couch covers

Car bras and couch covers, if they are not for their own esthetic beauty, are pointless. I have always been a bit confused about them, although I understand putting in much effort now to pay off later. This morning as I did my silly morning "workout" thinking my 80 self will really benefit from my devotion to making such movement a habit. Kari Hooper said something profound about it the other day. She said, " I do all of these squats tobuild the strength I will need to perform everyday tasks when I need to." Wow! Maybe that is like car bras and couch covers, though they seem pointless now, the consequences will be appreciated, and it is a bit like the wise virgins who brought oil, it made a profound difference though it didn't even have a real purpose at the time.

spiders

I was drying a pair of pants to get the wrinkles out when I saw a spiderweb and started thinking about how small they were. How on earth could they recall where it was safe to make a web and where they would more likely be spotted and killed. Plus, know how to make the stinking web in the first place. It was then I used to always just think I was so brilliant when I remembered what I had learned about evolution and epigenetics, and The matter was u derstood, appreciated, and life could continue as usual. 

This was precisely when a typical young person would seek for answers from their phone. But, I had seen a cool video/talk given by David A. Bednar about how we can be instruments of the spirit without knowing it, in fact, we do not even need to fret about that, just be good. He mentioned how he struggled with a choice he was "inspired" to make about going to see a basketball game. He thought it was his own thoughts, even his wife said he would do anything to get out of a meeting to see his son play ball. But, looking back it was plain to see as things played out, that he had Infact been a tool of God and "inspired".likewise,  I have realized time and time again, that I of myself am nothing, but through me incredible things are said and done. Others just say I am being humble or not giving myself enough credit, but really, it was not from me.

One last story. I was in a meeting and a baby was really really being unruly, and one lady just got up, though she did not even know the people, she comforted them and calmed/soothed the baby. Afterwards, I tried to praise her for what she had done, and she said, "I was just being human. It is nothing more than what anyone would have done." But, I knew though she might not have, that was Christlike love. She had become his hands, so to speak.

She tried to convince me it was nothing. She had been raised in a village where everyone helped raise every child so it was ingrained in her to just help where help is needed. But, combine that story with Bednar's talk and it becomes clear what is going on here and everywhere.

working it out

I think I understand the lure of a pocket know-it-all.  Just moments ago I thought of something and wanted an answer, but I knew the answer I would get would be incorrect  as I usually do know, but ask anyway to fill my quota of diverse opinions. I thought, asking God just makes more sense if I wanted the truth, but ah, HAH! That's it! How does he speak to me if I ask? And that lead me to realize why teens seem so wrong like all of the time! It is understandable.  They want an answer to their questions and they want it to be easy... the internet is full of easy, quick answers. No matter how complex one gets. There is an expert ready to lead you that way. My mom explained it as: we already know what we are looking for. But, we are looking for support, and regardless which perspective we take we find support and feel justified in that perspective. Thinking, experts support my view do it is superior, dopamine hit! So, next time we have a problem, without thinking, our brain yearns for another hit, so we reach for our easy answers instead of talking to the sky, or how it can feel, anyway. There is no dopamine thrill that comes everytime we pray... the opposite could potentially happen. A lady once said in a class I was in, "If I believed that every question deserved a similar response, I would never pray, because it is documented what happened to Joseph Smith when he got frustrated at the expert opinions a day decided to ask God....no sooner was he seized upon by an overpowering doom and helplessness. She explained that if that happened to every prayer, then I would not venture to pray."

