Ssssshhhhhh!

I do not want anyone to know that such a thought came out of my head, but it did and I want it to stay out. It is not welcome here anymore.

I created a great story about  great plan to thwart the current happiness of a couple of people who flung around as almost a brag at how happy they were and would always be, even having their memories of self removed, they could not be stopped because there would always be something there to remind them.... Ha ha ha, unintended moody blues, sorry. Such things just pop out sometimes.

Anyhow, this jealous other was like mcguyver indetermination to find a way to use what is meant for good as a tool to make them less happy.
     So, he determined to use escalated attraction and create a doctrine only partially true, enough to bring happiness, but not true happiness. The happy woman we will call her princess, figured out a plan to thwart that plan, but her prince left before she could tell him. She had to rely on justice.

I am tired. That was enough of my story to not loose it entirely, but not give it away wholely either.

Story that crushed my spirit

I was 15 living in Georgia and my Grandparents were both visiting, probably on their trek to Florida or from there to Michigan. Anyway, my Grandma Babcock told a crazy story, that I loved, about how she had fooled Grandpa into marrying her by making him believe that she had a box of treasure buried somewhere. Grandpa clarified that he actually just loved her.

This was so sweet!

Naively, misunderstanding love as I was prone to at that age. I asked Grandma DeMott if she fell madly in love with Grandpa cause he was so handsome. She said, "No. I was much too resonable. I had many suitors but also I had expensive taste and he was a promising chemist and I realistically knew that he would be able to provide the life I needed." What awesome advice I might have received, but instead I only heard the unexpected "No." I thought marraige was based on love so it crushed me to hear her say that she had not been madly in love. Actually, now I think she may have been. They seemed so in love, and were heroes to me.

Frustrated!!!!

I was getting so extremely not patient. I want to stay in the bounds of what is right, but I often reach a point where I am so frustrated that I don't even care. I want to say, "well, it was nice waiting around with you, but I am not getting any younger and I am tired of waiting".

There is a living scripture cartoon called "Bread from Heaven." And in the begining a boy  wants to go do what is right, but got weary of waiting for some Savior. But, Ironically, that is who comes and sort of repurposes the boys life. I thought, wish I could do that, maybe there is a coping lesson in there for me. So, I reviewed it in my mind and thought, That's it! I need to find and follow the Savior, it seems like no one could help me and no one will even comprehend my trouble. Then, I thought, Hannah does and surely if she does then God does and he is mindful and will help me the best way I need. I believe that. My answer is to study my scriptures and pray seriously and intently. We were sent to earth as an opportunity to see what we desire. I desire God's plan of happiness and I always have, but I just cannot sustain the belief that this family is the center of happiness for me.

I seperated worlds in my mind today and decided that I had made not binding committment other than the one I made to Brandall. So, if I know that I do not want to be eternally with Nick - a new pararagrah for that thought. My choice is what do I choose as evidence of my disregard for the ways of the earth and men, but the way of God and eternity. I would rather suffer terrible torrments for the rest of mortality than live forever in misery.

My final conclusion was that I was still needed by the children, and, God knows and promises that no one will be denied eternal blessings if they are truly earned. I will be held resonsible for the care of these children. I do love them and they are precious beyond any other prize. I will not give my eternal life for them, but if I help them the best I can then I will be helped, too.

Yesterday, I realized how much I actually hate Nick. I didn't think I ever even could feel so terribly about anyone, but where much is given much is expected. At FHE, it was the last straw when he ignored us all and did his own thing. No good thing about his even comes close to making putting up with him forever worth it. Especially when it comes to things that are significant to me. I used to think that we wanted the same things and what makes us different is our pace not our direction, but, pace is what I am talking about. If he knows something is true. But doesn't do it. I suppose it is motivation and I Am not and do not care to be a motivation. He has his,agency and his choice is clearly not me. So, why peresist?

I don't get it

so people want to be skinny, but they want have fat, too but only some fat is acceptable. I see ads of women who are supposedly skinny, but I see tons of fat on their bodies, and anytime I get very thin and muscular I am not lighter, in fact I am much heavier. I feel healthy but, according to 'health' magazines I ought to have more fat on my body to look healthy. I just get frustrated and blame such frustration on genetics. I just am not one of those small fat people, but that is really what society claims is best. but, what s it even best for definitely not survival. If we are to assume evolution is survival of the fittest society is not choosing the same thing nature is. From my parents: dad says he prefers mom to be a bit heavier. when she gets too skinny, I think she looks great, but dad says that she looks like a boy. hmmm. well, don't boys like boys anyway? well, then my mom told me that she had read an article that recommended being slightly overweight and it was actually healthier and a sign of strength and endurance. interesting, huh? Well, I like to be very skinny, but it seems that despite all I do my body wants to take on it's own shape, so to make myself feel better I think well, to be prepared for any emergency of famine, it would be better to have a body that needs to consume less, and has enough stored up to feed myself incase I am forced to neglect. and my mom said, "we naturally gain an extra 5 pounds every ten years, and I weigh a good 15 lbs. less than I did in college anyway, and if I was really believing the promptings of he prophet to be prepared my body is naturally doing it's part. It would behoove me to follow suit with my home. before it s a necessity.

