spiders

I was drying a pair of pants to get the wrinkles out when I saw a spiderweb and started thinking about how small they were. How on earth could they recall where it was safe to make a web and where they would more likely be spotted and killed. Plus, know how to make the stinking web in the first place. It was then I used to always just think I was so brilliant when I remembered what I had learned about evolution and epigenetics, and The matter was u derstood, appreciated, and life could continue as usual. 

This was precisely when a typical young person would seek for answers from their phone. But, I had seen a cool video/talk given by David A. Bednar about how we can be instruments of the spirit without knowing it, in fact, we do not even need to fret about that, just be good. He mentioned how he struggled with a choice he was "inspired" to make about going to see a basketball game. He thought it was his own thoughts, even his wife said he would do anything to get out of a meeting to see his son play ball. But, looking back it was plain to see as things played out, that he had Infact been a tool of God and "inspired".likewise,  I have realized time and time again, that I of myself am nothing, but through me incredible things are said and done. Others just say I am being humble or not giving myself enough credit, but really, it was not from me.

One last story. I was in a meeting and a baby was really really being unruly, and one lady just got up, though she did not even know the people, she comforted them and calmed/soothed the baby. Afterwards, I tried to praise her for what she had done, and she said, "I was just being human. It is nothing more than what anyone would have done." But, I knew though she might not have, that was Christlike love. She had become his hands, so to speak.

She tried to convince me it was nothing. She had been raised in a village where everyone helped raise every child so it was ingrained in her to just help where help is needed. But, combine that story with Bednar's talk and it becomes clear what is going on here and everywhere.

working it out

I think I understand the lure of a pocket know-it-all.  Just moments ago I thought of something and wanted an answer, but I knew the answer I would get would be incorrect  as I usually do know, but ask anyway to fill my quota of diverse opinions. I thought, asking God just makes more sense if I wanted the truth, but ah, HAH! That's it! How does he speak to me if I ask? And that lead me to realize why teens seem so wrong like all of the time! It is understandable.  They want an answer to their questions and they want it to be easy... the internet is full of easy, quick answers. No matter how complex one gets. There is an expert ready to lead you that way. My mom explained it as: we already know what we are looking for. But, we are looking for support, and regardless which perspective we take we find support and feel justified in that perspective. Thinking, experts support my view do it is superior, dopamine hit! So, next time we have a problem, without thinking, our brain yearns for another hit, so we reach for our easy answers instead of talking to the sky, or how it can feel, anyway. There is no dopamine thrill that comes everytime we pray... the opposite could potentially happen. A lady once said in a class I was in, "If I believed that every question deserved a similar response, I would never pray, because it is documented what happened to Joseph Smith when he got frustrated at the expert opinions a day decided to ask God....no sooner was he seized upon by an overpowering doom and helplessness. She explained that if that happened to every prayer, then I would not venture to pray."

New Hypothesis

 Just had this thought: When I fast, I lose weight, and if it is weight loss that I seek, there must be a way I can get it without the damage of starvation and malnutrition. I could scientifically figure out what is causing my weight to jump up so much, by testing just one thing, until I discover if anything could be eaten without weight gain. I suppose the end I will be able to know that my weight gain is not at all related to diabetes or anything unhealthy, in fact, in the hospital years ago, I could not be discharged until my body proved it could gain weight because that was a sign of health. but all of these stupid apps and websites tell me that I am killing myself by being so overweight. As if all women didn't already feel insecure about their weight, being told constantly that I am unhealthy makes me feel like a slothful and unwise steward of this body, so i did what they suggested to perfection, but I am still overweight and getting worse. so, I need to step in and put my foot down. This has got to stop! I already discovered many of my "connected devices" were giving me false information, big surprise there!! It gave me a pulse that was off by over 50 bpm and also gave high blood pressure warnings, so I had several double checks and it is actually on the far lower side, same with my water percentage it read low, so I drank and drank for weeks, but then stopped and it went up. I found that it had been calculated from other factors.... just like BMI was calculated based on what is typical for others. I do not believe I am actually over weight. If anything I am on the small side. even at the temple, the workers gave me a size large because I was so tall, but I could fit about three of me in the jumper, it was falling off of me

So, I will start after Friday's Pizza, so I can get an accurate result.