New Hypothesis

 Just had this thought: When I fast, I lose weight, and if it is weight loss that I seek, there must be a way I can get it without the damage of starvation and malnutrition. I could scientifically figure out what is causing my weight to jump up so much, by testing just one thing, until I discover if anything could be eaten without weight gain. I suppose the end I will be able to know that my weight gain is not at all related to diabetes or anything unhealthy, in fact, in the hospital years ago, I could not be discharged until my body proved it could gain weight because that was a sign of health. but all of these stupid apps and websites tell me that I am killing myself by being so overweight. As if all women didn't already feel insecure about their weight, being told constantly that I am unhealthy makes me feel like a slothful and unwise steward of this body, so i did what they suggested to perfection, but I am still overweight and getting worse. so, I need to step in and put my foot down. This has got to stop! I already discovered many of my "connected devices" were giving me false information, big surprise there!! It gave me a pulse that was off by over 50 bpm and also gave high blood pressure warnings, so I had several double checks and it is actually on the far lower side, same with my water percentage it read low, so I drank and drank for weeks, but then stopped and it went up. I found that it had been calculated from other factors.... just like BMI was calculated based on what is typical for others. I do not believe I am actually over weight. If anything I am on the small side. even at the temple, the workers gave me a size large because I was so tall, but I could fit about three of me in the jumper, it was falling off of me

So, I will start after Friday's Pizza, so I can get an accurate result.

I bet this is similar to how low carb diets were discovered, and it actually can reverse a sort of diabetes.

morning thought

It is wrong to assume that everyone who is trying to loose weight through regular fitness is overweight. That is what caused me to become overweight...chasing regulations and rules to a t, and when what others claimed worked for them failed for me, I looked for some other rule to live by, so I have stopped it for good, and will simply age by following the growth cycle I was intended for. Weight is most surely NOT the standard to follow and track for growth... sorta comically obvious, huh?

more time

I decided to focus more on self improvement than fitness. And so, I realized how weak I was becoming because I was relying on timers and diets and plans and I was hyper focusing on doing them exactly. I know what my Brother said about exact obedience, and I believe that 100%. But, doing 100% the wrong thing will not produce the right effect. No matter how carefully you adhere to all of the planting instructions of a seed, if you plant the wrong seed it will not magically become the one you meticulously prepared and hoped for. I stopped counting steps even for money because that felt like putting trust in the arm of flesh, when in every single need I ever had... God was there and he always has my back, and I do believe that. Unlike David, I will noy be slaying any giants, or crossing the red sea like Moses, but I'll get there. " The first step to avoid a trap is knowing if it's existence."(from the movie Dune). And I was ensnared by the health and fitness allure. It is always a good thing that traps ya. It is the part that you kniw cannot be a trap and it isn't, it is true, but it is mingled with false bits. 

I was having a moment of reflection regarding fasting. I still struggle with it, although I know it is meant to weaken me, it gives me what I want...but, perhaps the opportunity cost is too high.

I want to rest now, before the kids come home and I need to work on being selfless a bit more and will get plenty of opportunity.

I am setting tons of little habit focused goals to slowly convert me into a much more outward focused person.

morning thoughts

My failures have been from looking to the majority for answers. What do I absolutely know? That fasting, though will make me loose weight, does not make me healthy.

I have a higher than typical BMI, but, I do not believe that I need to loose weight. I try so hard to do what is suppose to increase my health or fix health problems and it fails. And when "experts" offer advice that I feel certain would work, it doesn't and I feel broken, and so I claim that it was a lie all along, simply because so many other diets and health tricks were obviously scams, I believe myself merely a bit naive. 

This morning, I am thinking about how I am stuck on this idea that I am insulin resistant, but really, I have only one reason to believe so. My waist line is probably large enough... I am not sure if my measurements are correct. But, every single other indicator is negative, so maybe I have been wrong to assume that. I was wrong in thinking my blood pressure was high, and even a doctor took blood work tests and determined that I was diabetic, but  when I was sent to a nutritionist she looked at my food history journal and told me I was absolutely not diabetic, I simply had an abnormally high blood sugar, but honestly, if it was a problem with improper function of my hormones/insulin I would have other signs. Then,my waist was 21 inches, and she cited that having a larger waistline was a positive for having a problem, but my body simply functioned that way. Ok, so I learned not to trust any expert, she is probably incorrect, as well. In comparison to others who had troubles, I was an outlier. I still am, and so all of these stupid internet crowdsourced diagnosisies and solutions find no application for me and it is frustrating.  It is also frustrating when technical/pc solutions do not work for me cause they would be very helpful if that was my problem, but usually it is more complex.

