New Hypothesis

 Just had this thought: When I fast, I lose weight, and if it is weight loss that I seek, there must be a way I can get it without the damage of starvation and malnutrition. I could scientifically figure out what is causing my weight to jump up so much, by testing just one thing, until I discover if anything could be eaten without weight gain. I suppose the end I will be able to know that my weight gain is not at all related to diabetes or anything unhealthy, in fact, in the hospital years ago, I could not be discharged until my body proved it could gain weight because that was a sign of health. but all of these stupid apps and websites tell me that I am killing myself by being so overweight. As if all women didn't already feel insecure about their weight, being told constantly that I am unhealthy makes me feel like a slothful and unwise steward of this body, so i did what they suggested to perfection, but I am still overweight and getting worse. so, I need to step in and put my foot down. This has got to stop! I already discovered many of my "connected devices" were giving me false information, big surprise there!! It gave me a pulse that was off by over 50 bpm and also gave high blood pressure warnings, so I had several double checks and it is actually on the far lower side, same with my water percentage it read low, so I drank and drank for weeks, but then stopped and it went up. I found that it had been calculated from other factors.... just like BMI was calculated based on what is typical for others. I do not believe I am actually over weight. If anything I am on the small side. even at the temple, the workers gave me a size large because I was so tall, but I could fit about three of me in the jumper, it was falling off of me

So, I will start after Friday's Pizza, so I can get an accurate result.

I bet this is similar to how low carb diets were discovered, and it actually can reverse a sort of diabetes.

morning thought

It is wrong to assume that everyone who is trying to loose weight through regular fitness is overweight. That is what caused me to become overweight...chasing regulations and rules to a t, and when what others claimed worked for them failed for me, I looked for some other rule to live by, so I have stopped it for good, and will simply age by following the growth cycle I was intended for. Weight is most surely NOT the standard to follow and track for growth... sorta comically obvious, huh?

more time

I decided to focus more on self improvement than fitness. And so, I realized how weak I was becoming because I was relying on timers and diets and plans and I was hyper focusing on doing them exactly. I know what my Brother said about exact obedience, and I believe that 100%. But, doing 100% the wrong thing will not produce the right effect. No matter how carefully you adhere to all of the planting instructions of a seed, if you plant the wrong seed it will not magically become the one you meticulously prepared and hoped for. I stopped counting steps even for money because that felt like putting trust in the arm of flesh, when in every single need I ever had... God was there and he always has my back, and I do believe that. Unlike David, I will noy be slaying any giants, or crossing the red sea like Moses, but I'll get there. " The first step to avoid a trap is knowing if it's existence."(from the movie Dune). And I was ensnared by the health and fitness allure. It is always a good thing that traps ya. It is the part that you kniw cannot be a trap and it isn't, it is true, but it is mingled with false bits. 

I was having a moment of reflection regarding fasting. I still struggle with it, although I know it is meant to weaken me, it gives me what I want...but, perhaps the opportunity cost is too high.

I want to rest now, before the kids come home and I need to work on being selfless a bit more and will get plenty of opportunity.

I am setting tons of little habit focused goals to slowly convert me into a much more outward focused person.

morning thoughts

My failures have been from looking to the majority for answers. What do I absolutely know? That fasting, though will make me loose weight, does not make me healthy.

I have a higher than typical BMI, but, I do not believe that I need to loose weight. I try so hard to do what is suppose to increase my health or fix health problems and it fails. And when "experts" offer advice that I feel certain would work, it doesn't and I feel broken, and so I claim that it was a lie all along, simply because so many other diets and health tricks were obviously scams, I believe myself merely a bit naive. 

This morning, I am thinking about how I am stuck on this idea that I am insulin resistant, but really, I have only one reason to believe so. My waist line is probably large enough... I am not sure if my measurements are correct. But, every single other indicator is negative, so maybe I have been wrong to assume that. I was wrong in thinking my blood pressure was high, and even a doctor took blood work tests and determined that I was diabetic, but  when I was sent to a nutritionist she looked at my food history journal and told me I was absolutely not diabetic, I simply had an abnormally high blood sugar, but honestly, if it was a problem with improper function of my hormones/insulin I would have other signs. Then,my waist was 21 inches, and she cited that having a larger waistline was a positive for having a problem, but my body simply functioned that way. Ok, so I learned not to trust any expert, she is probably incorrect, as well. In comparison to others who had troubles, I was an outlier. I still am, and so all of these stupid internet crowdsourced diagnosisies and solutions find no application for me and it is frustrating.  It is also frustrating when technical/pc solutions do not work for me cause they would be very helpful if that was my problem, but usually it is more complex.

Basically, my issue boils down to if I am going to kill myself because I want to be like everyone else or follow the world's instructions, or if I will pray and patiently wait for a truth from my creator, as to what I ought to be focused on  and what my solution is. This morning, I choose the later, but wonder if I have enough bravery to allow myself to be different and accept that beautiful and healthy for me might not be what is accepted.

