Just realized it

So, as I was listening to the song I think it was called Ain't Nobody. Which is sorta kinda funny as I type it I realize when typed it means something different than it seemed so entirely when I heard it, cause of the double negative. Anyhow, just as I figured out that God was the one who loved me so much. I felt proud might be the word, to have had so many experiences where intervention was obvious. I cannot believe that it never occurred to me how loved I had been all along. I am really really loved, now I want to listen to that Josh Groban song You Are Loved. As I was so happy to finally figure ot out although I had even been directly and bluntly told that it was significant to realize how much God loves me, I realize that he loves everyone that much, it is no distinction. It is a fact.

It's like this. I would do practically anything for Lena cause I love her so much, but that doesn't mean I would do anything less for another child as well. Until I was a parent I frowned upon calling parental love love. It was not a choice really. It just happens and has no bounds. I never doubted that my parents loved me and I also knew they loved each of my siblings as much so being loved by a parent did not make me feel special. I knew I was a child of God and thereby loved. Now, as a parent I know there is more to it and it is not just a given thing. I seriously and completly love each child and even come to tears thinking about it or when I make promises to always watch out for them, not even being sure I can do so after death, but assure them that if there is anyway, they can be sure that I will find it for them! It is a true and powerful love that doesn't NEED to exist. So, God feels about me and He actually knows me and the desires of my being and he loves me for who I am. It really is loving parts of himself in me, which I bet being able to love yourself is one of the hardest things to do and a very important reason to have children.

Yesterday, I was a bit upset at Joseph for constantly referring to Nick's mother as such and not his grandmother. I told him, after Nick explained why she did not want us to visit her grave (which we did anyhow, sorry), that as well as her spirit part of her body still lived on. Then his interest was piqued. I spared him a lecture on mitochondria and simply asked him to consider where his body came from. And that it was part dad and part me and dad was part his mom, so that meant he was partially her, too.

So, rather than blabber on and on... I need to bake cookies, etc.

https://youtu.be/EGLSk3AVcUU

Ignorance

It occurrs to me often that I can choose to be ignorant and extremely happy or I can continue to try to understand things and go through confusion, and you know, confusion seems a lot more noble to me now. Sort of like a emblem of my progression. I think it was what my 9th grade algebra teacher meant when he told us that he was much more ignorant than us, and it was his sincere wish that we all would as ignorant one day if not more so. At the time, I thought he was on to something,  and that was merely a comment on how teens think they know it all and it is hard to give to aomeone who doesn't need anything.

At least not to the point where...

I read a thing that made me think of a Matchbox 20 song, I am reviewing it in my head right now to get to the title
Ok, appropriately, the title fits my thoughts: Back 2 Good

I do not know if the image is already posted, or will need some editing a.k.a "post post rigging" (the image did post following my ranting post which seems backwards, but oh well...)

The thing that always got to me about that song was that it expressed an inner (secret) wish as a solution to the problem and it would be acted upon if no one else was aware of it, then as the lyrics state, it is alright if others know, as long as we feel like we are getting away with it. That is what I am thinking about. How many rules and restrictions SEEM to be interfering with our goal while they actually are improving it, just not to the point where we would think so. Why does it matter that we think things are helping our agenda or not? My answer lies in our definition of sentient being. I think of another song by Alanis Morrissette (sp?) Where she sings that" I am Aware now" so? Or, maybe that dates me, then how about  Katty Perry, "I'm Wide Awake" or Amy Lee's, "wake me up inside, free me from the nothing I've become". It seems we find purpose and value in being aware.

I noted a huge turning point in my "recovery" when I was ill, when I could recall things like why I was there and when, and it matched others. We all needed a common point of reckoning or something to feel valid.

As I read a spiraling, I thought, "dear,me, the center cannot hold. Things will get out of control." It is like a serence bathtub with one tiny impurity that we think will be removed and everytime we try it escapes at the lat minute,  so we devise to make a current and pull the plug to send the impurity down the drain. The trick is to get the garbage into the vortex, from there, the spiral action will suck it in and down. Most of the water will remain and it will be pure, so regardless if the speck is happier or not, it did not belong in the tub.

This is a metaphor of law, and a main reason I dislike it being ruled by money. As if fines punish offenders. It only punishes those with little money. And, like disciplining my children, punishment does not always work. My daughter responds when rewarded for adherence whereas she seems oblivious to punishment, at least unaware of what it is for, so it becomes a personal attack on her instead of a consequence for breaking a law.

My arm is falling asleep.

So, this reading makes me want to comment because I fear that the writer of it is not aware of the true reason for order. Um, surely not. Even in preschool we read a book where it repeated when a child broke rules, "what if everyone did that?"