Basically, my issue boils down to if I am going to kill myself because I want to be like everyone else or follow the world's instructions, or if I will pray and patiently wait for a truth from my creator, as to what I ought to be focused on  and what my solution is. This morning, I choose the later, but wonder if I have enough bravery to allow myself to be different and accept that beautiful and healthy for me might not be what is accepted.

It would really be so easy to just fast until I weighed the right amount. But, I have too many sources of information that go against that route,  besides what would I really be losing if I became uncomely?

morning brain dump

This seems backwards, but appropriate for what is onmy mind. One expert claims it is best to dump all of pir thought before we go to sleep,  another states it is best to dump all our thoughts cause the accumulate at night. So we can betterremember them. Except, the more we dump the less we have to member so whatever system we have in place to know things actually weakens. So, with age, I reccommend using fewer apps. It is like using a wheelchair, when you Don't absolutely need it yet. You will become reliant/dependent on it and you will get around all right, but you will lose you freedom in one aspect. It is all about opportunity cost as my daughter so perfectly put it.

Anyhow, I had been aware of how our weight fluctuates for various reasons, but mine seemed a little high, so I disconnected everything, like what I did with my DNA results, and even turned the blue tooth off and weighed myself again, and I was 8 lbs lighter. Perplexed, I tried again, and got the same result. Had my scale decided that I ought to weigh, and then I checked out other body composition facts and realized the relationships I thought were direct and causation, meaning that if I wanted one I could manipulate the other, and it worked,  or did it? They always moved in tandem,  exactly so. SoI deduced they were actually not determined by sensation, but by algorithm. So, my "smart" scale ticked me off and I want a dumb one that does not determine anything. So, for my birthday,  I might get an old school analog scale. I can figure/calculate anything else I need to know if I had solid facts of what is.

morning brain dump

I am slowly realizing that quantifying everything is not healthy. I remember when I was watching "A Beautiful Mind" I kept thinking how brilliant the notion was that John Nash could form a algorithm for practically anything. Now, I am realizing, not everything ought to be quantified and analyzed. What so often seemed like brilliance to me was a neat physical trick is all. This very morning as I was reading the words of Jacob from the book of Mormon, I was struck by how many things he understood, and how it would take me so extremely long to grasp so much of what he said.... oh yeah, it was probably because he didn't have a cellphone.  Oh heck, I am sure there was something back there. There always is. Knowledge of truth does not come by thinking about it. Sensible. Likewise, though I really enjoy trying to find the reasonability of things. Ultimately, if I want to actually know something it is not going to be through reasoning. It reminds me of how AI can process so much faster and accurately that we do, but they cannot seem to grasp context or perform creative tasks that are judged by a different standard. Blah, blah, blah, my realization is that I was becoming weaker and weaker through my dependence on apps and tools to compensate for what I couldn't do easily. But, like lifting weights, growth comes from doing hard things. so, I deleted all of my calorie tracker and step counters. I do not need to measure them to feel healthy. And that was my take away this morning.

Plus, they are all too often wrong, when measured by the same measurements they measure... and I am tired of being confused why side of an equation do not equal.

It has taken considerable effort to reach this point. I feel like I would be so much happier if I could understand that the standard I use to measure my body image is terribly off, as well. I do not believe that achieving my desired physique with bring my any lasting happiness. It might actually, in the name of fitness, do me harm. But, I am not to the point where I can accept that, yet. So, until then I will continue losing weight and following my own working plan to achieve that.

