bad advice

In my hubris of youth I was given the advice to never bring up my ex-husband, and I failed and thought it was good advice although initially I thought it bad, I figured that was just my "know-it-all" self talking.

However, as I have had time to consider all of my regrets, this was not one of them, this was a guilt that I carried for years believing that I had disobeyed good advice. But, now that I am sufficiently humbled I see that it is never good to hide the truth and that frankly was bad advice.

My husband purposefully never talks about his former spouse and that hurts me alot. A spouse is not an old flame, or crush or something. If you marry someone they are chosen family and never referring to them is refusing to mention a significant part of yourself. Often, I would assume he was secretly still in love with her, or when he listened to certain songs or lingered in memories of the past it was her he was thinking of, though when accused he denied it, the fact that he would keep it a secret anyway bothered me. And I realize now that such advice would be appropriate for dating, but not marriage. What you never speak of is a secret and secrets ought not exist in a marriage.

To this day, I still wonder whenever he is quiet if it is because he is thinking about her.

My first husband had previously been married, but we had never been given such advice. He talked freely about her or about any communication with her, and I felt like that was healthy. It would be wrong to feel threatened in a marriage by a failed marriage.

Or, so it would seem to me now, I may yet realize a wisdom in it, in the future, but for now, I will not feel guilt over failing to heed stupid advice.

maybe

I have a reoccurring thought that the reason I failed is a time old version of what was warned even in the Bible. We need to surround ourselves with like-minded or at least like-intended individuals and pretty much all of my repeats and failures are not due to the incorrect desire of my heart, or even a lack of faith, but a lack of support.

An analogy would be someone wants an Xbox, but their parents say no. Ok. Simple, save up and get it on your own, or re organize that it must be wrong to want something they could not have.

just a quick flash of a thought

I needed to record this for the purpose of providing a history of my studies.

I always thought that my grandmother plans to become fit failed because I still gained weight, but it just occurred to me that I was not doing enough to counteract all of the weight gain, but it did all work, and I could have potentially gained so much more weight. As it is, I am only upset that I am normal and no longer underweight. I truly should be happy. In my 20's I weighed 140lbs, so if in my 50's I weigh 160, that is not terrible or a losing situation. Likely, I ought to be glad I  exercised so much, and if I truly watched the data I would see the good that all my effort was producing. It was what I was supposing should happened that meant failure, what actually happened was not a failure.

notes

Ask AI questions, sure but get answers only. We get and need revelation which comes from God.

Let technology support, not suplant revelation.

Do not be naive and gullible, but  consult wisdom previously obtained to be the decider of your fate.

Anchor choices in doctrine! And use multiple witnesses before deciding on truth.

this is that day

As my mind dwelt on several happenings where my ability to judge was difficult ultimately I had to rely on what feels selfish, I decided that my own opinion was best. Wait. Back up.... the other week, a woman was talking to me about her children and how she fervently prayed about them, and explained this very serene impression and feeling that she got. It was not something she reasoned out, tjough, one surely could. The answer she got was the exact same impression I had when considering my own children and how I felt so terrible and like a failure. I thought it was my own thought, and that I was really smart or something, but I realized when she spoke of it, it was the same thing I thought was my self, but I had decided a very long time ago, that of myself, I was extremely dumb, (meaning stupid)and this was infact the holy ghost or "still small voice." Which instantly reminds me of a talk by David Bednar (https://youtu.be/AGS45Fd9nmE?si=j8DImhmCdJ1EILax) and the story told to children at the beginning of "The Nativity Story" about Ellijah and the still small voice.

I was just reading Isaiah and struggling with things I had been told that contradict what is said to the point that I had to divide things I believed from things I knew and the only way I uniformly knew anything was through the still small voice, or the Holy Ghost. And I thought of the pleadings of President Nelson to live worthy of having the spirit in our lives because without it, we will not be able to determine the truth. Well, that time is now.

Light shines in the dark

As I was listening to a talk about the tragedy in Grand Blanc, which I don't even really know,what happened, I learned one thing, that what was learned was the same thing I had learned from enduring the Ice storm and so I suppose it is true across the board, when bad things happen, oh, just remembered the scene from the Gordon B. Hinckley movie when he is on a mission and a murmurer from the crowd doubted God's power and shouted, " If God is so good, why does he let bad things happen to good people?"....anyhow, when bad things happen, oh yeah, like when Lazarus died, that are opportunities for us to experience the light, power, love of God.  The stars need dark sky to show up, though they are always there. The Love of God is always present in our lives, but when bad things happen, we get a glimpse. I suppose this is because we need Him to the point that we are aware of his help that often we take for granted.

Gratitude journals are a good way to document our blessing...name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the lord has done. 

makes sense

Since I moved to Mississippi, I have become almost completely antisocial, citing that I am avoiding the stress of being around others, but I have also become very unhealthy and at several points have thought, I am out of whack, I need to work on my social goals. But, again, I stopped because it causes too much if what I considered stress. Now, my focus is on stress and trying to eliminate what all seem to be effects of years of excessive stress. It is like my Nervous system is stuck in fight or flight and being anti social is my default, flight, right? Well, get this, after multiple test (because it seemed too out there and well, unbelievable, but my pressure velve for relieving stress is spending time with loved ones, most specifically talking. 

I noticed an undeniable trend that the day after I visit my parents I loose weight. So, I figured it was wrong that my body is holding on to reserve until it feels relaxed.  I figured it was just that I needed to eat more, and do nothing to the amount of exercise I do.

We, finally, this week, I decided to stop overexercising and I almost comically started loosing weight. Huh? Ofcourse I am less hungry cause I exercise less.

But, my real trouble is how to determine if I actually need more social life. It is thought that when people get home they play video games. It is to wind down and cathartically boost happy chemicals in their brain. But, playing games causes me more stress. And that is what everyone around my house does.  Maybe, my Journaling and emailing needs to increase as I make an effort to be more social in a non- stressful way. Maybe? Oh dear me, I am a mess