I am so happy because I broke my jail walls tonight. It is like a runner when they hit a wall. It was likely more memtal than anything else, but I could just not continue forward because the very thing that had fueled my actions ceased to be a trouble, but I was reminded that this had been the case many times before and it is likely that it would be again, after a single hopeful event things would continue as they stagnantly had, and I would be miserable. One of the greatest evolution of man towards becoming Godlike is his ability of pattern recognition. I do not need to remake a mistake to know that it would be a mistake. I tend towards forgiveness. My son knows this and so he cries kniwing that I have a very soft spot and cannot endure tears so like the song, "my arms reach out in love I cannot deny."
I am just too happy right now that the fact that my husband did something good is not going to even effect my happiness. Sure, it makes me happy that he is doing the right thing, but like was said in conference yeaterday, it is someone's decision to change not ours, and although he claims to want to be all of the things he is not, I am not a good option for him. It used to be enough that he was not openly opposed to me doing things. but, we were on equal footing at one time. I forgave, but he choice to wallow in his past and blame it instead of even trying to believe and improve, which is the purpose of the atonement anyway.
In conclusion, I feel so incredibly happy! I want to shout out, cause I know by a strange means that prayers were heard and answered and I had far too many reasons to doubt, but I just kept on keeping on, mostly because I wanted to believe,, and now I do. My tears are just a memory,. It feels like I am exiting a tunnel and the view is so beautiful, I almost am happy for the tunnel so that I can appreciate what everyone else seems to take for granted.
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