I will not back down

Despite what seems like evidence of failure I will not doubt the process. I refused to exercise yesterday, because it was the Sabbath, and I gained more weight than ever. I was honestly expecting to loose a whole lot of weight, because I was being obedient, but as I prayed this morning sort of complaining and the way I received my answer was just an everyday thought, which makes me ponder about how many of my "thoughts" are actually whispering of the spirit...this morning, it whispered " think about why you are upset, your actual words gave your egocentricity away, it is not about weight or You." So, this morning, I gained a greater sense of commitment through what seemed to be failure. MY idea of being healthy and "blessed" is not what it ought to be. And as long as I endure with patience believing I am heard, I will gain all and more than I seek. What I seek is not even the problem it is the "I" and if I get over that, success will follow and it will be understood.

I did notice something yesterday, how often talks mention personal stories, and it was even said, " I really only know myself. " or something close, meaning they are sharing an experience they feel qualified to share. That being said, I still haven't adequately shared what I was thinking (cause I am trying to word it).

If It is the intent to become like God, and it is, then why should change in the way I appear startled or upset me. Do I not believe God hears and answers prayers? Maybe, the world values a body types suited for worldly life, and frankly, I am judging my success by worldly standards. Long ago, I decided that I valued strength and power over being as skinny as the world suggests one ought to be. Weight gain ought to make me happy that I am continuing to grow and not "Damned" to being "twenty sized" forever. I wanted changed, just hoped it would be smaller. But, that is the problem... "I" wanted it. It would be better to be healthy, not skinnier for the sake of being attractive. It is not good to be attractive...I am reminded of a video where someone needed to travel from one building to the other, and realized they could not do it with a sandwich in their hand because the food attracted attention of swarms of birds attacking and stealing the sandwich. Similarly, when I cried to God about being so extremely underweight as a teen, the answer was that it was a blessing and I was being hidden.  You just never know, but that the thing you consider a curse may be a blessing.