morning brain dump

I have the most terrible headache. Usually, it is traceable, but I can think of nothing that would cause one so severe. I even checked the radar, and nothing, except for a severe alert, heat advisory still in effect, but I have done all of my exercise indoors for that very reason, so I don't know what is causing it. Unless I was right before in distancing myself from water flavor that is calorically free/negligent. I have been able to drink to my water goals because of it, though. But, it is not worth this headache.

morning thought

Nothing is actually working besides my ability to set the parameters of success around the results the way Goofy places a picture frame around a scribble that he cannot remove from the wall.

So, I am faced with a dilemma. I was going to use walking as a source of income, but I am trying to establish a habit of walking everyday at 10am (my body responds to consistancy) but, it is too hot to walk outside, and when I walk with a favorite video, I must have ads forced upon me, and it hurts my hip joint, so I use an video game on the wii. Only, this will not track on my fitness app so I must manually add it, but, that will not give me credit on my money making app. So, do I find a new app or find a new habit or simply ignore them both as neither concern ought to fill my thoughts. BUT, the reason I was doing walking at all was because it would allow me to stay active and make a but of money without having to focus on it, but turns out that is what I am having to do.

Ok, my reasoning now is to just delete the app, the stress was never to even be a part of it. It was suppose to just happen, not make my life change to fit it. That works well enough.

I will begin to search for some other method to accomplish that.

Happy day!

I found a way to make money without having to walk for miles outside in the heat! This means all round success for my less mobile games and less exercise...without giving up my only reliable source of income. Oh yeah, I lost 2 lbs after a month or two. Finally! Maybe I was holding on to it cause of stress of having to go outside, who knows,  who cares, all is good with the world today, and I am going to concentrate on others and strive to keep it that way.

run to regain piano skills?

Ok. Here is my report. I woke up early enough to run this morning, and the temperature was ideal, which is unusual in the dog days of mississippi summer, I got home, showered, did laundry, and made breakfast before the kids got home from seminary (I left with them to run, and my watch said it was a 25 minute jog). Report is, I felt great! And I could think more clearly than I had in some time, but ultimately I do not think such a practice is sustainable, I felt rushed, and I did not get as many " steps " as I wanted so that I may cease from making money playing scam games, so I will need to make a little adjustment. I still plan to run daily. I was inspired by an advertisement about an old man known by many as "the runner guy", who started waaay daunted by the thought of running even a mile, but he walked for years, but then just decided to jog a bit and the rest is history. 

As I started walking today, I thought, it is ok, sometimes it is better to just slow down and master that first and progression will naturally happen, I do not need to rush it, like my Hannon exercises, which frustrates me because I have already done that, been there, but to relearn properly requires a whole lot of patience, and as I sped up my metronome of exercise one, I realized that I was not ready, though I could do it, sorta, I needed to slow down and do it right before I sped up. I really think this same principle is true for running and the two complement each other.  I found that walking improves my Icelandic, so I extrapolate that running effort would make piano skills and patience improve.... but, though it worked well. I even did a Scottish shower for 30 seconds. Still, I am absolutely going to change how things are done, mostly because I feel zapped and the day hasn't even started yet.

love alone is worth the fight

I thought I was stubborn and immovable,  but contemplation of a handful of words spun into a song by "Switchfoot" have somehow softened me. All that seemed to have mattered melts away when I realize the why. Too often I truly do loose sight of why I do or even am. Ultimately, there has only been one fight or conflict. Though that same battle rages on under a multitude of guile. 

Most recently, I was trying to perfect my physical image without even understanding why. My youngest sister once explained something called retail therapy. It is where you are focused on obtaining that particular thing to the point that it seems like everything, and therefore sufficient to right any wrong. And it wasn't until I realized how terrible it is to listen to stupid internet ads all hours of the day, and I had overcome the lure of $$ once, I can do it again. And this song snapped my focus back to what matters. Money was never more than a means to accomplishing a thing that ultimately was not necessary.

Playing mobile Games is not bad, but it totally messes up my perspective.

Note merely to self: Look up. Remember that minivan trip to Ogden . Was it at all to do with money?

bad advice

In my hubris of youth I was given the advice to never bring up my ex-husband, and I failed and thought it was good advice although initially I thought it bad, I figured that was just my "know-it-all" self talking.

However, as I have had time to consider all of my regrets, this was not one of them, this was a guilt that I carried for years believing that I had disobeyed good advice. But, now that I am sufficiently humbled I see that it is never good to hide the truth and that frankly was bad advice.

My husband purposefully never talks about his former spouse and that hurts me alot. A spouse is not an old flame, or crush or something. If you marry someone they are chosen family and never referring to them is refusing to mention a significant part of yourself. Often, I would assume he was secretly still in love with her, or when he listened to certain songs or lingered in memories of the past it was her he was thinking of, though when accused he denied it, the fact that he would keep it a secret anyway bothered me. And I realize now that such advice would be appropriate for dating, but not marriage. What you never speak of is a secret and secrets ought not exist in a marriage.

To this day, I still wonder whenever he is quiet if it is because he is thinking about her.

My first husband had previously been married, but we had never been given such advice. He talked freely about her or about any communication with her, and I felt like that was healthy. It would be wrong to feel threatened in a marriage by a failed marriage.

Or, so it would seem to me now, I may yet realize a wisdom in it, in the future, but for now, I will not feel guilt over failing to heed stupid advice.

maybe

I have a reoccurring thought that the reason I failed is a time old version of what was warned even in the Bible. We need to surround ourselves with like-minded or at least like-intended individuals and pretty much all of my repeats and failures are not due to the incorrect desire of my heart, or even a lack of faith, but a lack of support.

An analogy would be someone wants an Xbox, but their parents say no. Ok. Simple, save up and get it on your own, or re organize that it must be wrong to want something they could not have.