who am I

It truly was apt as I read the words of Jacob, brother of Nephi, this morning when he said, it all seemed as a dream. If feels like most of my life has been lived as a shell of being. I know that I did many things that I have not a single memory of, and that seems peculiar to me.

But, the main premise of my thoughts this morning is how glad I am to have lived this long, past the age of striving for physical beauty. It is now that I am truly learning about myself. I have been jealous of others who always seemed more aware of themselves and others.

And things, many of them, made no sense to me, so I used reasoning and logic to conform what was to what I understood. One of them being the fact that Isaac, son of Abraham, was a full-grown man (around 35 or so) still living with his parents. It just seemed like everyone either aged differently, or counted age/time differently. But, I can see how others could take on adult roles at a very very young age, and some, I am neither ready or prepared for at the age of 50 something.

Mostly, I realized, by something my daughter said, "I really, truly WANT to do that chore, but I cannot." Instantly, I thought, "cop out", and simply did the task myself. But, last night and even this morning, I felt it. I noticed how I often withdraw, never thinking much of it, or if I did it was simply that I was avoiding my duties or being antisocial. But, really, last night I could not concentrate and nearly vomited and felt so ill and kept forcing myself to work on a thing. Finally, I stopped, then early I woke up and easily did the same task to completion, simple. It was then I noticed how much easier everything was in quiet. I thought I relished sleep, rest, escape. But, I realized it is why I struggle so hard all of the time, I thought it was a sort of "power up" supplied by fasting, like I had been logically taught, as I switched to fat burning it caused mental clarity. Then decided I was just an introvert.

But, being an introvert causes problems. I have been taught that the Celestial Kingdom, our mortal goal is a social place, why would being social be rewarded by the one who created us, if I was just created to not handle social groups. But, really the idea of solitary existence does not sound bad to me. But, then I realized how so many times Jesus Christ even withdrew himself from the throne of people who surrounded him. Now, that would be overwhelming, so it made sense. But, then, there are times like in Gethsemene and the cross where he was alone and did not think, " oh, this is nice." He actually went and woke up His friends and asked them to stay awake and nearby for Him. And on the cross he is noted to cry out when even the presence of his Father left him to suffer alone. I always thought that was what was really causing His anguish. So, being solitary is not being entirely independent and lonely. It is a choice to chose the presence of God over the din of humanity, which often drives the spirit of God away.

In the early morning, I am not alone, I am prayerfully and feel so much peace. And I contrast that to the thinking I struggle to do when everyone gets up and starts playing video games and asking me a billion of questions unrelated to what was applying my mind. I am not an introvert, I simply realize how much more  I thrive in quietude. 

Things that I love:

Piano

Covering my head in my bed, in a cocoon, shuting out the world.

Going for walks by myself.

Taking baths.

Oh, that just reminded me of a time I had a lesson in RS, and the teacher asked us where we prayed, or where our closets or secret places were. As a mother of toddlers, quickly I answered, it was the bathtub, the only place I could go to be completely alone, the door on the bathroom locked and people would knock or slide cars under the door, but they knew that if Mom was in the bath, then whatever it was, it needed to wait. 

I struggled for years that I did not have a job. Surely there are things that I could do, and stepping out of my comfort zone is to be expected. But, today, I realized why I could not, and it is also why I do not volunteer for things that I really want to, then I feel bad for simply volunteering for things that I already do, but can do for charity, now. It all boils down to actually needing to conserve my strength for the things that do matter. I worked for a while,  and felt terrible when Joseph needed me, but, my phone needed to be turned off, so an emergency contact had to be called. I did not work the next year and still feel bad about that. And now, it is worse with our tiny house, there is no peace besides when everyone goes away.

A friend recently had to leave her job, citing metal wellness as a priority. Looking at another's situation, I can clearly see all of the good that she is doing, and well, that job simply was not a needed thing. Another friend said, and I absolutely LOVE ❤️  this one, "If your problem boils down to money, then it was no problem at all "

couch covers

Car bras and couch covers, if they are not for their own esthetic beauty, are pointless. I have always been a bit confused about them, although I understand putting in much effort now to pay off later. This morning as I did my silly morning "workout" thinking my 80 self will really benefit from my devotion to making such movement a habit. Kari Hooper said something profound about it the other day. She said, " I do all of these squats tobuild the strength I will need to perform everyday tasks when I need to." Wow! Maybe that is like car bras and couch covers, though they seem pointless now, the consequences will be appreciated, and it is a bit like the wise virgins who brought oil, it made a profound difference though it didn't even have a real purpose at the time.

spiders

I was drying a pair of pants to get the wrinkles out when I saw a spiderweb and started thinking about how small they were. How on earth could they recall where it was safe to make a web and where they would more likely be spotted and killed. Plus, know how to make the stinking web in the first place. It was then I used to always just think I was so brilliant when I remembered what I had learned about evolution and epigenetics, and The matter was u derstood, appreciated, and life could continue as usual. 