Just thought this, If I prayed I could either feel my burden less, or be blessed with necessary insight. 

morning brain dump

I am sticking with it, and that seems to make all the difference. Really, it could have been any plan or habit, regardless of evidence, previous success or popularity, for me it would merely being a case of sticking to it, and the way I was able to do it was to stop looking up new ideas. When I started a routine regardless if it worked or not, as I got bombarded with ads and influencers trying to, well, Influence. And I would always fall prey to thinking that I actually was missing that routine or supplement and so I would give it a try, until the next routine caught my eye and each would have worked had I stuck and committed myself to it. 

This is the same lesson I learned at Youth Conference when I was young. The goal was to make it to the Celestial Kingdom, which required sticking with a plan and seeing it through. But, I got silly ideas about getting sealed to someone I didn't know/like and so I was halted for a long time, until I figured out what I needed to do and did it.... and though, I probably would have been persuaded to abandon I had done so before and regretted it. I would not allow this to happen again. It is similar to how you learn from a dream or story where you get a second chance because the mistake didn't really happen yet.

Yesterday, I found a better idea and nearly abandoned ship, until I realized that I was doing it again. There might be better ideas, but the one that succeeds is going to be the one that I can stick to. Which is the one I am currently using, regardless what negative self talk tries to persuade me from doing something. I am already committed, I am stubborn and will not alter until after I find that it did not work because, frankly, I am losing lots of weight already.... and that is why I even started looking around again anyway. I feel it is unhealthy because I am losing weight so fast, but, it is good and reassuring thing. I honestly believe that change is fast right now because I am snaping into who I should have been all along, and the pace will slow down once I reach that sweet spot where I belong, weightwise.

morning dump

This is a goal, I have no real discovery or point of interest to unveil, though I dod listen to a great talk about the significance of families, and most notable were two things, or rather I have two things to share that might be of some worth, as they were to me:

1) Many religions were gathered with different beliefs, but in common was the sanctity and importance of the family. Of note is that a Moslem leader shared verbatim the proclamation to the world on the family put out by the presidency of our church. The speaker explained that few things hold us all together firmly as the love of family does. We are all members of a family, afterall.

2) in opposition to our beliefs on the family is the world's.  But, even if. The world, the majority does know that the family is the best way to live and be happy, but for some reason the media presents loudly the view of the minority making it seem larger and more desirable.  

There, I did it. I can check it off as completed.

morning dump

I have started a new routine today that might last, or be the last, fingers crossed. It came about because I have been struggling with sleep prioritization, and had again decided that I needed to swap being daurnal (sp) for being nocturnal, because for years now I have not been able to sleep because my husband plays loud video games until 11pm, and though, I always believe that I could sleep regardless, I cannot. But, as always, I just have a sense about sleep and circadian rhythm that tells me that is a bad idea, so I recently asked Google if the 7hours of daily sleep need be at once, and it doesn't,  so I am going to adjust according to what obstacles I cannot change, and realistically I get about 3 - 4 hours of sleep at night, so, I will adapt a pattern of always sleeping 4 hours in the day. This will help in so many ways once I establish a solid rhythm. My body adapts well to cycles, it just wants consistancy and my new plan offers it, and I consume less, which also makes me happy because all my e ervise requires I eat more and I cannot afford to eat more, so I cannot afford to exercise so much. I will always move, just less, and consume less, so I use less mental energy concerned with how much I am getting to eat and if it will be enough....which honestly, it never was, and I ate to satisfy health plans, not craving.... if I had my way, I would practically never eat, and so I am excited for this new plan to take effect. It is ultimately all about doing what works for a long run.

morning brain dump

I have the most terrible headache. Usually, it is traceable, but I can think of nothing that would cause one so severe. I even checked the radar, and nothing, except for a severe alert, heat advisory still in effect, but I have done all of my exercise indoors for that very reason, so I don't know what is causing it. Unless I was right before in distancing myself from water flavor that is calorically free/negligent. I have been able to drink to my water goals because of it, though. But, it is not worth this headache.

morning thought

Nothing is actually working besides my ability to set the parameters of success around the results the way Goofy places a picture frame around a scribble that he cannot remove from the wall.

