Ocassionally, strike that, make it rarely

I regain perspective where I see my real place and I am humbled and apologetic for being so presumptuous or pretentious in my communucations.

But, most of the time I am an earthling doing things one does never considering any other possibility. Like an infant never sees parents and care givers as potential peers.

I think of the notion of a dying Beethoven shaking his fist at God, and every one who considers this act thinks, "well, surely he does not know what he is doing." Let us not for even a moment entertain the idea that he is truly brilliant.

I scurry like a cautious spider. You scare me.

Sorry if I wonder

But...

I cannot help but keep coming back to the idea of reincarnation, but not in the way I have been taught like a close relative possibly being a cow or spider or something. But, I know what I know so it must fit with that (like a side length in a triangle that I already know the angles to) to be true. It feels like a tangent when I hear about it from other's lips, but the idea lingers about me waiting patiently for me to find the truth of it, but it is not something I ought to share or muse over publically.

I was listening to documentaries about (speculations) very distantly past times and rulers, and in it experts said that the stories were alot like Instagram feeds in that there is truth to them but it is not as easy to see and are likely colored by the agendas that birthed them.

Too complainy for public...

I was going to post this on Facebook, but it felt too whiny. All I wanted for Christmas was a DNA kit, but I got nothing. Well, my daughter gave something that I loved, but my husband and Santa gave me nothing. I figured I got nothing for my birthday cause he was saving to get me something amazing (like more than 3 dollars) I got cash from my parents, but I used it to buy presents from Santa assuming someone was going to get me something anyway, cause that is what happens on Christmas, right?

Well, now I wish I had not spent that money so that I could have gotten myself a DNA kit. Next time I get paid I am going to get myself one. Probably everyone thought it was soo obvious that surely someone was already getting that for me. That happens alot, I like to believe.

I am just done hoping I have not gotten anything for years and believed I simply was not patient enough. Surely, when I got a gift it would be all the more deserving cause of justice.

Accordingly, I just lost all of the karma I earned by loudibly complaining, but I don't care. It makes me doubt so much instead of building faith it destroys it. I am dealing with other mankind, not a diety. God is truly just and loving. Every expectation and miracle has occurred as expected my thought is that just as a practice of "consecration" never worked on earth for a reason. It will be a looked forward to practice one I thought would be a shared vision and practice in my home so living it eventually would feel like it was perfectly normal and happy.

So, yeah, my complaint echoes the saying that if you want something done you do it yourself. I just heard a sentiment in the Jewish people in regard to how they would accomplish a thing that seemed impossible. The Rabbi said, "If God wants something done then he will find a way to do it." So yeah, my solution previously was not right, but I am beginning to understand the impressions and hopefully a terrible malady will not be required to make me act, but even Joseph, my son, told me that he was extremely worried that I would not do what I needed to, I had known for years and years that I ought to go to Utah, and graciously I was allowed to Perdue my own prerogative but then ultimately, I was forced, sort of, through providence to do what I knew for years that I ought to have. Hey! This sounds like Jonah to me. Suppose there are truths to be learned everywhere in every story.

Lastly, in life, the end does justify the means. Sort of. I have been maimed and pruned causing me sooo much heartache and pain, but it can and will be done and worth it in the end.

Let it begin

I had only hoped and relied on the faith of others to work miracles. I have this night decided that I hope enpugh to begin my own faith and will begin to expect good things not only hope, but pray by name to cause very very great things to happen because of the way others have only wanted to exist to this point.

This notion was prompted by the goodness and encouragement given by Suzanne Taylor, today. And I was not even going to attend an interview but the words of my old stake patriarch from Midland, Michigan came to my mind reminding me of a thing my Father in Heaven said to me reminding me that it was important to attend every single meeting as they would round out and develop my character. I needed character development, too, and I got it. Maybe we get what we are looking for, and I am looking for strength and found it. I know that humility is significant and miracles are expected.

Documentation

I am glad to have everything so well documented, because it is my experience that memory is no substitute for firsthand account of things.

A comment

As I had my phone in hand I will record my nightly thoughts regarding my time spent reading the Bookof Mormon tonight.

31 But behold, the Nephites were not slow to remember the Lord their God in this their time of affliction. They could not be taken in their snares; yea, they would not partake of their wine, save they had first given to some of the Lamanite prisoners.
32 And they were thus cautious that no poison should be administered among them; for if their wine would poison a Lamanite it would also poison a Nephite

I was really not expecting that. I felt all along like the armies of Moroni or other called the armies of the Nephitepeople were in my mind righteous peoplewinning their wars from the aid of God. Iget that notion As well from the old testament where one can determine which side of a battle God was on by learning who won. If thestory of David and Goliath taught anything it is that regardless what seems the outcome will always be God.

So, while I was thinking of these men as being Godly and all I assumed that they lived in accordance with all of God's ways. I naturally assumed that such adherence would include liquor which could potentially take away one's abilities and that was how the Lamanites were thwarted in attempts to overpower the Godly people. I was recently reading how George Washington's armies sought to win by being exactly obedient to God's laws, thereby winning his favor. It was commented how uncharacteristic it was for soldiers to be such upstanding gentlemen, yet such were the armies of Washington.

But, instead, it said the Lamanites were thwarted because the poison was detected before the men drank it. That caught me off gaurd.

Buddha

Last night I rewatched a documentary about Buddha cause most things, if they have information worth gleaning, require multiple experiences. I suppose it was that frame of mind that suggested a thing I had not realized. When he was searching for a true answer he found sources, yes, but he did not stop with one. It reminds me of what I think about my own children. I woukd not want them to simply take my word for something. I would not want my kids to believe a thing simply because that was what they were taught.
Bhuda found things that were not what he believed originally, and he did not stop because he found truth. Nor figure simply because a thing was not true then others were.

It is not to say the things I teach my children are not true, I merely hopethey would know why. I remember a thing I told my philosophy professor in college. I told him that the reason I seemed like a philosophy major was because I was Mormon. If the conversation had been longer it would have included that I was merely an Amatuer or lover of deep thoughts. He asked what being mormon had to do with it. I explained that inthe Bible Belt I needed to know what I believed and why (Whereas many "saints" happened to be born in places like Utah to LDS families, which we believe is just and a great great blessing ). To summarize, I was Mormon by choice in a place where one was heavily rediculed using scripture and not just trivial arguments.

Before I leave my writing I have another thing to say which is off topic ( There was a topic? ) Have you ever considered that Adam was not allowed the opportunity of choosing a wife? He did; however, choose to eat the fruit in order to stay with her as was commanded. Seems like a pretty good guy, to me. Uh, which brings me back on topic. Both Adam and Buddha were seeking truth and reconcilliation.

But, likely because I had not challanged such thinking, my thoughts side with Adam as being more noble. In my mind, Adam held fast to what he knew was right and rejected things no matter how great they seemed unless he knew. He knew already that he would be redeemed and would accept nothing less.

I never got the feeling that buddha was certain about anything. He could not even believe that he would surely find a reconcilliation or escape from the plights of mortality. My idea was that both of them set an example of how to find ( deduce )what truly is.

It is all about multiple testimonies independent of eachother comming to a conclusion. I read about that yesterday in a post about DNA kits. Brilliantly, a woman searching to find the truth tried multiple DNA kits to see if results were actually based on her donated sample of spit.

Ok, too much time for today already, 👋