morning thoughts

My failures have been from looking to the majority for answers. What do I absolutely know? That fasting, though will make me loose weight, does not make me healthy.

I have a higher than typical BMI, but, I do not believe that I need to loose weight. I try so hard to do what is suppose to increase my health or fix health problems and it fails. And when "experts" offer advice that I feel certain would work, it doesn't and I feel broken, and so I claim that it was a lie all along, simply because so many other diets and health tricks were obviously scams, I believe myself merely a bit naive. 

This morning, I am thinking about how I am stuck on this idea that I am insulin resistant, but really, I have only one reason to believe so. My waist line is probably large enough... I am not sure if my measurements are correct. But, every single other indicator is negative, so maybe I have been wrong to assume that. I was wrong in thinking my blood pressure was high, and even a doctor took blood work tests and determined that I was diabetic, but  when I was sent to a nutritionist she looked at my food history journal and told me I was absolutely not diabetic, I simply had an abnormally high blood sugar, but honestly, if it was a problem with improper function of my hormones/insulin I would have other signs. Then,my waist was 21 inches, and she cited that having a larger waistline was a positive for having a problem, but my body simply functioned that way. Ok, so I learned not to trust any expert, she is probably incorrect, as well. In comparison to others who had troubles, I was an outlier. I still am, and so all of these stupid internet crowdsourced diagnosisies and solutions find no application for me and it is frustrating.  It is also frustrating when technical/pc solutions do not work for me cause they would be very helpful if that was my problem, but usually it is more complex.

Basically, my issue boils down to if I am going to kill myself because I want to be like everyone else or follow the world's instructions, or if I will pray and patiently wait for a truth from my creator, as to what I ought to be focused on  and what my solution is. This morning, I choose the later, but wonder if I have enough bravery to allow myself to be different and accept that beautiful and healthy for me might not be what is accepted.

It would really be so easy to just fast until I weighed the right amount. But, I have too many sources of information that go against that route,  besides what would I really be losing if I became uncomely?