So, I am faced with a dilemma. I was going to use walking as a source of income, but I am trying to establish a habit of walking everyday at 10am (my body responds to consistancy) but, it is too hot to walk outside, and when I walk with a favorite video, I must have ads forced upon me, and it hurts my hip joint, so I use an video game on the wii. Only, this will not track on my fitness app so I must manually add it, but, that will not give me credit on my money making app. So, do I find a new app or find a new habit or simply ignore them both as neither concern ought to fill my thoughts. BUT, the reason I was doing walking at all was because it would allow me to stay active and make a but of money without having to focus on it, but turns out that is what I am having to do.

Ok, my reasoning now is to just delete the app, the stress was never to even be a part of it. It was suppose to just happen, not make my life change to fit it. That works well enough.

I will begin to search for some other method to accomplish that.

Happy day!

I found a way to make money without having to walk for miles outside in the heat! This means all round success for my less mobile games and less exercise...without giving up my only reliable source of income. Oh yeah, I lost 2 lbs after a month or two. Finally! Maybe I was holding on to it cause of stress of having to go outside, who knows,  who cares, all is good with the world today, and I am going to concentrate on others and strive to keep it that way.

run to regain piano skills?

Ok. Here is my report. I woke up early enough to run this morning, and the temperature was ideal, which is unusual in the dog days of mississippi summer, I got home, showered, did laundry, and made breakfast before the kids got home from seminary (I left with them to run, and my watch said it was a 25 minute jog). Report is, I felt great! And I could think more clearly than I had in some time, but ultimately I do not think such a practice is sustainable, I felt rushed, and I did not get as many " steps " as I wanted so that I may cease from making money playing scam games, so I will need to make a little adjustment. I still plan to run daily. I was inspired by an advertisement about an old man known by many as "the runner guy", who started waaay daunted by the thought of running even a mile, but he walked for years, but then just decided to jog a bit and the rest is history. 

As I started walking today, I thought, it is ok, sometimes it is better to just slow down and master that first and progression will naturally happen, I do not need to rush it, like my Hannon exercises, which frustrates me because I have already done that, been there, but to relearn properly requires a whole lot of patience, and as I sped up my metronome of exercise one, I realized that I was not ready, though I could do it, sorta, I needed to slow down and do it right before I sped up. I really think this same principle is true for running and the two complement each other.  I found that walking improves my Icelandic, so I extrapolate that running effort would make piano skills and patience improve.... but, though it worked well. I even did a Scottish shower for 30 seconds. Still, I am absolutely going to change how things are done, mostly because I feel zapped and the day hasn't even started yet.

love alone is worth the fight

I thought I was stubborn and immovable,  but contemplation of a handful of words spun into a song by "Switchfoot" have somehow softened me. All that seemed to have mattered melts away when I realize the why. Too often I truly do loose sight of why I do or even am. Ultimately, there has only been one fight or conflict. Though that same battle rages on under a multitude of guile. 

Most recently, I was trying to perfect my physical image without even understanding why. My youngest sister once explained something called retail therapy. It is where you are focused on obtaining that particular thing to the point that it seems like everything, and therefore sufficient to right any wrong. And it wasn't until I realized how terrible it is to listen to stupid internet ads all hours of the day, and I had overcome the lure of $$ once, I can do it again. And this song snapped my focus back to what matters. Money was never more than a means to accomplishing a thing that ultimately was not necessary.

Playing mobile Games is not bad, but it totally messes up my perspective.

Note merely to self: Look up. Remember that minivan trip to Ogden . Was it at all to do with money?

bad advice

In my hubris of youth I was given the advice to never bring up my ex-husband, and I failed and thought it was good advice although initially I thought it bad, I figured that was just my "know-it-all" self talking.

