Dare I say it?

No, I am too tired to say anything, I'll just,dream it and wake up refreshed for having acted upon a notion.

Not afraid, just not stupid

There have been two diferent times sort of the same thing happened and I feel like the pharoah who had a dream that he couldn't shake, but how noble of him to bother looking for answer to a dream. It seems like he could have just said,  they were just dreams, nothing more, but it was his dire need to know what it meant that ended up meaning a very important consequence that would effect all mankind.

Anyway, the first time was more of an idea that came in a visible way. Next, came a dream, full blown with sound and of those I think they are called lucid dreams where you retain a memory of feelings,even when I woke up. It did 2 things 1) made me wonder why we do not just live in dreams, I could not see an advantage instantly of waking up. 2) I wanted so much to go back to that same dream again, I felt like I  ought to have behaved differently, it was a dream afterall.

I cannot return to my dream, but I could try to model life after it. I suppose that is what people call having and chasing your dream. But, when we had a lesson yesterday about Ester I thought about Torchwood, no. Just kidding, I thought about how terrifying it would have been for her to know that she was risking her life in speaking to the king. I bet she rehearsed a billion times what she would say. And then starving for 3 days, have you ever tried it? Talk about being glittery, and exhausted, but that Corr's song says when you're young you don't even need sleep or food anyway. And she was young, but I know that we only fasted 1 day for Aaron Murphy, but it was miraculous. I think it will stay with me, written in the inner parts of,my heart, reminding me what a focused good a group fast and prayer can do. The world is just now catching up and realizing that prayer does unexplained good for the recipient, and the giver.

Someone noted that when we speak things out loud it solidifies in our beings, and that is a reason for testimony meetings.

It has been long since accepted that there are benefits to prayer and positive thinking, though it is unexplained has never been an issue for religion. People are happy and do not know why and do not need to know why. Then, the world pretends to discover things as they joyfully accept what mysteriously was known all along.

So, now on to why I do not chase after my dream, if I do want it to become a reality, no matter how real a dream seems it is a dream and not a place or thought that we can return to the thoughts that created a place so perfect. I have actually prayed for Such a reality, but do not confront because It would be foolish, there is no mortal consequence or anything that prevents me out of fear of death, like Ester, but, a certain sense of bounderies. Also, because I love the idea so fully, I do not desire to ruin any chances I could have, by speaking on a hope.

It is a dream that I am so obsessed with that I am going to have to have more faith than I have to achieve, and it would be like going to a gun fight without a gun. I do not fear for my life, I fear for possible regret. So, I'll conclude with a favorite quote as of yesterday."not shrinking is far more important than surviving"

Soapbox

This or that. This obviously, no, that. Oh, I am sick to death on the temporary peace that comes when I think that I have finally decided, then some foolish,thing seems to weasel it's way into my short lived peace of mind. This goes either way. I just want to make up my mind and stick with it.

It would be so easy, and a comment on a show plays in my head: "I have no right to be anything but happy." Or when I felt the stinging barbs pricking at my peace of mind I thought, oh that is,just Satan trying to keep me,from being happy. He wants others to be miserable,like himself or just keep me from achieving anything that would make me truly happy.

Then, I started thinking well, Isn't it just me who isn't happy with this all and though I can suppress it, I cannot do so indefinitely. I will live forever.

It boils down to basically what I believe, not what actually is. I believe that there is so much good I can do and I will be an instrument for good, though I might have to be strong enough to go against what my friends and family think is Better for me. They are not me.

I believe so many quirky things that have not been documented, but enough of them have been and so I decide they all must be true. I believe the doctrine of Love is the most important and it is key to surviving mortality and paramount beyond mortal life. Mostly, I see that, and it really breaks my heart, my husband doesn't believe the same things as I do, like if something is right, do it, and if you really value it, treated it so. He constantly does things that are little, but remind me that though he speaks well, his heart is not in agreeance. I can relate to that, but I want him to change what is in his heart, whereas I want to change my mind.

We find peace when my heart alligns with his mind, but then my head hates the actions of his heart so much that I feel repulsion and disgust, then turn that disgust back on myself for disturbing the peace which would make everyone happy.

I just wonder if it is correct. When it is a matter of Joseph and Mary (my children not the parents of Jesus) then, hands Down always what is best for them always wins. But, who decides what is best?

Time to act on information

I had been perfectly content to reason out why I ought to do what I want to do, but this morning, things,became more than I can deal with and it was composed in my heart forever and I can say that I know never changing what love is and why it is so necessary.

There simply are things that no matter how well we understand them we cannot act accordingly. The power to act comes from our hearts.