In large URBAN civilizations, anytime actually, where many wills are united there needs to be a common denominator, or uniting purpose to create serenity or the possibilities that come from surviving together. Sure, surviving is not the goal, thriving is, and can only be achieved through surviving.

I WAS teetering

I knew that I needed to make a choice,  and I have been weighing them back and forth for days, and I stumbled upon one thing that having read it I instantly knew what I wanted though circumstances sway me, a part of me is constant.  Just as sure as I ever was I am way more sure of the other choice now. I think of another thing someone said about making choices that are difficult. It said, in effect, that people wonder why I insist on choosing the more difficult path and I ask them why they insist there is another way.

Stop

Gradually, I am going to streamline so much that I will be forced to do all the things i have been too distracted to notice. I wonder if I will really dispose of my clothing or yarn. I am learning to value lasting things most, but yarn starts out simple and little, but could end up as a precious hierloom. Honestly, I would love to have to wear the same clothes cause I did not have anything else, sounds fun. The other day when he was yelling at me Nick said, "Well, why don't you just take all of your crap and leave?" And it made me realize as I thought about it. I could replace stuff, no problem, but not responsibilities or people. What I really noticed as I tried to think of what I truly value and need was that I do not even have anything really. I am 100 hundred percent literal, too. I moved out here with a suitcase, most of which was Christmas gifts or hand me down anyway. Then, I had not bought anything for myself since I moved her years ago. And Nick has never offered to share anythung either. He makes it perfectly clear that he owns everything and I own nothing. And he is right, I own very little, and what I do own, is was given to me, and I stash away things out of fear that I might need it for something someday. But, having a job makes me realize how much I really could or should have. Anyhow, I am going to use spring break for Spring purge, starting with my things, so as to not be unfair when I streamline the children's things.

I get side-tracked thinking how I had already decided what to do about my situation long ago, and sadly I cannot act because of Money. The very moment I realized that I was a slave to money I decided that I did not want to own things anyway. Only if they meet demands, like I would very much like a car, so that I can get a job and drive the kids to school if it rains. And I do not want to have to worry about how I look, so I want comfortable durable clothing, but not too much of it.

If money was not an option then I would leave right now, no I wouldn't because I do not work for money, but because I volunteered to help Kenzy, so my place is decided until school is out. Then I have been called to teach a group of primary children and that is IMPORTANT to me. I fear that I would be breaking a promise, and I would much rather find a way to salvage my relationship with Nick than repent and admit I was wrong. But, each te I try and decide to just give love a chance, I get an earfull of unpleasant reminders of how unhappy eternal life would be if we managed to accomplish exaltation anyway. I do love my children, though, and I genuinely love Brandall and think I will pray for him like Enos (all day and night) for his brethern. I already know that I do not want to be with him forever. But, now, I see how many wonderful things we truly did have,  and although I found the things I was lacking, now I lack far more things now than I did then. Life must be a failure cause I learn so much from it. Now, it is sort of dialectical how I went from one extreme to it's opposite

What upsets me daily, pretty much

I just saw a very crude vide that made a great point that I want to remember. I started out being angry and jealous, basocally covetous. A beautiful looking person was talking about how social media causes depression because we compare, and it feels like everything we are is not good enough...

BUT

Then, she started talking about a thing people always say, but I never took to heart or understood why I ought to, or how such a thought could help, though others thought it would/should. The thought was that comparing isn't necessarily a depressing thing, and it does not require social media to realize that your crappy life is exactly what someone is praying for. You are living someone else's dream.

Ok, so, that issue was dealt with and solved. But, what really gets me is this: I refused assistance several times when it was offered to me, and if I could repent of things I would instead I need to keep living thus life constantly feeling sorry for it, cause I know it could have been so much better.

I traded sticking to my guns at home and eventually getting any and all assistance I needed just because I was too blinded by the notion of being self-sufficient. Basically, I couldn't be yet. But, instead of waiting, or the better word would be enduring, I left with Nick to try and achieve everything I wanted without help, but that was so stupid, because he gave the illusion of being a provider, but like Utah is actually a desert, he only supported us because he got government aide. Well, duh. I could have done that in the first place and avoided this terrible life. Too often, I converted my unhappiness with my situation to unhappiness with Utah. Cause it is easier to blame the place than the person.

And that is why I claim that he does not love me or our children because he has never ever even slightly inconvenienced himself for our sake. Infact, he quit his job and got unemployment because he did not want to be a "butt kisser". Then, when filing taxes he gets government money that was never actually earned and uses it for himself and then maybe some to pay to go to a family reunion or else claims that he cannot afford it (which is true, but if it is he had known for a very long time ahead of schedule and could have been prepared), anyhow, he claims that HE paid for our trip, and that sickens me. I could get loans and credit cards to afford such. I am avoiding any financial aide and have been since the very begining, that was my original solution, to get married and raise a family where I do not need government money to accomplish things, again, this is assuming my husband had a job sufgicient to provide, or at least some desire. I would have helped with finances, but have never been asked or included on it in even a fraction, unless it was to get food stamps or tax refunds. Then HE needed me so that he can get things for himself without working for them all the while claiming that he cannot afford the essentials for us.