However, as I have had time to consider all of my regrets, this was not one of them, this was a guilt that I carried for years believing that I had disobeyed good advice. But, now that I am sufficiently humbled I see that it is never good to hide the truth and that frankly was bad advice.

My husband purposefully never talks about his former spouse and that hurts me alot. A spouse is not an old flame, or crush or something. If you marry someone they are chosen family and never referring to them is refusing to mention a significant part of yourself. Often, I would assume he was secretly still in love with her, or when he listened to certain songs or lingered in memories of the past it was her he was thinking of, though when accused he denied it, the fact that he would keep it a secret anyway bothered me. And I realize now that such advice would be appropriate for dating, but not marriage. What you never speak of is a secret and secrets ought not exist in a marriage.

To this day, I still wonder whenever he is quiet if it is because he is thinking about her.

My first husband had previously been married, but we had never been given such advice. He talked freely about her or about any communication with her, and I felt like that was healthy. It would be wrong to feel threatened in a marriage by a failed marriage.

Or, so it would seem to me now, I may yet realize a wisdom in it, in the future, but for now, I will not feel guilt over failing to heed stupid advice.

maybe

I have a reoccurring thought that the reason I failed is a time old version of what was warned even in the Bible. We need to surround ourselves with like-minded or at least like-intended individuals and pretty much all of my repeats and failures are not due to the incorrect desire of my heart, or even a lack of faith, but a lack of support.

An analogy would be someone wants an Xbox, but their parents say no. Ok. Simple, save up and get it on your own, or re organize that it must be wrong to want something they could not have.

just a quick flash of a thought

I needed to record this for the purpose of providing a history of my studies.

I always thought that my grandmother plans to become fit failed because I still gained weight, but it just occurred to me that I was not doing enough to counteract all of the weight gain, but it did all work, and I could have potentially gained so much more weight. As it is, I am only upset that I am normal and no longer underweight. I truly should be happy. In my 20's I weighed 140lbs, so if in my 50's I weigh 160, that is not terrible or a losing situation. Likely, I ought to be glad I  exercised so much, and if I truly watched the data I would see the good that all my effort was producing. It was what I was supposing should happened that meant failure, what actually happened was not a failure.

notes

Ask AI questions, sure but get answers only. We get and need revelation which comes from God.

Let technology support, not suplant revelation.

Do not be naive and gullible, but  consult wisdom previously obtained to be the decider of your fate.

Anchor choices in doctrine! And use multiple witnesses before deciding on truth.

this is that day

As my mind dwelt on several happenings where my ability to judge was difficult ultimately I had to rely on what feels selfish, I decided that my own opinion was best. Wait. Back up.... the other week, a woman was talking to me about her children and how she fervently prayed about them, and explained this very serene impression and feeling that she got. It was not something she reasoned out, tjough, one surely could. The answer she got was the exact same impression I had when considering my own children and how I felt so terrible and like a failure. I thought it was my own thought, and that I was really smart or something, but I realized when she spoke of it, it was the same thing I thought was my self, but I had decided a very long time ago, that of myself, I was extremely dumb, (meaning stupid)and this was infact the holy ghost or "still small voice." Which instantly reminds me of a talk by David Bednar (https://youtu.be/AGS45Fd9nmE?si=j8DImhmCdJ1EILax) and the story told to children at the beginning of "The Nativity Story" about Ellijah and the still small voice.

I was just reading Isaiah and struggling with things I had been told that contradict what is said to the point that I had to divide things I believed from things I knew and the only way I uniformly knew anything was through the still small voice, or the Holy Ghost. And I thought of the pleadings of President Nelson to live worthy of having the spirit in our lives because without it, we will not be able to determine the truth. Well, that time is now.