In things I have studied about our Brains, I learned that science was partially right, which causes more confusion than ignorance, it was believed that a person resided in their heart. The heart made up cognitive self and a heart transplant would change the identity of the body.

Now, we think it silly, but at the time, scholars found it most reasonable. The time has come in which I must act upon things that are not reasonable but true. I had to be backed into a figurative corner to do so.

I feel like a gentle animal who has all of the ability to be ferocious, but is as docile as can be until it has no other choice.

I am very sick and just need a bit of rest. I locked the girl's room so that Mary would stay in bed. I made sure everyone was cared for and taken care of. But, at 2:30 Mary showed up making demands, I had barely fallen asleep, which I had to despite Nick's terribly loud and obnoxious shooting game. Now, everyone is awake and screaming demands, and I simply cannot take it. Still, Nick is asleep quietly in his bed. If I did not believe fully in life after death and justice, or in other words, God. I would kill myself.

But, instead I hear the cries and think of how I will be held accountable for my stewardship as a mother. I know undeniably that though it makes little sense I simply must have love. It makes me care for the children when my reflex is to take care of myself. Regardless of what he professes, Nick is not good for anyone in this family. Infact, it is mostly, despite him, and he causes almost every difficulty while relieving none. He would rather just call me selfish than consider anything that would undeniably be needful for everyone else in this family.

I am making a definite plan, that will not be understood, but does not need to be, I am tired of trying my hardest to do things that bring immediate happiness and resolution but fade into this. If I cannot handle these trials without love, I can never expect to weather storms to come.

I don't do it right

I see others writing wonderful blog posts that help improve the quality of life for others and I sincerely want to help. I believe the most helpful person helps themself first, and that was,my intent, after I secured my oxygen mask I would help others, sort of thing, but I feel like the little snail climbing up the side of the well. I go up a scoot but then down and I am not sure of the amount of progress if any, it is like watching a baby grow it happens, but we never see it happening.

I have no doubt that the babies,need me more desperately then the older children, but I know that if I am,not a devoted part of their life I will regret it. It is difficult. I know Joe and Mary require me to stay alive, and the other children have a need beyond that.

Urrrgh! I do believe that if there is an answer then God would have it,and he really will give as need arises. I need help. I want to do the best thing, but do not KNOW completely what that is.

(Note:another note written in Feb. 2013 and published now)

My conclusion, today

I don't really even know why I bother summing things up for myself, but I do it, and lest I forget, here is my conclusion today:

My troubles stem from the fact that my husband doesn't know me or try to learn anything.

I struggle, like everyone, to present a calm appearance, like I can do everything, and yet, truth is, I am very disabled on top of getting older. I need to have tasks equal to what I can.do or else I get depressed, and I do not think this is uncommon.

I spend hours on facebook and writing crap here because I am dying to share thing but do not have anyone to tell. I am a radioactive atom, with an unstable outer energy level bound to cling to some element, you never find s Helium molecule by itself. It is just unnatural to exsist like this, so I quickly remarried, which ought to have done the trick, but, if dating was any indication, and were I mentally competent, I would have known it would not solve anything really. But, what do I know?

Well, actually, I'd like to tell you what I know, if anyone would listen.

Elmo's Potty Time

I put this under private because technically, I am not suppose to muse publically like this anymore, but we all remember back to my ABC diet how I can spin things so as to not ever really break a rule, in theory, but there was a section of that film, "Elmo's Potty Time" where listening to your body is taught as the key to success. So, I have thought a lot about what would make my misery a success. While I was pondering that I recalled an interview with Jodie Foster, where she explained that.she didn't have all of the learned technique that cohorts did and occasionally this made her feel insecure, but.everything that she needed to be successful was inside of her. This is a lot like a guy in a class at church when we were discussing how we knew that there had to be a Heavenly Father, he talked about nurture vs. Nature and cited a tiny seed that had all the direction,it needed inside of it to,be a tree, yet it needed a certain environment. The point was that.seeds don't necessarily look,like trees at all, but it will become a tree, God willing, ok that was intended humor.

My dad used to say, "I was as you are and you shall be as I am." Stupidly, I used to hope not. He did not mean that I would look like him. As much as I admire his greatness, it is the same thing/qualities that are somewhere inside me, my environments bring out different traits, but I can become like my parents.

My "body" is looking for some sort of outlet. I tried food, movies, a bubble bath, and more, but writting things here filled some sort of need, like scratching an itch.

I know that I must save some words for my prayers, and I will, but there are things that I will not pray about because I do know that our prayers are heard and our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. But, the things that might make me happy might hurt others a whole lot.