who am I

It truly was apt as I read the words of Jacob, brother of Nephi, this morning when he said, it all seemed as a dream. If feels like most of my life has been lived as a shell of being. I know that I did many things that I have not a single memory of, and that seems peculiar to me.

But, the main premise of my thoughts this morning is how glad I am to have lived this long, past the age of striving for physical beauty. It is now that I am truly learning about myself. I have been jealous of others who always seemed more aware of themselves and others.

And things, many of them, made no sense to me, so I used reasoning and logic to conform what was to what I understood. One of them being the fact that Isaac, son of Abraham, was a full-grown man (around 35 or so) still living with his parents. It just seemed like everyone either aged differently, or counted age/time differently. But, I can see how others could take on adult roles at a very very young age, and some, I am neither ready or prepared for at the age of 50 something.

Mostly, I realized, by something my daughter said, "I really, truly WANT to do that chore, but I cannot." Instantly, I thought, "cop out", and simply did the task myself. But, last night and even this morning, I felt it. I noticed how I often withdraw, never thinking much of it, or if I did it was simply that I was avoiding my duties or being antisocial. But, really, last night I could not concentrate and nearly vomited and felt so ill and kept forcing myself to work on a thing. Finally, I stopped, then early I woke up and easily did the same task to completion, simple. It was then I noticed how much easier everything was in quiet. I thought I relished sleep, rest, escape. But, I realized it is why I struggle so hard all of the time, I thought it was a sort of "power up" supplied by fasting, like I had been logically taught, as I switched to fat burning it caused mental clarity. Then decided I was just an introvert.

But, being an introvert causes problems. I have been taught that the Celestial Kingdom, our mortal goal is a social place, why would being social be rewarded by the one who created us, if I was just created to not handle social groups. But, really the idea of solitary existence does not sound bad to me. But, then I realized how so many times Jesus Christ even withdrew himself from the throne of people who surrounded him. Now, that would be overwhelming, so it made sense. But, then, there are times like in Gethsemene and the cross where he was alone and did not think, " oh, this is nice." He actually went and woke up His friends and asked them to stay awake and nearby for Him. And on the cross he is noted to cry out when even the presence of his Father left him to suffer alone. I always thought that was what was really causing His anguish. So, being solitary is not being entirely independent and lonely. It is a choice to chose the presence of God over the din of humanity, which often drives the spirit of God away.

In the early morning, I am not alone, I am prayerfully and feel so much peace. And I contrast that to the thinking I struggle to do when everyone gets up and starts playing video games and asking me a billion of questions unrelated to what was applying my mind. I am not an introvert, I simply realize how much more  I thrive in quietude. 

Things that I love:

Piano

Covering my head in my bed, in a cocoon, shuting out the world.

Going for walks by myself.

Taking baths.

Oh, that just reminded me of a time I had a lesson in RS, and the teacher asked us where we prayed, or where our closets or secret places were. As a mother of toddlers, quickly I answered, it was the bathtub, the only place I could go to be completely alone, the door on the bathroom locked and people would knock or slide cars under the door, but they knew that if Mom was in the bath, then whatever it was, it needed to wait. 

I struggled for years that I did not have a job. Surely there are things that I could do, and stepping out of my comfort zone is to be expected. But, today, I realized why I could not, and it is also why I do not volunteer for things that I really want to, then I feel bad for simply volunteering for things that I already do, but can do for charity, now. It all boils down to actually needing to conserve my strength for the things that do matter. I worked for a while,  and felt terrible when Joseph needed me, but, my phone needed to be turned off, so an emergency contact had to be called. I did not work the next year and still feel bad about that. And now, it is worse with our tiny house, there is no peace besides when everyone goes away.

A friend recently had to leave her job, citing metal wellness as a priority. Looking at another's situation, I can clearly see all of the good that she is doing, and well, that job simply was not a needed thing. Another friend said, and I absolutely LOVE ❤️  this one, "If your problem boils down to money, then it was no problem at all "