Light shines in the dark

As I was listening to a talk about the tragedy in Grand Blanc, which I don't even really know,what happened, I learned one thing, that what was learned was the same thing I had learned from enduring the Ice storm and so I suppose it is true across the board, when bad things happen, oh, just remembered the scene from the Gordon B. Hinckley movie when he is on a mission and a murmurer from the crowd doubted God's power and shouted, " If God is so good, why does he let bad things happen to good people?"....anyhow, when bad things happen, oh yeah, like when Lazarus died, that are opportunities for us to experience the light, power, love of God.  The stars need dark sky to show up, though they are always there. The Love of God is always present in our lives, but when bad things happen, we get a glimpse. I suppose this is because we need Him to the point that we are aware of his help that often we take for granted.

Gratitude journals are a good way to document our blessing...name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the lord has done. 

makes sense

Since I moved to Mississippi, I have become almost completely antisocial, citing that I am avoiding the stress of being around others, but I have also become very unhealthy and at several points have thought, I am out of whack, I need to work on my social goals. But, again, I stopped because it causes too much if what I considered stress. Now, my focus is on stress and trying to eliminate what all seem to be effects of years of excessive stress. It is like my Nervous system is stuck in fight or flight and being anti social is my default, flight, right? Well, get this, after multiple test (because it seemed too out there and well, unbelievable, but my pressure velve for relieving stress is spending time with loved ones, most specifically talking. 

I noticed an undeniable trend that the day after I visit my parents I loose weight. So, I figured it was wrong that my body is holding on to reserve until it feels relaxed.  I figured it was just that I needed to eat more, and do nothing to the amount of exercise I do.

We, finally, this week, I decided to stop overexercising and I almost comically started loosing weight. Huh? Ofcourse I am less hungry cause I exercise less.

But, my real trouble is how to determine if I actually need more social life. It is thought that when people get home they play video games. It is to wind down and cathartically boost happy chemicals in their brain. But, playing games causes me more stress. And that is what everyone around my house does.  Maybe, my Journaling and emailing needs to increase as I make an effort to be more social in a non- stressful way. Maybe? Oh dear me, I am a mess 

I will not back down

Despite what seems like evidence of failure I will not doubt the process. I refused to exercise yesterday, because it was the Sabbath, and I gained more weight than ever. I was honestly expecting to loose a whole lot of weight, because I was being obedient, but as I prayed this morning sort of complaining and the way I received my answer was just an everyday thought, which makes me ponder about how many of my "thoughts" are actually whispering of the spirit...this morning, it whispered " think about why you are upset, your actual words gave your egocentricity away, it is not about weight or You." So, this morning, I gained a greater sense of commitment through what seemed to be failure. MY idea of being healthy and "blessed" is not what it ought to be. And as long as I endure with patience believing I am heard, I will gain all and more than I seek. What I seek is not even the problem it is the "I" and if I get over that, success will follow and it will be understood.

I did notice something yesterday, how often talks mention personal stories, and it was even said, " I really only know myself. " or something close, meaning they are sharing an experience they feel qualified to share. That being said, I still haven't adequately shared what I was thinking (cause I am trying to word it).

If It is the intent to become like God, and it is, then why should change in the way I appear startled or upset me. Do I not believe God hears and answers prayers? Maybe, the world values a body types suited for worldly life, and frankly, I am judging my success by worldly standards. Long ago, I decided that I valued strength and power over being as skinny as the world suggests one ought to be. Weight gain ought to make me happy that I am continuing to grow and not "Damned" to being "twenty sized" forever. I wanted changed, just hoped it would be smaller. But, that is the problem... "I" wanted it. It would be better to be healthy, not skinnier for the sake of being attractive. It is not good to be attractive...I am reminded of a video where someone needed to travel from one building to the other, and realized they could not do it with a sandwich in their hand because the food attracted attention of swarms of birds attacking and stealing the sandwich. Similarly, when I cried to God about being so extremely underweight as a teen, the answer was that it was a blessing and I was being hidden.  You just never know, but that the thing you consider a curse may be a blessing.