Maybe even mentally impaired

It is very shortsighted for any girl to choose someone who cannot take her to the temple

-Harold B. Lee
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1979/10/the-importance-of-celestial-marriage?lang=eng

My mind was not to be convinced

Honestly, I do not know where I was going with this, but I assume it was a proud declaration of maturity that I have discovered in making up my mind and how to do it.

First off, I always refrained from judgement, because it seemed unkind or too hasty, but I see how growing up has happened to me physically, so I must close my mind and say "time to change is up".

It feels unchristlike, but really it has brought me so much pain and heart ache I would much rather make a choice and be wrong and repent that wait to make an ideal choice.

Actually, eternal happiness depends on it. It is the crux of all that is my responsibility. It is agency. If Eve had been like me, none of us would even be here, and she would forever be flip flopping seeing the good in either choice. *ALERT* There is always a good side to see or there would never be wars, but there are wars.

People say they can change and they can, but there is something to change from. The atonement can make men better I have no doubt of that. So, I now see that every person, eternally, has the potential to be perfect, duh. Why endure things that need not be endured because of potential?

Often, I am warned to see things eternally, which is nearly impossible in this life. We did have a previous existance and it is safe to conclude that the third of our Heavenly Father's children who did not make the correct choice initially, had the potential to be marvelous, and even Satan himself would have seemed to be such a promising pupil, so we are not even expected to delay judgement concerning some things, clearly, an adversary was needed, and if God sudpended his judgement because of what could be if one waited long enough, meaning waited for potential, all would have been lost.

I loved my first husband dearly, and could never have forseen his reaction to caring for me in my time of need. But, God sees things withoit time, and really, I was fortunate to see part of his carachter before anything terrible of eternal consequence happened to me. I was instead sort of given a chance to see the error of my choice, because I made one.

I am getting off track again...

The point is that I am so wishy washy because I am afraid to say "not good enough" when why the heck shouldn't I?  Just because I realize a thing isn't good enough for me does not mean they are deemed not good enough in general. It only means that I have a goal and am figuring out what I need to reach it.

Jonah

Sure, I grew up with story about a guy  to hide from God and ended up dwallowed hy a whale. But. Niw, I am looking at a man who knew what God wanted. And he felt ashamed because He choose

When hope becomes a dream

Hope is such a powerful thing. It keeps me ticking when everything else sides against me, then again, maybe it doesn't. See? That is how tricky hope is. I believe the things I hear alot.  Like right now, Everything ought to be miserable by almost any standard, but I am creating a bit of conflict because it is gone. I trying to decide a choice that, by any reasonable standard  does and could not exist. But, I had a dream

I fell asleep and have no idea what I was saying.

I only felt the need that I still do to express my hopeful nature although it makes no sense to have hope at all, in fact situation ought to have taught me not to trust impressions, but although I could not know enough, I want a thing that I feel certain my dad would warn me that wanting isn't needing. But, I get them confused alot, but this time is helping me overcome. I see it alot like a thing my sister calls retail therapy.

I remember a time I felt 100 percent sure my entire life hinged on getting a cd burner, but after I got it, and created a few cds nothing happened. I was confused because I was sure that it would alter my life, or that maybe after selling a hundred cds I would be heard and appreciated, but nothing happened. But, also Bill Clintin was elected, so I just figured the majority wasn't worth impressing anyway. I decided to look for something else to invest myself in...

It didn't work!

I am so happy because I broke my jail walls tonight. It is like a runner when they hit a wall. It was likely more memtal than anything else, but I could just not continue forward because the very thing that had fueled my actions ceased to be a trouble, but I was reminded that this had been the case many times before and it is likely that it would be again, after a single hopeful event things would continue as they stagnantly had, and I would be miserable. One of the greatest evolution of man towards becoming Godlike is his ability of pattern recognition. I do not need to remake a mistake to know that it would be a mistake. I tend towards forgiveness. My son knows this and so he cries kniwing that I have a very soft spot and cannot endure tears so like the song, "my arms reach out in love I cannot deny."

I am just too happy right now that the fact that my husband did something good is not going to even effect my happiness. Sure, it makes me happy that he is doing the right thing, but like was said in conference yeaterday, it is someone's decision to change not ours, and although he claims to want to be all of the things he is not, I am not a good option for him. It used to be enough that he was not openly opposed to me doing things. but, we were on equal footing at one time. I forgave, but he choice to wallow in his past and blame it instead of even trying to believe and improve, which is the purpose of the atonement anyway.

In conclusion, I feel so incredibly happy! I want to shout out, cause I know by a strange means that prayers were heard and answered and I had far too many reasons to doubt, but I just kept on keeping on, mostly because I wanted to believe,, and now I do. My tears are just a memory,. It feels like I am exiting a tunnel and the view is so beautiful, I almost am happy for the tunnel so that I can appreciate what everyone else seems to take for granted.

Honestly...

What good does it do to be pretty? I cannot see anything once you attracted a desirable mate. Still, we want it so badly, but I wonder if we would want it or care if we were really content.

I was thinking about how unattractive it is to be beautiful to look on, but in constant need of reassurance.

I do not pray to appear attractive, but to be attractive. I want to not worry about how I appear at any given time, but how I feel. I look in the mirror because I want validation.  But, it is slowly fading, all of my attractiveness, that is. Or at least how I look, I hope to only increase in desriable qualities as I grow older.

Beyond depression

It was clear that there is a great truth hidden in shark DNA and skeletal remains, but that does not matter to me, nothing does, well, that's not true, entirely, and because a tiny fragment of hope remains, I continue. But, this is beyond depression. It is not at all chemical, it is not just mental nor emotional, but it is best seen in an episode of "Once Upon a Time" where Snow White touches a unicorn horn and sees her unborn child as an older girl who is going to kill her and Snow cried out, I am your mother! To which she captures the sentiment exactly and replies, "It doesn't matter." or something that means that it does not hold the importance it should.

I just do not want to try anymore. My strength just doesn't matter, I do not care to try, though I should. It has been called drpression, but this is not that. It is beyond depression.