I bet this is similar to how low carb diets were discovered, and it actually can reverse a sort of diabetes.

morning thought

It is wrong to assume that everyone who is trying to loose weight through regular fitness is overweight. That is what caused me to become overweight...chasing regulations and rules to a t, and when what others claimed worked for them failed for me, I looked for some other rule to live by, so I have stopped it for good, and will simply age by following the growth cycle I was intended for. Weight is most surely NOT the standard to follow and track for growth... sorta comically obvious, huh?

more time

I decided to focus more on self improvement than fitness. And so, I realized how weak I was becoming because I was relying on timers and diets and plans and I was hyper focusing on doing them exactly. I know what my Brother said about exact obedience, and I believe that 100%. But, doing 100% the wrong thing will not produce the right effect. No matter how carefully you adhere to all of the planting instructions of a seed, if you plant the wrong seed it will not magically become the one you meticulously prepared and hoped for. I stopped counting steps even for money because that felt like putting trust in the arm of flesh, when in every single need I ever had... God was there and he always has my back, and I do believe that. Unlike David, I will noy be slaying any giants, or crossing the red sea like Moses, but I'll get there. " The first step to avoid a trap is knowing if it's existence."(from the movie Dune). And I was ensnared by the health and fitness allure. It is always a good thing that traps ya. It is the part that you kniw cannot be a trap and it isn't, it is true, but it is mingled with false bits. 

I was having a moment of reflection regarding fasting. I still struggle with it, although I know it is meant to weaken me, it gives me what I want...but, perhaps the opportunity cost is too high.

I want to rest now, before the kids come home and I need to work on being selfless a bit more and will get plenty of opportunity.

I am setting tons of little habit focused goals to slowly convert me into a much more outward focused person.

morning thoughts

My failures have been from looking to the majority for answers. What do I absolutely know? That fasting, though will make me loose weight, does not make me healthy.

I have a higher than typical BMI, but, I do not believe that I need to loose weight. I try so hard to do what is suppose to increase my health or fix health problems and it fails. And when "experts" offer advice that I feel certain would work, it doesn't and I feel broken, and so I claim that it was a lie all along, simply because so many other diets and health tricks were obviously scams, I believe myself merely a bit naive. 

This morning, I am thinking about how I am stuck on this idea that I am insulin resistant, but really, I have only one reason to believe so. My waist line is probably large enough... I am not sure if my measurements are correct. But, every single other indicator is negative, so maybe I have been wrong to assume that. I was wrong in thinking my blood pressure was high, and even a doctor took blood work tests and determined that I was diabetic, but  when I was sent to a nutritionist she looked at my food history journal and told me I was absolutely not diabetic, I simply had an abnormally high blood sugar, but honestly, if it was a problem with improper function of my hormones/insulin I would have other signs. Then,my waist was 21 inches, and she cited that having a larger waistline was a positive for having a problem, but my body simply functioned that way. Ok, so I learned not to trust any expert, she is probably incorrect, as well. In comparison to others who had troubles, I was an outlier. I still am, and so all of these stupid internet crowdsourced diagnosisies and solutions find no application for me and it is frustrating.  It is also frustrating when technical/pc solutions do not work for me cause they would be very helpful if that was my problem, but usually it is more complex.

Basically, my issue boils down to if I am going to kill myself because I want to be like everyone else or follow the world's instructions, or if I will pray and patiently wait for a truth from my creator, as to what I ought to be focused on  and what my solution is. This morning, I choose the later, but wonder if I have enough bravery to allow myself to be different and accept that beautiful and healthy for me might not be what is accepted.

It would really be so easy to just fast until I weighed the right amount. But, I have too many sources of information that go against that route,  besides what would I really be losing if I became uncomely?

morning brain dump

This seems backwards, but appropriate for what is onmy mind. One expert claims it is best to dump all of pir thought before we go to sleep,  another states it is best to dump all our thoughts cause the accumulate at night. So we can betterremember them. Except, the more we dump the less we have to member so whatever system we have in place to know things actually weakens. So, with age, I reccommend using fewer apps. It is like using a wheelchair, when you Don't absolutely need it yet. You will become reliant/dependent on it and you will get around all right, but you will lose you freedom in one aspect. It is all about opportunity cost as my daughter so perfectly put it.

Anyhow, I had been aware of how our weight fluctuates for various reasons, but mine seemed a little high, so I disconnected everything, like what I did with my DNA results, and even turned the blue tooth off and weighed myself again, and I was 8 lbs lighter. Perplexed, I tried again, and got the same result. Had my scale decided that I ought to weigh, and then I checked out other body composition facts and realized the relationships I thought were direct and causation, meaning that if I wanted one I could manipulate the other, and it worked,  or did it? They always moved in tandem,  exactly so. SoI deduced they were actually not determined by sensation, but by algorithm. So, my "smart" scale ticked me off and I want a dumb one that does not determine anything. So, for my birthday,  I might get an old school analog scale. I can figure/calculate anything else I need to know if I had solid facts of what is.