Almost constantly, we have,in one miraculous way or another, been provided for when my husband refuses. I love a scene in a film where a woman has no option but to cross a river with her son on her back, and she remarks, "The Lord helps those who help themselves." She nearly dies, and then bears a testimony that it is a miracle that she and her son made it across the river. I bet she had several opportunities to find help before she absolutely needed it. But, it shows how much God loves us and is willing to rescue us even though it is our own fault we are in such a predictament.

Nothing to see here

I just wanted to make my thoughts known, but I lack someone to tell, so I am typing it. At work a woman bemoaned not having a husband to talk to, and I think that is maybe what the internet it for me because my husband is definately not someone I can speak to and I not only fear speaking openly to, but would not want to. I had the worst feeling in my life, maybe it was a warning, probably it was just a feeling. I had been without creative conversation in a very very long time and I asked him to write a story with me, but he not only thought it was a dumb idea, but refused to entertain the idea after I started a story about a bee living day to day in a hive... anyhow, this was before we got married, and honestly, I do not think he ever wanted to marry me, but he felt obligated, huge red flags for most because they are seeking love. I was never in love in the first place. I wanted a family. That was my goal and he was my way to achieve it, plus, he claimed to be of Mormon pioneer heritage so I figured if people were brainwashed, he would have been done so properly or adjacent or congruent to me.  But, he had only recently become active, and did not even choose to serve a mission, this bothered me, he williningly made very bad choices, but I believed in the ability of people to become regardless of what they were and I believed that he desired a life that fot mine. Ok, ok, so according to Hollywood and all the pop music and society in general it would be ill advised. So what? I am and have always been one who chooses for myself regardless what popular opinion dictates or suggests.

I have had very little to fall back on so it has forced me to focus on what I do want and do have instead of what I was missing out on.

I heard a really wise man speak about Marriage. I stumbled on it doing research for a primary lesson as I was wondering about translations and wanted to be master of a thing if I ever hoped to teach it, so this was an orthodox jewish rabbi, and his advice gave me a feeling like I was watching a scene from Fiddler on the Roof where the husband asks his wife if she loves him. The Rabbi said,

"Your husband is your husband, you find him and marry him.

You practically cannot avoid marrying your husband.

Marriage is not a union, but a reunion.

What kind of relationship are you going to have with him. Knowing what he is like is irrelevant."

Among many other things.

Then, this morning I was thinking, "Man, I wish I could talk to my husband!  I do not like the relationship I am in. I do it for the children. I wish that I had someone to talk to about this stuff (who was not biased). He is a very very good man, and the reason our relationship is so bad to non existant is because of issues that he fails to confront and deal with, and they, I cannot remember the word for it, butsort of withdrawls and shuns me. I have gotten tired of it and been forced to take care of most things by myself, as a result I see that I actually do not need to endure this. But, it is very important to maitain the facade for the children, but they are reaching an age where the relationship needs revision. He truly has been such an ideal helpmeet for me, especially in my primary class. We work well, in teaching children, together. And at the times when he actually attempted to deal with his issues things improve in the direction that was intended all along, this is simply a detour, right?

I NEED help though, so I turn to praying alot, and the answers I have gotten are to remain with my companion until I get home  and that I need to keep eternal perspective as choices are made.

Ok, so I am nearly willing to admit that I do not know how to prepare for an eternal life I am blinded by the misery I uneccessarily right now. But, some misery is acceptable and expected even, how I deal with it is of more consequence than what the issue is. So, all I could know is here and now. Ok. Well, then my children become my most important issue, so I need to do whatever I can to improve their existance.

This dictates I tell Nick that I would like to divorce him, but I really want what is best for the children, and trust honesty will always work for my best interest.

Then, I start to think about eternally living, and that I teach the necessity of being sealed in the Temple, and I was, but now, the one I am sealed to has left the church so, I will find myself alone eternally, potentially. I sort of think that I will not be alone, that is only a short time now, with my mortal perspective, it seems like a big deal but is not really. I am being like Mary and confusing wants with needs.

She was packing and emergency bag of SHOES! Where does she het this stuff, then both kids claimed toys were a necessity because without them, they would be bored. It is a real concern for them and may seem like a need. That is how I feel about things sometimes. It is probably just my perspective and will change.

Time to get the kids up and ready for church...