If it was a concern of me, he could have easily shared the PIN number of the card he uses that is in my name, that I actually needed and asked for, but he refused to tell me which any husband would have and then expressed a concern for my being outside in the cold which he did not. So, now, it is bedtime and he is gone and never mentioned to a soul where he was going. I wonder if he even ever feels the slightest obligation to his family.

Lethal lifestyle

Instantly, words like "super size" come to mind when I say Lethal Lifestyle, but whatI am expressing a concern regarding is more akin to my husband saying that he cannot live places due to some allegry or asthma or something that would kill him. I am very easy going. I almost always give up my comfort for others, but being so easy going has most likely become toxic. Every malady that he bemoans is one I have deslt with, too, only less publically. For example he claims that he cannot fast due to hypoglycemia. I have been hypoglycemic sinfe birth, and so I adapt rather than complain that I cannot do things which have been commanded, like fasting. There is definately a way, his issue is complacancy and lack of desire, and so he just accepts a "sub" life.

Incase I never get there, I need to speak about how I clearly need to forgive because Nick is killing me.I was healthy and on the road to full recovery, but instead of being supportive and encouraging or joining in, he instead in most cases pulled me down with him. I should not see him as below me, but I do and if I stay, I will have to accept dying as a way of life.

I always believed that diversity was a strength and so I accepted how different everything is, but there is something most essential missing. There is practically no love. Infact, I actually love random homeless folk and beggers far more. Often, I have concluded that there is very little acceptable about him, in fact he is most disagreeable.

I am pretty sure I am dying, and he cannot wait till I die cause he can blame that on me. He has openly said that he would remarry, and that he should. As soon as the children are mature enough to not be sucked into his sort of lifestyle. If I sm still around, I will not be here. But, the children need me right now, of that I am certain, and I have promised to nurture and protect them and make sure they know what is the best way to live, living it is their choice, and that is why I am here, he would force them to do as he wishes, but not setting an example of what he tells them.

I am not silly enough to name this year as one wherenecessary changes take place, but I am certain Heavenly Father will provide a way for me to be sealed to one I love and who cherishes me, forever. That's really not my concern right now. I heard a quote from Sherri Dew today where she said if prayers and temple attendanfe won you blessings she would surely have a husband... I think she may. There are countless stalwart men who are not sealed to anyone either and maybe by demonstrating that much faith and dedication she has earned far better than this world can offer...there is a Brad Paisley song, I think, about how life couldn't get better, yet it always does. Being a mother is a significant part of this life and that is my concern....not details.

Notice the terrible language used  to describe my husband. Because, I can get so angry and blame it is a clear indication that I need to forgive and move on, or I never will. I just get to upset at all of the squandered potential and the numerous times I have suffered almost worse than death with no sympathy whatsoever from a man who considers himselfy legal husband. It is clear he habors no lovr or concern for me or his family instead he was worried about appearing to be a butt kisser so he quit his job and struggles and makes us all suffer for his pride. It seems that he has no concern for his family at all. Especially how he reguses to even take part in FHE.

Wonder what it means

Brooksie, Mary, and I were all born with blondish hair and blue eyes. Mom used to say I was all-american. I thought, Arian, but my hair darkened as did theirs,  but why? It makes me think it couldve been a survival mechanism, but I wonder if I am not now what I will be.

David Blaine for president

Things are not how they appear, the recent Election taught me that. Politians used to appear pleasing to constituents, but often they were not and so the next trick was to discover what an official was trying to hide and expose it then they would not be elected, right? So, it is not even stragtegy to hide things that one wants to be found out to appease those who are seeking to hide what they really want to. Now, I think the best politician is the one who can entirely fool us into security because, face it, no one is going to fit what is expected.

It seems out of a more open society,  our officials grow either more bold or more comfortable in their "sins" so as to openly be so dishonest and outlandish that we might all scratch our heads and say, "The truth is stranger than fiction". So, isn't that what magic is?

Recently, I was tryingbto figure out how a divine right became a figure head,  do I might better understand how elections have devolved, but instead I am realizing they never did, elections and the whole French Revoltion that I believed in was just a good transition from faith to reason, neither seems promising. We simply elect the best entertainer to be our figure head, the power one truly wields in their power to appear strong and right, not be that, I think.

Ok, my daughter is nagging for a drink. That requires serious attention, not this silly rambling.

Immovable

On two points I remain unchanged after nearly 10 years of this.

1) the jets won't bother you, you hardly notice them after you've been here a while.

2)My husband should have married a Utah  girl.

The jets do bother me and have not changed in the slightest on the annoyance scale, maybe nothing has I certainly do not feel at home here, although I should. The people are great! And exactly what I would order if I could think out and plan what sort of people I'd like to surround myself with.

I was taught that it is always a matter of perspective. The way you "see" things is the only thing that makes something wonderful vs terrible.

A list was made of things that are universally seen as aweful, and they were called struggles or trials. Then, we were asked to make a list of things that bring us joy, and the leader of the discussion suggested that we already had, it was just a matter of how we saw things. I want to use children as an example. Do I even need to explain deeper? On the surface one can see all of the struggles raising children brings,  but when asked what made people truly happy, I mean really, really, really happy. And instantly without thinking children and grandchildren were listed. And, honestly, they were the first thing to come to mind for me, too. It is immediately apparent that the things that bring the most joy are things we struggled to accomplish. Like it is written that her days were accomplished. Hah! Sounds like someone has reached her due date. But, amid the trial it can be a source of Happiness, too. We can focus on the end goal or see it as the path or means, but how we actually see an event or situation can make it seem a punishment or reward. Children are a great example. Being pregnant can seem like a struggle or ordeal, or it can seem like a joyous blessing.

Ok, enough about that.