What upsets me daily, pretty much

I just saw a very crude vide that made a great point that I want to remember. I started out being angry and jealous, basocally covetous. A beautiful looking person was talking about how social media causes depression because we compare, and it feels like everything we are is not good enough...

BUT

Then, she started talking about a thing people always say, but I never took to heart or understood why I ought to, or how such a thought could help, though others thought it would/should. The thought was that comparing isn't necessarily a depressing thing, and it does not require social media to realize that your crappy life is exactly what someone is praying for. You are living someone else's dream.

Ok, so, that issue was dealt with and solved. But, what really gets me is this: I refused assistance several times when it was offered to me, and if I could repent of things I would instead I need to keep living thus life constantly feeling sorry for it, cause I know it could have been so much better.

I traded sticking to my guns at home and eventually getting any and all assistance I needed just because I was too blinded by the notion of being self-sufficient. Basically, I couldn't be yet. But, instead of waiting, or the better word would be enduring, I left with Nick to try and achieve everything I wanted without help, but that was so stupid, because he gave the illusion of being a provider, but like Utah is actually a desert, he only supported us because he got government aide. Well, duh. I could have done that in the first place and avoided this terrible life. Too often, I converted my unhappiness with my situation to unhappiness with Utah. Cause it is easier to blame the place than the person.

And that is why I claim that he does not love me or our children because he has never ever even slightly inconvenienced himself for our sake. Infact, he quit his job and got unemployment because he did not want to be a "butt kisser". Then, when filing taxes he gets government money that was never actually earned and uses it for himself and then maybe some to pay to go to a family reunion or else claims that he cannot afford it (which is true, but if it is he had known for a very long time ahead of schedule and could have been prepared), anyhow, he claims that HE paid for our trip, and that sickens me. I could get loans and credit cards to afford such. I am avoiding any financial aide and have been since the very begining, that was my original solution, to get married and raise a family where I do not need government money to accomplish things, again, this is assuming my husband had a job sufgicient to provide, or at least some desire. I would have helped with finances, but have never been asked or included on it in even a fraction, unless it was to get food stamps or tax refunds. Then HE needed me so that he can get things for himself without working for them all the while claiming that he cannot afford the essentials for us.

Almost constantly, we have,in one miraculous way or another, been provided for when my husband refuses. I love a scene in a film where a woman has no option but to cross a river with her son on her back, and she remarks, "The Lord helps those who help themselves." She nearly dies, and then bears a testimony that it is a miracle that she and her son made it across the river. I bet she had several opportunities to find help before she absolutely needed it. But, it shows how much God loves us and is willing to rescue us even though it is our own fault we are in such a predictament.