It would really be so easy to just fast until I weighed the right amount. But, I have too many sources of information that go against that route,  besides what would I really be losing if I became uncomely?

morning brain dump

This seems backwards, but appropriate for what is onmy mind. One expert claims it is best to dump all of pir thought before we go to sleep,  another states it is best to dump all our thoughts cause the accumulate at night. So we can betterremember them. Except, the more we dump the less we have to member so whatever system we have in place to know things actually weakens. So, with age, I reccommend using fewer apps. It is like using a wheelchair, when you Don't absolutely need it yet. You will become reliant/dependent on it and you will get around all right, but you will lose you freedom in one aspect. It is all about opportunity cost as my daughter so perfectly put it.

Anyhow, I had been aware of how our weight fluctuates for various reasons, but mine seemed a little high, so I disconnected everything, like what I did with my DNA results, and even turned the blue tooth off and weighed myself again, and I was 8 lbs lighter. Perplexed, I tried again, and got the same result. Had my scale decided that I ought to weigh, and then I checked out other body composition facts and realized the relationships I thought were direct and causation, meaning that if I wanted one I could manipulate the other, and it worked,  or did it? They always moved in tandem,  exactly so. SoI deduced they were actually not determined by sensation, but by algorithm. So, my "smart" scale ticked me off and I want a dumb one that does not determine anything. So, for my birthday,  I might get an old school analog scale. I can figure/calculate anything else I need to know if I had solid facts of what is.

morning brain dump

I am slowly realizing that quantifying everything is not healthy. I remember when I was watching "A Beautiful Mind" I kept thinking how brilliant the notion was that John Nash could form a algorithm for practically anything. Now, I am realizing, not everything ought to be quantified and analyzed. What so often seemed like brilliance to me was a neat physical trick is all. This very morning as I was reading the words of Jacob from the book of Mormon, I was struck by how many things he understood, and how it would take me so extremely long to grasp so much of what he said.... oh yeah, it was probably because he didn't have a cellphone.  Oh heck, I am sure there was something back there. There always is. Knowledge of truth does not come by thinking about it. Sensible. Likewise, though I really enjoy trying to find the reasonability of things. Ultimately, if I want to actually know something it is not going to be through reasoning. It reminds me of how AI can process so much faster and accurately that we do, but they cannot seem to grasp context or perform creative tasks that are judged by a different standard. Blah, blah, blah, my realization is that I was becoming weaker and weaker through my dependence on apps and tools to compensate for what I couldn't do easily. But, like lifting weights, growth comes from doing hard things. so, I deleted all of my calorie tracker and step counters. I do not need to measure them to feel healthy. And that was my take away this morning.

Plus, they are all too often wrong, when measured by the same measurements they measure... and I am tired of being confused why side of an equation do not equal.

It has taken considerable effort to reach this point. I feel like I would be so much happier if I could understand that the standard I use to measure my body image is terribly off, as well. I do not believe that achieving my desired physique with bring my any lasting happiness. It might actually, in the name of fitness, do me harm. But, I am not to the point where I can accept that, yet. So, until then I will continue losing weight and following my own working plan to achieve that.

Just thought this, If I prayed I could either feel my burden less, or be blessed with necessary insight. 

morning brain dump

I am sticking with it, and that seems to make all the difference. Really, it could have been any plan or habit, regardless of evidence, previous success or popularity, for me it would merely being a case of sticking to it, and the way I was able to do it was to stop looking up new ideas. When I started a routine regardless if it worked or not, as I got bombarded with ads and influencers trying to, well, Influence. And I would always fall prey to thinking that I actually was missing that routine or supplement and so I would give it a try, until the next routine caught my eye and each would have worked had I stuck and committed myself to it. 

This is the same lesson I learned at Youth Conference when I was young. The goal was to make it to the Celestial Kingdom, which required sticking with a plan and seeing it through. But, I got silly ideas about getting sealed to someone I didn't know/like and so I was halted for a long time, until I figured out what I needed to do and did it.... and though, I probably would have been persuaded to abandon I had done so before and regretted it. I would not allow this to happen again. It is similar to how you learn from a dream or story where you get a second chance because the mistake didn't really happen yet.

Yesterday, I found a better idea and nearly abandoned ship, until I realized that I was doing it again. There might be better ideas, but the one that succeeds is going to be the one that I can stick to. Which is the one I am currently using, regardless what negative self talk tries to persuade me from doing something. I am already committed, I am stubborn and will not alter until after I find that it did not work because, frankly, I am losing lots of weight already.... and that is why I even started looking around again anyway. I feel it is unhealthy because I am losing weight so fast, but, it is good and reassuring thing. I honestly believe that change is fast right now because I am snaping into who I should have been all along, and the pace will slow down once I reach that sweet spot where I belong, weightwise.