This was precisely when a typical young person would seek for answers from their phone. But, I had seen a cool video/talk given by David A. Bednar about how we can be instruments of the spirit without knowing it, in fact, we do not even need to fret about that, just be good. He mentioned how he struggled with a choice he was "inspired" to make about going to see a basketball game. He thought it was his own thoughts, even his wife said he would do anything to get out of a meeting to see his son play ball. But, looking back it was plain to see as things played out, that he had Infact been a tool of God and "inspired".likewise,  I have realized time and time again, that I of myself am nothing, but through me incredible things are said and done. Others just say I am being humble or not giving myself enough credit, but really, it was not from me.

One last story. I was in a meeting and a baby was really really being unruly, and one lady just got up, though she did not even know the people, she comforted them and calmed/soothed the baby. Afterwards, I tried to praise her for what she had done, and she said, "I was just being human. It is nothing more than what anyone would have done." But, I knew though she might not have, that was Christlike love. She had become his hands, so to speak.

She tried to convince me it was nothing. She had been raised in a village where everyone helped raise every child so it was ingrained in her to just help where help is needed. But, combine that story with Bednar's talk and it becomes clear what is going on here and everywhere.

working it out

I think I understand the lure of a pocket know-it-all.  Just moments ago I thought of something and wanted an answer, but I knew the answer I would get would be incorrect  as I usually do know, but ask anyway to fill my quota of diverse opinions. I thought, asking God just makes more sense if I wanted the truth, but ah, HAH! That's it! How does he speak to me if I ask? And that lead me to realize why teens seem so wrong like all of the time! It is understandable.  They want an answer to their questions and they want it to be easy... the internet is full of easy, quick answers. No matter how complex one gets. There is an expert ready to lead you that way. My mom explained it as: we already know what we are looking for. But, we are looking for support, and regardless which perspective we take we find support and feel justified in that perspective. Thinking, experts support my view do it is superior, dopamine hit! So, next time we have a problem, without thinking, our brain yearns for another hit, so we reach for our easy answers instead of talking to the sky, or how it can feel, anyway. There is no dopamine thrill that comes everytime we pray... the opposite could potentially happen. A lady once said in a class I was in, "If I believed that every question deserved a similar response, I would never pray, because it is documented what happened to Joseph Smith when he got frustrated at the expert opinions a day decided to ask God....no sooner was he seized upon by an overpowering doom and helplessness. She explained that if that happened to every prayer, then I would not venture to pray."

New Hypothesis

 Just had this thought: When I fast, I lose weight, and if it is weight loss that I seek, there must be a way I can get it without the damage of starvation and malnutrition. I could scientifically figure out what is causing my weight to jump up so much, by testing just one thing, until I discover if anything could be eaten without weight gain. I suppose the end I will be able to know that my weight gain is not at all related to diabetes or anything unhealthy, in fact, in the hospital years ago, I could not be discharged until my body proved it could gain weight because that was a sign of health. but all of these stupid apps and websites tell me that I am killing myself by being so overweight. As if all women didn't already feel insecure about their weight, being told constantly that I am unhealthy makes me feel like a slothful and unwise steward of this body, so i did what they suggested to perfection, but I am still overweight and getting worse. so, I need to step in and put my foot down. This has got to stop! I already discovered many of my "connected devices" were giving me false information, big surprise there!! It gave me a pulse that was off by over 50 bpm and also gave high blood pressure warnings, so I had several double checks and it is actually on the far lower side, same with my water percentage it read low, so I drank and drank for weeks, but then stopped and it went up. I found that it had been calculated from other factors.... just like BMI was calculated based on what is typical for others. I do not believe I am actually over weight. If anything I am on the small side. even at the temple, the workers gave me a size large because I was so tall, but I could fit about three of me in the jumper, it was falling off of me

So, I will start after Friday's Pizza, so I can get an accurate result.

I bet this is similar to how low carb diets were discovered, and it actually can reverse a sort of diabetes.

morning thought

It is wrong to assume that everyone who is trying to loose weight through regular fitness is overweight. That is what caused me to become overweight...chasing regulations and rules to a t, and when what others claimed worked for them failed for me, I looked for some other rule to live by, so I have stopped it for good, and will simply age by following the growth cycle I was intended for. Weight is most surely NOT the standard to follow and track for growth... sorta comically obvious, huh?

more time

I decided to focus more on self improvement than fitness. And so, I realized how weak I was becoming because I was relying on timers and diets and plans and I was hyper focusing on doing them exactly. I know what my Brother said about exact obedience, and I believe that 100%. But, doing 100% the wrong thing will not produce the right effect. No matter how carefully you adhere to all of the planting instructions of a seed, if you plant the wrong seed it will not magically become the one you meticulously prepared and hoped for. I stopped counting steps even for money because that felt like putting trust in the arm of flesh, when in every single need I ever had... God was there and he always has my back, and I do believe that. Unlike David, I will noy be slaying any giants, or crossing the red sea like Moses, but I'll get there. " The first step to avoid a trap is knowing if it's existence."(from the movie Dune). And I was ensnared by the health and fitness allure. It is always a good thing that traps ya. It is the part that you kniw cannot be a trap and it isn't, it is true, but it is mingled with false bits. 

I was having a moment of reflection regarding fasting. I still struggle with it, although I know it is meant to weaken me, it gives me what I want...but, perhaps the opportunity cost is too high.

I want to rest now, before the kids come home and I need to work on being selfless a bit more and will get plenty of opportunity.

I am setting tons of little habit focused goals to slowly convert me into a much more outward focused person.