Eternal perspective

I wanted to explain my motivation, hah hah, now I sound like an actor, I meant that I realized the reason for my unexplained and misunderstood behavior is often a thing called eternal perspective.

Here is a tiny sample:

Sorry for that my battery was going to die. Hey, there is no need to apologize. This is not real time anyway...

I often sat watching my children playing in the bath tub. To keep myself entertained, I would bring my mobile device with me. Natrually, a voice nudged me, "why not take a picture? It lasts longer". The kids are always so adorable mostly because of the outlandish things they say. I used to make audio recordings of my siblings when I was younger and loved them so much, so I decided to record videos. Because they were do adorable to me I wanted to share them, or at least get a second back up copy online, so I posted them to YouTube, fully seeing no harm, because I truly was a sheer nobody anyway. Who cares what I post? Well, it turned out someone did and they decided to rip on me full-throtle telling me the errors of my ways. Actually, the reaction only made me more consider that the thing must be right or it would not be so vehemently oppossed (re: to see what matters follow the source of the dust cloud). The harder I was protested the more I wished to defy. But, I was ultimately moved to take the videos down from global perusal. I thought, it was no big deal to show naked todlers, but they would not always be todlers. I would not be offended to see myself naked as a tasked either, but I saw it from a more eternal perspective. If the babies would mature into someone like me, and it was wrong to record myself naked, I thought about morality in God's eyes. Our time in mortality is so minuscule that to discern different moralities for me vs. my children (who are me in microcosm) is rediculous (what is good for the mother goose is good for her chicks. vice versa). So, we likely appear the same eternally speaking and I would never record them in the bath if they were older let alone post such online, so I sort of repentented of doing such.

Too late - at night

I am sure it is early somewhere, but right here, right now it is too late meaning too dark to simply record my thoughts and dump them on a video.

Crud, I already forgot them.

I was started by thinking about how I had read that the way to achieve a slimmer face was to have teeth removed. Ah hah! That's it. I remembered!

My thoughts on having teeth extracted is that is sure reforms your face, but the effect is far from.slimming, in fact, it is was far as you can get, the opposite.

Now, why on earth would anyone trust me? I am simply adding my opinion to those already expressed on the internet.

I have recently had all of my teeth extracted because it was needed, not because it was a whim or a thing I hoped would beautify me. Actually, it has taken me a long time to readjust to my new appearance and accept it.

Many told me, who misunderstood my reasoning entirely, thinking it was cosmetic in the first place, and likely that was how it effected them, but the notion was that not to ever trade god given teeth for prosthetics. This leads me to the reason I wanted to express my opinion.

We have teeth best suited for the things we need them for. If you truly need beauty, removing teeth is not likely the answer for you. No matter the immediate improvement, nothing can prepare you for the loss of self.

But, regarding appearing skinnier. Well, then it stands to reason that I would appear most thin of all because all of that space taken by my teeth is gone. Or the combined weight of my teeth is gone (it can be considered if peeing before being weighed is plausible) The truth is I gained a lot of weight because of not having teeth.

Without teeth, at first our diet must be changed, very little can be eatten, this may seem good. Long term, our body panics thinking that we,are in starvation mode and as soon as we can eat again, we store any calorie we can as fat incase we need it in the future. Another VLOG mentioned that thier need to consume coupled with the lack of ability lead them to many less healthy choices. The biggest consideration is the warning all health concious routines suggest as a reason for weight gain: not chewing enough.

I had such a voracious appetite once my mouth had healed enough to eat, that I nearly choked to death several times. Even with perfect teeth I am still not chewing enough. And, so I think that removing back teeth to look skinnier is wrong because without back teeth chewing might be neglected ultimately causing weight gain which is the opposite effect.

Even although, my pain was so intense I cried in desperation for a welcomed relief of death, my husband said that I would regret not having my natural teeth. And I see the reasons he would say that and I ask anyone to consider it before actually even thinking of removing teeth as an option for beauty.

Isaiah

It is funny how the truth is so obscure if you are not in the same frame of mind.

I think Isaiah seems so obscure because he tried the best he could to explain things. I find that if I stick to trying to be less vague, and applicable to all situations and people, the less I am understood.